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life life life

so back to life. to huntsville. to feeling like i need some change or some stability or something different than what i've got going on.

loyal readers know that tod and i moved here from vermont nov of 2009.  to work with dan and the phoenix commotion.  and ya know that i stuck with it awhile, working for min wage doing lots of mosiac stuff and then i kinda burnt out and realized i wanted to do my own art again.  tod stuck with it longer and then also burnt out.  its not easy.  there is an enormous amount to learn if you want, but i never got in on that, wasnt sure i wanted to build my own house and ended up going a little crazy doing hours and hours and more hours of mosaic work (and there were hundreds upon hundreds of hours by a handful of people who did that and they did AMAZING work).   it just isnt my thing.  i couldnt see putting all that time in for something that wasnt 'mine', stupid of me? selfish? probably.  the people that have stuck with it i feel it behooved them.  it would have behooved me.  but i dont have the emotional make up to suffer so much as i did suffer physically and mentally doing something i really didnt want to be doing.  that isnt to say those places are not incredible.  and its very cool....i'm just an independent being and find i can work 10 hours a day for ME but working even a few hours for someone else? i start to get exhausted and headachy and my back feels like shit.


i'm working min. wage.....min. 30 hours a week for dan again. thats right.  i started yesterday.  a big 4 hours then and 6 today (with 3 hour break inbetween and by god i feel like i've been run over by 2 trucks)  and  yet i'm thankful if not somewhat baffled. i'm thankful because i need an escape from me. from my life that feels stagnant right now.  i need some cash, sales are slow.  i need to focus on something other than myself.

i wont lie.  day one i wanted to quit.  day two i REALLY wanted to quit.  my back went out 2 weeks ago and here i am maneuvering a tall adjustable ladder around a house and painting it in the baking sun.  my legs are swollen at the end of the day.  my head is killing me. my back is yelling at me.  i'm TOO TIRED TO SLEEP.  i have no appetite.  i feel like the biggest wimp.  i'm thinking i work so hard but this is kicking my ass.  i'm making a pittance.  i dont know why i'm doing this but i am.  and i'm damned thankful.

i guess i'm thankful because i get to work around others and sometimes alone.  because i can be flexible in those 30 hours, i can come in early and leave and come back.  i dont have some mean boss looming.  dan is about the most amiable human i've ever met.  and the other women i'm working with are good spirited and have good energy.  its good to get away and realize i do love making art.  its good to get away and appreciate my life even if lately it has felt rut-like.

this house that i'm working on is a house that someone is paying dan to phoenix commotionize.  so while the house isnt being built from the ground up, it was a total make over.  i obviously wasnt around for the worst of it....the cleaning of the black mold, the getting rid of the rat nests and  putting in new insulation, completely redoing the electrical wiring, in other words:  working on the bare bones of a home that was totally unlivable.  they have about 5 weeks left to finish the house.  i have no idea what else i will be doing or if i can actually do it....but i'm gonna try.  make some money. maybe learn something.  get out of my rut.

and it has me thinking, do i really want to live in 'just another stupid boring home' that really doesnt meet my needs as an artist?   if you ask me do i want to build my own home i hear and feel a groan.  its hard work just painting a fucking house.  how am i supposed to BUILD ONE?  i can barely move that heavy ladder around.  you'd think i would be able to with no problem with all the stuff i do, lugging my tools outside and picking up big ole pipes...but the constant non-stop moving is killing me. so my head says no i dont want to live in a boring house like everyone else does but no i dont know if i can do this even if miraculously i am given the chance to. something deep in me says DO IT,. try. build something that works for YOU. if you keep saying yes to opportunities it can happen even if your head doesnt comprehend HOW.

scare yourself.  take a chance.  say yes.

look. i could move. i could have a much easier life if i just lived somewhere easier.  but i feel like i'm supposed to stay here.  and i could stay in this apartment....or i could get a house and just carry on as usual.  what would i gain.  not a thing.  what if i had a place that i made into paula wahla world.  what if i did have that yard that was a veritable jungle and i had my flowers there....and i had more of a studio than a home.  i dont want all that crap that a typical home needs, i just want my little twin bed and a place to shit and bathe and make food.  perhaps a room to sit and entertain and display indoor art.  other than that i dont want all the space and accouterments. im minimal baby.  i gots lots of scrap and i want more. i dont want more linen.  i dont want more this and that for display.  i want to weld.  i want to have people come over and teach and learn and buy and try and hang out.

there is a little jungle of a place for sale....the main home already torn down and the remaining structure a complete piece of trash from what i can tell.  i dunno how the hell i would ever tear it all down and rebuild it.  but something in me says do it. its yours.  the people are not even easy to deal with and i hear they keep putting others off and asking way too much.  something in me says it is yours.

i'm exhausted.  i'm clueless.  i want easy.  i want mountains and beauty and good food and libraries that separate their new fiction from non-fiction. i want tod to hang with.  i want eco friendly bike lanes.  and yet.  the core of me is telling me for now....this is it.  here.  huntsy.  huntsvillefuckingtexas.  i dont even know if i can find a property, if i can do this or will do it but it seems to be what i feel drawn to and i'm just trusting that if keep following my instincts i WILL find whatever it is i'm supposed to be doing next.


deborah said…
You seem really excited about the possibilities, Paula. And I bet people there will help you fix up a place. Just trust your intuition and keep going for it!
Another cross road in your life. Trusting your gut has worked for you previously, why not trust it now?
Anonymous said…
Life is too short NOT to follow your gut's what makes our existence on this rock called Earth exciting. You're a brave lady. Go with what feels right for the moment, and enjoy the next adventure when it comes along.
Love and Light to you!
paula said…
deborah: funny, i think i feel excited just at the thought of ANYTHING happening as its been so stagnant lately. i feel dread, fear anxiety if you want to know the truth. i'm just trying to look forward with better attitude.
nellie: crossroads. good word :)
sarah: thanks!!
Viktoria said…
WoW! sounds adventurous. Independence is essential for you! If the conditions can be done, to have a place of your own could be a really good thing, Paula.
wish you the best!
Colleen Kole said…
Well decision made and must feel good to be able to say that! Ever onward and forward.
gotta love any opportunity to learn something!
YEAH! sometimes you gotta just do something else for the variety and plain old experience of it. Getting out of your own 6 ft radius from time to time certainly can't hurt.I call it "screen burn" .. go forth woman... live another interesting chapter and tell us all about it.

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