often i am aware that i am not like most people. we are and we arent. right? specifically...i never married. never had kids. dont have pets. haven't held a 'real job' for any length of time as i worked for myself basically since 1987 give or take sporadic shit jobs i've taken to make ends meet while being an artist these last 7 years.
i spend my days looking for scrap. riding my bike and stopping at the drop of a dime to get that little dirty crusty lug nut or washer in the crack of a parking lot driveway. digging thru dumpsters at night to pull out odd shaped boxes to ship my flowers or other odd art pieces. digging thru piles of heavy metal to find the perfect 'thing'. spending hours online promoting etsy shops (number three shop just got up this weekend and its my supply/industrial decor shop)
since tod left 2 months ago my life is even more cut off and strange. he and i talk on the phone...keeping in mind we aren't some troubled couple that had a tumultuous relationship, in fact our last 5 years together were spent as platonic friends, buddies...compadres. so his leaving had more to do with his needing to find HIS self and life and fulfill his needs, as friends we miss each other. we probably wouldn't bode well living together again unless we had our own 'floors' and separate spaces. but we do miss each other as friends/people/art cohorts. so i continue to be alone. it is rare i spend time with anyone. i dont get their lives and they dont get mine. we dont have time for each other me and these people i'm meeting. i dont really care about their kids/family life. i dont really care about much but art. movies. books. i dont eat out cuz i can buy what i want and make it last longer. even if i weren't poor, eating out just doesnt thrill me.
i'm more happy when i live a simple life. i'm not a self sustainable type. i dont like gardens and if i had my own plot of land i would rather find a way to grow meat products than green vegetable thingies. i get more excited by a month of living in utter hot sweaty conditions and saving $50 or more in my electric bill than if you just gave me the $50.
i've been more quiet lately. put myself on a facebook profile sabbatical as i found i couldn't even stand to read about everyone's 'doings' for the summer. i can't keep taking all of it in. all this stuff everyone does. i love my facebook friends. my online friends. but i'm in this dire straits of sorts financially and existentially and its just too much. my head explodes with rage or confusion reading things that make no sense. i make no sense i can't even stand to read my shit half the time. i need to focus. i'm scattered. something is happening. nothing is happening. i have a few weeks before its time to find out if i can stay at this place or not. if i can't...if i have to move it is unimaginable. all this STUFF. art...supplies...tools. all this lack of money and energy. the endless online searching for where would i go if i could afford it? where do i want? what do i want? my head feels like 400 people are playing pingpong inside and half the time i'm just in a daze.
i can barely make a flower. i can barely do anything. and yet i'm always doing something. i need to learn more. i need more. want more. or. i need to let it all just fall away. apart. who knows. one day at a time. sometimes one hour at a time. i envy people who get to take vacations and have space and time to breath. thats not healthy. i guess i envy their sense of safety. them having the one or two people they enjoy being with and the space and time to relax and not constantly be jumping from one hot spot to the next. that they can buy something if they want and dont have to worry if they will go further into debt. i used to have money. i used to be miserable. now i dont have money. my lifestyle has changed drastically and i'm glad i've found my artist self but this isn't sustainable. i dont know what i need. i dont want to weld but i need to have that available to me. i wish i could find someone who WASNT very creative and wanted to work for me. i wish i could find a community that i could flourish in. huntsville IS the city of death. things die here. where is the city of rebirth? how do i get there? or do i stay here and just keep waiting for the perfect storm.
i have a feeling i have misspellings in here and blogger isn't picking it up. forgive my stupidity
and ps. an hour later i realize this isnt about money as much as it is about life. purpose. direction. being in the flow. my flow stopped. everything got jostled...pieces are falling all around me and i have no clue what i'm doing.