do i really know or understand what a chakra is? uh...nuhuh. but i DO know that in my reading of 'eastern mind western body' the nugget (that would be me according to tod) definitely has over/under balances in those areas. whats a nugget to do? well i gots me some simple techniques for the 1st chakra...grounding myself. should help with those annoying bouts of anxiety and feeling like i'm doomed and have no ability to take care of myself financially or in my 'home'.
the 2nd chakra presents a bit of a dog bone of a problem as i need movement and experiences. duh. i knew it. which is why i'm working for dan right now on that house. its letting myself fall into it all. it is not easy for me. i'm supposed to fall into life. not know. aim for it. ZOOM into the void. (again and again apparently since obviously the leaving of my life in arizona 9 years ago and venturing off into the unknown in my car/tent wasnt enough)
today i went there ...into the void...and since i'm the one doing that bathroom i have to (get to) design the shower mosaic. i got to pick from some reclaimed tiles and basically do whatever i can conjure up that wont rust. i picked bullet shells. i have to use this quickset stuff that you mix up from a powder and water and then press the tile and whatever else into it. well....OF COURSE the shells dont really adhere. i tried 4 or 5 times with a thick chunk of quickset and the damn things just kept doing the leaning tower of Pisa. when i do new things, especially when there are other humans around and i'm starting to feel like i dont understand anything i get anxious and dizzy and completely overwhelmed. exhausted. blurry vision. jesus what a delicate thing i can be.......so it happened today. i just felt SICK. i wanted this to work so badly and i wanted it to be easy. well nothing ever is in my life. NOTHING. so why do i keep thinking it will be?
hardieboard on the floor first, a level surface and once dry i can screw it onto the shower wall hardieboard. even then it was a challenge to keep those bullets upright. i had to turn each one over and stuff it with the quickset, put a shitload of quickset onto the hardieboard and then push those suckers into it and let it dry some and position them again. tomorrow if they arent secure enough dan said we could put some super glue on them. ultimately the grout will keep them in place but for now this will do the trick.
needless to say i came home for lunch and was fried emotionally. i am overwhelmed by this mosaic shower thing. mosaic is like a koan. its a puzzle that is unsolvable. will it all be a mess? will the bullets NOT stand out amongst the crazy abstract retching of broken up tile i need to fill the shower walls with?
i also decided to cut some of the tiles into squares to form around the crosses. all i know is, i am splattered with watery tile powder. my hair is stiff as if i used an entire bottle of old lady hair spray on it. its whiter in color. i am filthy. I LOVE IT. i cut tile yesterday too and i have no desire to wash my hair. i absolutely love being completely filthy, dirty and stinky. its as much fun as making art is. i am too tired to eat. too tired to sleep. i'm making a pittance. i am really almost sick with fatigue. but it feels right. its worth the stress and anxiety and i have no idea why.
this is the bathroom right now
the other challenge is now that the little crosses as well as the larger cross i want to do, are all going to be on this hardie board, they are going to stick out a bit more from the shower wall. i will have to blend that somehow. make it work. now that i know this isnt as simple as first thought, i wont be using as many bullet shells elsewhere, its just too expensive and time consuming. i was able to make 6 of these tiny bullet pieces today and cut some tiles. just like that, the day was over!