7/11/10

yes no maybe so

yesterday we decided nix the house for now.  on off. yes no. stop go.  god this is tiring.
we are ambivilent.  that best describes our state.  we have yet to feel that excitement we would hope to feel when it comes to building our own home.  thats a sign is it not? 

tod is still trying to find purpose. passion.  anything.  art has intrigued him and he has been making more art but still wants to find that thing.  he thought building a house might be that but the passion failed to take hold.  still could but it hasn't.  he has always had ideas.  right now he is delving into another one about art, found objects and a website. 

and i've not felt the passion either for this house.  technically it never felt like it would be mine.  i dont have a pot to piss in.  i want to either build a self sustainable home or buy one at some point...not something in between which if we built this house based on our money would be just that.  after re-evaluating our $$ it really doesn't seem the best fit.  it's all tod's money and after down payment for land, mentor fee and materials etc there isn't much left to keep paying rent and me borrowing for food etc if I dont have a good month on my own.  lets just say it will go fast after a few months of working on the house and still trying to bring in a buck here and there.  i dont want all the stress of we have to get this done and somehow find a way to have income at the same time.   i dont want to live in a match box, i dont want to live in a castle either but i want wiggle room.  and honestly, i dont really want to live in a neighborhood that is poor.  yeah i'm poor but i dread the crime.  living in a neighborhood where you dont want to walk around at night would suck.  i need to feel safe.  that neighborhood is on the fence...it bridges the good and the bad ones.  we are the white people that stick out there.  it isn't a neighborhood that feels like people would want to do 'tool shares' or get together and mingle.  we are the outcasts i feel it every time i go there. we are stared at.  i'm not comfortable there.  i'm already tired of the low rider cars driving by with their music blasting and bumping and thumping. this isn't about me being white and them being black.  i've had friends and boyfriends who were black.  this is just about culture and preference for lifestyle.  last night we went there and 2nd weekend in a row of 'block party' type feel.  lined up and down with ghetto cars and the street filled with people.  beer cans in hand...reeking of alcohol.  i dont see myself doing well there.

take whatever you can?  sometimes that isn't a good thing.  who knows. i'm sure if we 'went for it' it would work out.  just right now i dont have the zest it takes.  i need my art life functioning again.  i forgot when i'm not doing well in that area of my life i start to harden and die. 

thats the update for today.  i want to feel alive again.  maybe we need to get our art businesses going.  we need some real income, self sustainability so we can live anywhere and not be beholden to the job market given the area we live in. 

7 comments:

andrea said...

I'll admit that though I loved your idea of a project, a home and some roots all wrapped into one, I was questioning your location. You can always change the structure but you can never (well, almost never) change where it is, and you have been more than ambivalent about Huntsville since you got there, though I certainly have heard more enthusiasm for it the longer you've been there. You'll do the right thing when it's the right time. As for Tod, what floated his boat the most when he was a kid? the key might be there.

paula said...

you are right. we always knew we would probably sell it in 2-5 years as we dont see ourselves living here forever unless we somehow get rich enough to travel more and get the hell out of here.

been there done that with tod asking and picking away. he is like me, he has had many past lives (in this life) doing things. he will figure it out...

Angela Recada said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Teo said...

I was so sorry to read you gave up on the idea of building the house for now, but after getting the reasons I couldn’t agree with you more. Even if there is never quite a perfect time in life for big decisions like getting children or building a house, with all your doubts that was wisest decision you could make.

Nellie's Needles said...

Just think of all you've learned and discovered in this part of your journey. When the time is right, you'll know what is possible and what kind of space and structure works for you both.

collage whirl said...

I'm glad you got the elusive clarity and now you can focus on all the other stuff you've got happening. That place doesn't sound like it's right for you. Something better will turn up!

paula said...

thanks teo. bittersweet in a way but if its worth doing it is worth doing well and with passion. hopefully we get another chance, another plot of land some day when things feel right.

nellie, guess we have learned some things. more what we dont want than do!

deborah...the damnest thing is, it is still better than vermont in a really weird way. it got us to another level and we still have more interaction in the world even if it is a cultureless wasteland (feels that way to me still) we still have opportunities, i'm still in more little galleries and this town could still change. not my ideal place to live forever but it is a stepping stone that pushed me to make different art and that was much needed!