really the last thing i want is to just babble ad nauseam about all the stuff i just babbled about below. but after writing that post, spending the day doing whatever it is i do and going off to the university library to get away from here i came home to a comment from andrea and started to realize the more i tried to answer her comment question the more that i saw most of that stuff wasn't exactly what the problem is.
yes the money thing IS a problem. and living somewhere else, more beautiful or fun or distracting...sociable etc probably wouldn't solve much. i'm reminded by tod that i was just as struggly in vermont. and while it is already obvious this realization, it wasn't OBVIOUS until i had a 3 hour sit down talk with tod last night and i heard myself say two things that finally made me realize why i'm so fucking miserable. 1) i can't see 95% of my materials. everything is in boxes, on shelves, stacked high. i can't GET to my stuff and can't lay it out. i can barely work. i feel like i am making art with a blindfold on and my arms tied behind my back. its maddening to the point of implosion. no wonder i'm going nuts. it's like being a chef and all your food and spices are sealed up in boxes on shelves and every time you want to make something you don't even know what you can make because you dont know what you have and it's so much of a chore to find things you just keep making different kinds of omelette's because all you ever have in your fridge are eggs (in my case its the scrap wood i have growing like a fungus all around me).
the other realization i had ~ something that i guess never occurred to me, finally hit me over the head like a ton of bricks and i might not have concluded unless i started making those little wood assemblages is this: it scares the shit out of me to be an artist. to make something that has no 'real meaning'. to devote my time, my life towards creating something that barely makes any sense to ME let alone to anyone else feels insane.
when i was at the library with tod he grabbed a book by eve hesse and i by the great john chamberlain, i whipped through it, showing tod pieces that just spoke volumes to me, he showing me the work's by eva that especially spoke to him. John's work hits me in the gut and strikes me with a sense of power and beauty that exceeds any verbal description. eve's work had a this mysterious and powerful essence, even if i didn't care for it that much i could see something in it that helped to form my realization later that night about art and how scary it is. how scary it is. that doesn't even describe it. remember that houston post i wrote a few weeks ago, how i said on our drive home that tod all of a sudden looked out the car window and exclaimed '99% of what is out there we dont want'. well guess what, that 99% of the population probably doesn't want what i do. they dont get it. hell i dont even get it. i'm not sure i have the energy or words to relay my thoughts. not even sure it matters. but it feels like i owe it to myself and you to at least be truthful once i know what the truth is. and the truth of the matter is i'm learning what many of you already know about being an artist. i forget exactly how tod phrased it but he said i couldn't be in both worlds. i was talking about how i don't like the pomp and circumstance that surrounds art after the fact of its incarnation. the grandiosity of it even though i can sometimes feel it in others' works (ie john chamberlain), i struggle with how much 'importance' is placed on a body of work. a piece of something someone made that seemingly has no use or value. thats when he said i couldn't be in both worlds. i can't be objective. i have to focus on making the art and let that other stuff roll away from me.
long and short of it, tod told me that everything that happens after i make the art should be looked at as just a means to enable me to keep making art. if i feel uncomfortable about what it means or in my case DOESN'T mean (since nothing i make has any intellectual meaning to me), then so be it. i worry why would anyone want to help me and by that i mean the people who have given me access to materials/gallery space etc, i worry i owe them and cannot understand the why's or hows of people being interested and wanting to contribute to an artists life, the best thing for me to do is not think about it and just allow myself to accept when i receive and try to allow myself the space in my being to create and not THINK. i'm not relaying this very well, my mind feels like it short circuited last night from all the exploration and discovery i had in talking it out with tod. perhaps this can't really be explained, relaying it verbatum doesn't matter, i processed what i needed to process. i found an 'in' to my confusion and fear.
and here i am today. feeling intellectually better because I at least feel I have more awareness. and i will go back into my stuffed clogged up studio that frustrates the fuck out of me and beat my head against the wall as usual. and i will try to be gentle even though i really want to be mean and caustic. gentle with whatever it is in me that is trying to just BE and express. i keep beating that person up and ridiculing her. making her wrong or stupid for doing something the other me thinks makes no sense.