8/23/12

no pin point on the map

road reflector flowers
i been all over the map and not really heading in any particular direction.  i pooped out working for dan on that house a few weeks ago.  hot.  hot.  humid.  i felt like i was peeing down my legs with all the sweat coming off of me and i got completely flat on my back drained dead tired.  lost my appetite, wasnt drinking enough fluid...just kinda hard on me i guess so i faded away once again.  it frustrates me that when i go work for someone else doing something that i know i can't stand to do for too long i start selling art online and then come back to my world to make more art and then sales stop.  then i feel like i gotta go back out there and try again doing something that is usually hard on me mentally and physically and the cycle starts all over again. 


unfinished beside pallet table
this summer i also jumped onto the pallet collecting/dismantling bandwagon.  i now have about 300 pieces of wood sitting here and i really want to start making little tables or shelves to sell but i'm feeling stuck about how to make modular furniture.  how to ship it.  how to make it non wobbly.  i have much to learn.  i also DO NOT want to make plain wood pieces, i gotta metal it up.  above are two pics of a little bedside table i started last month.  i got stuck because i know i want to add metal to it as well as a lower shelf.  i had a lot of ideas about what to do but nothing has felt SURE yet.  i look at it every single day and wait for that feeling or sign.  usually the thing will tell me what it wants eventually.  its cool as it is but i know there is so much more i can do and i dont wanna fuck it up.  i have been inundated with ideas and designs that are far beyond my capabilities at the moment.  i need to buy a portable table saw.  i need more work space.  more tools more hardware. MORE MORE MORE fuck.  i feel like a snake that eats its meal in one bite and you have to wait hours for it to digest. 

so there is frustration.  there is knowing i wanna make more of something that is even bigger and more loft cluttery than my vases and flowers.  i know i need to jump in and just do it and stop thinking so much.  i've already re arranged my living space once again to make room for all this wood and the impending pieces i make.  i feel suffocated.  i feel tired.  i feel i'm wasting precious time.  i feel scared and excited.  i feel like i can't take it another day sometimes.  feelings and thoughts.  thoughts and feelings.  wanting things to change and wanting nothing to change.  clinging to the little bit of safety and 'security' i have and yet knowing there is none with this [artists] life that i have chosen [or that has chosen me]. 

wanting something that which i do not even know. 

the moments. the surreal vignettes of happenings here in huntsville...the day to day interactions and observations.  the feeling of connectedness with you artist peeps spread all across the globe.  the feeling of wanting to be out there on the road visiting you guys.  learning.  talking.  sharing.  and then the feeling of hell i can barely get thru a day sometimes and all i want to do is sleep in a quiet peaceful place and take a break from the crazy world i live in.

having said that.  the reality is.  here i am.  made some more modular flowers (above first photo and woolly mammoths below).  thrilled even if it is still painstakingly slow for me to figure out which size tap and die i need for the found bolts i use.  thrilled even if i keep spending more money on tools/hardware that just lead me to needing to buy MORE.  still interested in my reliquary boxes of which i've made more of.  thrilled with such simple things as a new found tube which makes for a perfect remote control box:

reclaimed scrap metal 'boxes'
woolly mammoths
...and there you are. caught up if'n you were wonderin.


9 comments:

Lisa Fulton said...

Paula, your flowers, vases and boxes are fantastic. They are succinct statements of connection between the age-old physical beauty of nature, and the crumblings and leavings of the industrial age. You manage to make an almost mystical connection.

The pallet furniture promises to go in the same direction, once you have pushed through the material with your usual force. The fact that your force comes from such a frail and frustrated human is very interesting. Thanks for your openness - giving us a view of this amazing process.

paula said...

lisa.
such a comment you left. tears poured out of my eyes. you are a cool human, you made me see beauty in something i thought i already saw the beauty in but now see i havent seen nearly half of it. thank you for sharing your perspective on my work. and self. thats what i'm talking about. you people out there....you make it bearable.

Dawn of LaTouchables said...

I'm a big fan of your's, Paula...always have been, always will be.

paula said...

backatcha dawn :)

Colleen Kole said...

you inspire me-your honesty and your art -

your pallet furniture is new and anything new takes time
before craftsmanship is perfected and the art is born. you always get it but your patience for the process is sometimes slow:)
this is another really cool adventure -go....into the new realms.

paula said...

thank you colleen good reminder :)

Carla Trujillo said...

Love that pallet table!!!!
I dismantled wooden pallets last summer, but I tore mine apart completely. They sit waiting for new life.
With the holidays coming up, I'm sure sales will increase.
Stay true to your art and press on!

paula said...

i've torn them completely apart too...just look like that when i put them back together :)
yes i'm staying true as i can carla....

Lisa D. said...

I love love the table! I too have issues with shipping certain things : /

I really like that yellow square pot you have

Lisa