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finally starting to click

this is week 2 of me working with/for dan.  its different this time.  feels it to me at least.  i've changed.  i hadnt realized it until i got back in the saddle and noticed my 'tude was different.  for one....the ego seems to have sloughed off a few layers.  its a joint effort.  people work together.  i dont have to prove anything.  i'm working with some mellow peeps and i can relax.

feels different.  already i've learned some stuff and challenged myself.  i may like rust and industrial debitage but i'm kinda a pussy in many ways.  i may act tough.... still, sometimes... but i'm still anxious.  my heart can beat as fast as a small rodent if i'm startled or thinking too much.  so yeah, it was a big fucking deal for me to be moving around a big ole extension ladder last week (with my lower back out ta boot) and climbing up it to paint the exterior of this house that we are all 'daninizing'.  on a busy street no less so i get to feel my projected judgements about myself that i've foisted upon unknown vehicles zipping by.  see.  its a little messy still in my world but i'm working on it.

yesterday was a big deal for me.  here i'm dreading mosaic stuff and i was asked if i wanted to do the small bathroom in one of the bedrooms.  2 years ago i would have sighed and felt dread.  this time, for whatever reason i was up for the challenge.  kinda feels like i've learned some stuff these last 2 years on texas soil.  i'm more familiar with whats available to work with and when told i could do whatever i wanted as long as it wouldnt rust or break down (like plastic). guess what i picked?  bullet shells. and guess what design i'm gonna make?  CROSSES. hahahaha

there is something too delightful for words about this.  i was inspired by the bedroom.  its a bit unusual.  the bedroom, to my delight, is not wood, rather it is cut up pieces of galvanized steel.  we are talking dark blue, gray, almost black at times long chunks of it covering the wall like some apocalyptic wall paper. i hadda think of something equally masculine and hard core.  brass bullets.  haffta.

i have a day or so to come up with my design.  i will be using primarily tiles, broken up, random pieces.  i've chosen salmon/cream/gray tiles and plan to keep them rather large instead of the slivers and small pieces that i've worked with before for dan.  i dont want all the smallness of the tiles to take away from the smallness of the bullet shells.  i want to make small chunky powerful crosses.  havent quite decided how to place them....and i will be doing the floors too so i wanna also disperse them into the floor.  ps i learned how to install the shower floor tile yesterday.  no bragging, none at all because it's at the right level, the water will drain....but it isnt the most professional looking job.  i had to cut the tiles to fit and cut out the circle for the drain with a tile saw.  i liked doing something different and while still a bit intimidated about this mosaic tile shower thing, the bullets are totally inspiring me.  i also found a few oval almost belt buckle looking things at the scrap yard (copper or aluminum i dunno) with the words: jaded, on them.  i hope to incorporate them into the shower walls as well.  i'm afraid if i REALLY told you my inspiration/joy about this whole thing you would think i'm a sick puppy.  i'll keep it to myself for now.  lest i lose more blog readers....i believe i lost 3 after my 'crosses' posts a week ago. funny, i had almost called that cross i made 'i offend thee' and apparently i did offend a few.

speaking of offending and crosses...god stuff.  believe it or not when i went to the scrap yard today while waiting to have my bullet shells weighed an older guy and his scruffy son had a truck load of mangled metal to sell and the old guy started telling me a story and it was all about christ and god and heaven.  and all this old guys wants to do each day is make people smile, and of course that includes pushing religion onto 'us'.  i wonder...since he seems hell bent on making people smile (and of course i smiled like a baboon for him) i wonder...what would he have done if i suggested perhaps it was his own ego trying to control people?  exerting his power, not the lords.......but that, thats another riff i dont want to take on.  i went with it.  i was nice.  not in the mood to challenge.  i was smiling more out of my own maniacal joy that i was at the scrap yard 2 days in a row, that i found some cool shit for myself...and that i was going to get to make some functional art that people are actually going to see and use in this house. see, i have my own ego to worry about why should i try to trample some else's?

ps i'm not trying to bash people who happen to believe pr hope in a higher power. i can get just as triggered by zealotry of others' including own when it comes to religion/politics/ health, whatever.  i do find it obnoxious when people foist their thoughts/belief's (fears it would seem for many are what keeps those belief's up and that wears me down) onto others.  especially in normal day to day situations.  no one knows is what i think and the superiority and sheep like mentality of such foistations drive me crazy.


AnitaNH said…
Hey, Paula. . .I love that cross title. My theory is you can please everyone. Might as well please yourself!
AnitaNH said…
Anonymous said…
Offend away! At least you will know who your true readers are.

It's funny, Atheists don't go around all preaching their word but the 'faithful' (a very broad term) have to yabba on all the time. Why are they SO insecure?
Tod said…
Leave it to Paula The Great to design brass bullet shell casing crosses embedded in bathroom shower mosaic tile that appeals to both Christians and Atheists. My heart grows warm.
Louise said…
Pictures Please...
Viktoria said…
Great to read! yes, I would also love to see some ...
Teo said…
Can't wait to see what you come up with. Sounds challenging but I know you can handle it. All my respect and admiration for what you are doing, Paula!
Angela Recada said…
I'm so glad this is all working out for you, Paula. Can't wait to see pictures!

As someone who lives in a very, very conservative/religious place, too, I truly *get* what you were saying about the crosses and religion. Just thought you should know, even though I didn't comment on that post. I thought your crosses were fabulous, by the way.
paula said…
well there isnt much to take pictures of right now and the more i thought about it the less i want to share too much, i will of course when i finish that bathroom. guess i like making y'all use your imagination. sometimes it seems like we take too many pictures and blast them out there like some sort of vapid filler for content.
the shower is a big deal for me, i dont get days and days to dream of something perfect and i'm limited in materials. i just hope i can do something that isnt a dizzying mess. :) angela, glad you liked my cross!
Kim Hambric said…
Reading this post is like watching the sun come up -- a feeling that something good and worthwhile is happening.

Bullet casings!! Dang that's great. BTW, you've got some nerve climbing that ladder -- I never make it past the 3rd rung.

And you at least know that you have not offended me in any way.
paula said…
kim...the day i offend you is the day i will be afraid. VERY afraid. x0x0

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