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change

everything always changes. i whisper that to myself often in the midst of angst. and i am also acutely aware of it the seemingly sparse moments that i feel like something is wonderful.  everything changes. things that i dislike will change.  things that i like....change.  change is the one thing i can count on.   change is the one thing i fear.  change just IS.

sometimes i do not believe it.  sometimes i think i will always struggle.  but if you took all of the minutes in each day and siphoned them through a filter which discriminated moments of joy, acceptance....laughter, like etc. vs moments of said struggle, fear, exhaustion and uncertainty...  there would in fact be, almost always... a few grains heaped up in the more desirable category.

i seem to be tired of my blog.  tired of posting the new items which i also post on my facebook fan page and pinterest and a new site i just found out about called 'keep'.  (I have colorized those hyperlinked sites but for some reason they arent showing up as a different color)  guess i'm  thinking i will give the blog a new flavor by writing.  who knows.  i personally think blogs are dying.  even google reader is ending soon (which was where i received all of my blog feeds and have recently learned that google reader is going to say bye bye so i went ahead and deleted everything and just lost touch)

so why bother. i dunno.  i know nothing. it is the one thing i know.  oh. and that everything changes.

my life is small.  my days are almost always spent alone. making art. marketing it online.  looking for objects to make it with.  i rarely see people or talk to anyone unless i force myself to go out there and plop into their lives. often when i do take the time to visit with people i find i have little to say.  art is my joy.  it is my life.  how little anything else means. except connecting. hugging. laughing.  i am perhaps more comfortable with who i am but often feel rubbed the wrong way when i feel like life is about making the next buck. surviving.  i detest it.  i am often frustrated beyond belief.  life isnt about money.  but when you dont have it.  it is.  i want to bypass that.  i want to live.  i dont even know what that really means.  life isnt what 99% of all that shit out there is. my life is about creating.  and yet, i have not been able to create a life that is sustainable.  peaceful.  spacious. 

i am hoping that too will change.


Comments

I hope change comes with sustainable art, peace and joy. fingers crossed and words out to the universe!!
I read you, Paula. The loneliness of the long-distance seller--it is soul degrading. I'm talking about the loneliness. I can definitely connect to you, and wish we shared a studio coffee corner. You are an original. Love you.
paula said…
it is interesting, i personally want/love/need to be alone. i like being alone. but that lack of connecting with other artists or someone who enjoys doing similar things can be the trigger for feeling empty at times. i wished i had artists like you guys in my life. you get the online thing. the time doing what it takes to gather materials and come up with something etc. oh well. youre out there :) and we connect. xo
Viktoria said…
We are out there..and we connect. xo
Anonymous said…
Don't give up on connecting; it ultimately drives the spirit to continue. There are those who may be eloquent speakers or writers, but there are many others who speak volumes to us through their lonely acts of creation.
paula said…
thank you viktoria, i knows you is out there ;)
laura...i love that. thank you
Carla Dyck said…
Honest. Transparent. Connective. Thank you.
Jessica Torrant said…
A bit ago when we were chatting on facebook about blogs I was so in agreement "oh yeah, blogs are dead, who cares anymore?" but I also happened to be in a rather moody and dare I say cynical place at the moment and I'm taking a new stand on the matter (haha as of, oh I don't know - a week ago?). Write it. Share what you can when you want to. Keep it going, keep it alive. Don't worry about other people or how they run their show, just do YOU. (Speaking to myself right now as much as to you.) Today I sold a painting I made in 2009 that I had put on sale the last time I relisted it. I told myself I wouldn't relist it again next time it expired, that I would put it with the stack of canvases to paint over, and then I accidentally relisted it today just out of habit. I literally was hovering over my mouse after that click and said outloud "oh no!" and then remembered it was just 20 cents and not really a big deal. ;) "Oh well, I'll try to remember the next time it expires" I thought and then... it sold... after a long stretch of no art sales. I take that as a sign that our own self doubt can be - no IS - our own worst enemy in this business, this new world of solo art making/sharing. There's no agent or gallery director coming into our studios saying "that's shit" or "more of that" we have to be our own eyes and those eyes too - which is pretty near impossible. I guess what I'm trying to say through this long rambling post is to keep going, keep pushing on, keep creating even if/when money is scary (when is it not?) and put it ALL out there, keep reaching out and connecting, and yes, absolutely keep yourself sane by taking time to foster relationships that encourage you and give you strength.. or just a laugh or a great hug. I related to everything you shared here and I really appreciate reading your blog. Looks to me from the comments that I am far from alone in that.
paula said…
jessica, too funny. i just now see your comment and i was up in the wee hours in bed, blinking. thinking about this blog. i just delted my etsy blog a few days ago and thought i'll keep this but is it worth it? where to write....i've stopped on facebook profile page and never felt that fan page was the place. then i thought, well few people comment and i suppose they do it out of a sort of obliquitory (sp) something or another....so i thought maybe just write and dont make commenting an option. then i thought about my private blog where i used to write the real shit. and i thought...shouldnt be writing too much crap here it will scare people away and i dont like falling into the tunnel of despair publicly anymore. THEN i wake up early and after laying in bed an hour think okay get up and start your long ass work day that no one has any clue but other etsy artists/self representing types. i see your comment and i think, right on :) AND CONGRATS ON THE SALE i know it exactly how that goes i laughed at your OH NO and then realizing its only .20
thanks for stopping by and making my day feel less lonely.
Jessica Torrant said…
Isn't it funny how that works? It's always the way... just when you're ready to throw in the towel, something happens, someone says or does something, and things click in some way that makes sense of the world again... at least in some small wy. So yes, to reiterate, WRITE - SHARE - dig as deep as you want to go. Your followers/fans get it, and we care.
paula said…
u have no idea what ur comments mean. urs and everyone elses. thank you woman

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