yes no maybe so
we are ambivilent. that best describes our state. we have yet to feel that excitement we would hope to feel when it comes to building our own home. thats a sign is it not?
tod is still trying to find purpose. passion. anything. art has intrigued him and he has been making more art but still wants to find that thing. he thought building a house might be that but the passion failed to take hold. still could but it hasn't. he has always had ideas. right now he is delving into another one about art, found objects and a website.
and i've not felt the passion either for this house. technically it never felt like it would be mine. i dont have a pot to piss in. i want to either build a self sustainable home or buy one at some point...not something in between which if we built this house based on our money would be just that. after re-evaluating our $$ it really doesn't seem the best fit. it's all tod's money and after down payment for land, mentor fee and materials etc there isn't much left to keep paying rent and me borrowing for food etc if I dont have a good month on my own. lets just say it will go fast after a few months of working on the house and still trying to bring in a buck here and there. i dont want all the stress of we have to get this done and somehow find a way to have income at the same time. i dont want to live in a match box, i dont want to live in a castle either but i want wiggle room. and honestly, i dont really want to live in a neighborhood that is poor. yeah i'm poor but i dread the crime. living in a neighborhood where you dont want to walk around at night would suck. i need to feel safe. that neighborhood is on the fence...it bridges the good and the bad ones. we are the white people that stick out there. it isn't a neighborhood that feels like people would want to do 'tool shares' or get together and mingle. we are the outcasts i feel it every time i go there. we are stared at. i'm not comfortable there. i'm already tired of the low rider cars driving by with their music blasting and bumping and thumping. this isn't about me being white and them being black. i've had friends and boyfriends who were black. this is just about culture and preference for lifestyle. last night we went there and 2nd weekend in a row of 'block party' type feel. lined up and down with ghetto cars and the street filled with people. beer cans in hand...reeking of alcohol. i dont see myself doing well there.
take whatever you can? sometimes that isn't a good thing. who knows. i'm sure if we 'went for it' it would work out. just right now i dont have the zest it takes. i need my art life functioning again. i forgot when i'm not doing well in that area of my life i start to harden and die.
thats the update for today. i want to feel alive again. maybe we need to get our art businesses going. we need some real income, self sustainability so we can live anywhere and not be beholden to the job market given the area we live in.