here is where i confess.  i am sick of the whole shower thing.  and i know its a good opportunity and i've learned something and yeah, made a few bucks too but it has been hard on me and i suppose if i were doing it for myself (which i wouldnt do this hahahaa) i would care more.  it's not that i dont care, i'm just burnt out.  perhaps the extreme fatigue has something to do with it.  now that i kinda found out that the open sewer hole should have been sealed up and that perhaps i was feeling so drained because of that, i can look back and see if i had more energy it wouldnt have been so bad.  and this WAS my first time doing this alone.  i tend to not like doing something that i dont think i'm doing a good job technically with.  and i know i've made mistakes and i also would really like it if the grout were a lot darker and it 'popped' out more.  but it is what it is.  there is a deadline for all this to be done.  i had to whip up an idea LIKE THAT  and work fast/hard and when i asked for a dark grout i got pewter and i now know that isnt dark enough.  also, it got kinda powdery cloudy as i didnt really understand i guess the right time/way to remove the cloudy film on the tiles.  blah blah blah.  its done save for the sealer which i will have to do next week when everything is good and dry.  i have to say, grouting thick uneven small pieces of tile mosaic is the worst thing i've ever done art wise.  THE WORST.  i had no idea grouting was such a pain in the ass.  hard on the hands, arms, back....it dehydrates you and my hands are numb leather cut up appendages.  my hair never needs washing as its just powdery (from all the grout mixing) and white.  my face is more wrinkly.  my clothes a mess.  i'm not sure i understand working this hard for something.  gimmi a claw tub any day.  it makes cutting my pipes outside on the asphalt parking lot in 100 degree 100% humidity seem like a piece of cake!

i would not have left so much space around the crosses either.  but i didnt know what the hell i was doing and since i wanted to do this bullet shell thing we had to invent how to do it to make it work so it was a learning experience for us all.  us meaning dan suggested after a few failed attempts how to do the bullet shells (see posts below).  anyhow.  now i'm doing the floor.  and since i'm sick of tiny tile mosaic i'm cutting up odd unmeasured square and rectangle shapes.  and since the tile cutter is shitty and i suck at it....i've given into not caring that they arent even straight cuts.  it isnt me to measure.  i eye it.  and then the tile cutter is so screwy and its just a watery mess to do, i just do it and let the tile gods deal with it.  i would have finished the floor today were it not for the rain and my getting tired again and just not wanting to cut tile in the rain let alone mix my thin set up in this weather. 

what a time this has been.  i'm so grateful for this chance to work and make some money. and be with really cool good mellow people.  i miss my art time, my life time....but i like being busy with something else and learning.  i think it has been a shock to be working so much for someone else.  i'm still so tired at the end of the day i dont want to do anything but have a glass of wine and surf the internet.  my evening walks/bike rides looking for found objects for MY art is almost non-existent.  i wonder what if anything is next.  i dont think i want to go back to just being here alone all the time working on my art.  i'm not sure i have it in me to keep working 30-40 hrs a week, i mean when this job ends i dont even know if there is another chance to work with dan on something. or if he would have me.  sometimes i think i'm not cut out for house building.  when i hear about how they had to deal with feet of rat nests and rat shit in the attic...and the rewiring of the house and all the hard work...knowing that summer is almost here and any future work is gonna be even harder cuz of no a.c. while working...i think can i do it?  what do i want?  i like being around people that i know and who are artists and not living the drudgergeric life that many do.  i need people.  i need something to plug in-to.  i need to feel my hands again.......and yes i know i need to take pictures of the shower.  i will.  i just wish i felt better about it.  i'm too tired to think about it.

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