its frustrating at times living this life. being an artist. needing and wanting much time alone clashes with needing and wanting what i deem quality time with people (which in and of itself is also a challenge). needing and wanting my art to be seen and to sell so i have psychic space and real space so that i can make more, not to mention paying bills and earning my keep.
i spend most of my time alone. its easier in some ways than it used to be. i'm more comfortable with who i am and enjoy working uninterrupted. its harder because i AM more comfortable with who i am and wish i had someone to hang with that had an interest in scrap/found objects/art as well as the TIME to find it. i dearly miss walking with tod looking for little shits on the ground that make up my flowers. i usually go looking every day if i can, it takes a constant vigilance combing the streets for morsels of bright plastic that can be used with otherwise 'dark' rusty objects. the tiniest most messed up bits that even i question, usually turn out to be the most fun to add in the center of my flowers. colored objects, for sure a rarity amongst the black rubber auto parts and silver or brown (rusted) washers and nuts that typically dot the roadside. lately i've been making more colorful blooms from found rubber and plastic, not for any particular reason other than its what i'm finding out there so its what i use.
...and blogging feels dead... i have no outlet that feels satisfying anymore. not that i ever got that many hits or comments in the past but the last year or so it feels like i'm talking to myself here. i dont blame anyone, as even i can't even stand reading blogs anymore. i dont have the interest or patience(?) to absorb other people's lives the way that i used to. and i think i'm a bit boring if you want to know the truth. i have no big news. no big dramas. i've been pretty content working on flowers that i dont even post or load to etsy anymore. they arent really selling like they used to. nothing is right now. it is a little disconcerting. there is a correlation with sales dying and postage prices being jacked up + etsy changes at the beginning of the year but i know other artists online who are selling like hotcakes right now. so does my work suck now? am i a has been? does anyone care what i make? what am i doing? i do know that in the real world, the few times anyone comes to my place i do tend to sell art. heck 3 weeks ago i was out taking pictures of my flowers and someone bought 5 and a vase in a split second! what do i do...load up my car and sit in a parking lot melting with the asphalt? mmmmmmm???? i dont really have time for that. or the set up. or the desire. i loved selling stuff on etsy. it works for my lifestyle. but it isnt what it used to be right now and i have no idea what i'm supposed to do. i've tried a few things this year to no avail. i dont know where i belong in the art world right now. galleries dont seem to be right for me or me for them. retail isnt right. were it not for the few people here and there who pop up out of the blue and who let me know they totally dig what i'm doing i think i would have dried up emotionally. i've been blessed in so many ways since becoming an artist in 2004. i've had support and help. i've made friends. somehow i get a handful of collectors each year who buy just enough art to keep me from being destitute. they drift away and then a few more come along. every time i'm convinced no one will ever buy anything again, someone comes along at the last minute and gobbles a handful of things up. thank the art gods is all i haffta say.
so. i sit. i work (i can't stop making flowers right now). i watch. i wait. i wonder. i worry. i withdraw. and i try to stay awake. i used to have a clear pull to do this or that. like smoke rising from a fire, i used to see the signal as to where to go next. what to try. i aint got nothing right now. not a thing. not a clue. interesting how sometimes in life so much appears to be happening and other times you feel like you are in some cesspool that is disconnected from the river. you watch it all flowing by but arent able to get back into the stream. you have to just be. mind your own business and keep working. i guess. what do i know. life is the most un-understandable experience there is. you can't think your way through it. you have to rely on senses that you dont really even know you have. you have to intuit. well...ya dont haffta but it helps if you can just trust that life is going to do what it is going to do and be ready for the rapids and cesspools. sooner or later you'll hit them both, sometimes quite often. hopefully they dont kill you.