3/2/10

stress

life is feeling pretty stressful.  the only job i can so far find available is working for the prison system.  i dont qualify for much.  and i suppose i will never have the desperation to apply for a job watching hardened criminals.  i'm fairly certain i wouldn't pass that sort of interview as just entering the facility would probably instill a helpless bodily shaking.

i wonder if i'm supposed to move.  i wonder how much longer i can survive without making money.  i wonder what is going to happen to my art my tools my supplies.  what if i can't make art any more because i dont live anywhere even slightly conducive space wise?  its been hard enough here and its almost impossible to imagine finding a better place if we move as we will have less money to work with.  i wonder if i will loose it. my mind.  my will.

i'm not happy right now for sure.  i'm tired of the endless testosterone from all sides of our dwelling.  the grunty weight lifters below us that come at all hours of the day and night.  new neighbors above to the side of us now, 4 college kids who all live in a completely windowless apartment.  no windows.  none.  that can't be good.  banging and clanging up and down the metal stairs, their loud puppy voices waft directly into our loft as they clamor on their little balcony for the only drop of air and sunlight they can get.  the endless sound of next door neighbors peeing and flushing and the near insane constant showering and washing of clothes that drowns out our one escape: netflix.

i still dont think it was a mistake to leave vermont.  tod agrees.  sometimes i say lets go back see if we can get our old care taking job back and he reacts like a cat that has had water thrown on him.  he is done with that world.  that weather.  but we both know we still haven't found our thing. our place. our people. it's hard to believe we dont have a frickin clue.  not one clue.  we can see now i need to be closer to an art market.  but we both feel unsure about if galleries are the answer.  i dont know where i belong and its getting really tiring.  i keep thinking make all the art you can right now because this might be the last time/place/space.  then i think why bother i just have to stuff it/store it.  spending every single day trying to figure out what is next mostly just paralyzes me.  its as if we aren't seeing it.  we aren't looking outside of the box far enough.  the clock is ticking with a lease expiring and the more stressed i get the less likely i will conjure up creative possibilities.  i just dont believe that my life long conditioning of being a failure is really true.  does that make sense?  no one can save me but me.  i'm not sure how to do that anymore.  the rules have changed, my life is completely foreign to me.

8 comments:

andrea said...

Maybe you just haven't found your place yet. Have you ever thought of moving to northeast Washington state? I love it there: it's empty and wild and still has a little bit of that urban chic that Seattle has. Check out the photos I took there last May: http://www.flickr.com/photos/didrooglie/sets/72157619664548176/

paula said...

we have but get dissuaded by my sister telling me the economy is horrible and the art market at least in seattle seems a little droopy, meaning my kind of art probably wouldnt thrill many.
northeast of there? would need to see on craigslist if they have 'gig's and 'community' things going on as that is how i know i could find little shit jobs and its how i see if there is activity (things for free/trade/sell etc) that is remotely creative.
nice pictures btw :)

ArtPropelled said...

Something is brewing. It is always uncomfortable just before you grasp the clue. What if just for today you block out everything and only focus on your work and the joy you get from doing it. Nothing else matters just for today.

paula said...

i know robyn...i know. it goes against how we are brought up to think but it will save me if i can just focus on the work. art is such a teacher!

Andrée said...

I've been away from your blog for so long, for so many reasons. I apologize. I'm sorry you left Vermont. I did too . . . to New Hampshire. But I'm going back. No work here or there but at least I'll have my birds and moose and no traffic. I'll keep better up to date with you, too.

paula said...

wow andree..sounds like you've had some big changes too. glad you at least know what/where :) hope its a good move back.

andrea said...

BTW northeast WA is the area around Spokane, Columbia River valley, Idaho panhandle, etc. Small, rural, empty. Actually quite different from Seattle but within a few hours' driving.

paula said...

i spent a long while looking at spokane...there is a site citydatabase that is hugely informative when you want to hear what the place is really like from people who have lived there. spokane...tod said nuhuh when i told him all i found out. its almost embarrassing to talk about because i worry we seem just too damn fussy.