11/29/09

still no clue?

I can't say i miss vermont. the beauty, yes. i miss being able to walk outside right smack dab into nature and get lost in the beauty. can't say huntsville is in the beauty category but it does make up for that lack in the nice people department.

i've been here in texas something like 6 weeks now and i guess it feels like i'm slipping into some of my old thought patterns. not good. you see, turns out i'm not jumping in and learning how to build houses. i could i guess, if thats what i wanted to do. but the more i hang out and see what is going on and what is going to go on, the more confused i'm feeling about what i want to do.

tod got the website up and a design store is now a part of the phoenix commotion. the point of that is to help bring in funds for them as well as the artists involved. that could be me. it's a chance to make functional art with perhaps a wider audience/chance to sell. right now i need to get some income coming in before i take time to learn or do much else. problem is my head is telling me i'm just going to fill up our smaller space with more stuff as it 'waits' to be sold. it's starting to not be fun living with so few creature comforts. not feeling like inviting anyone over because there isn't anywhere to sit and the place, quite frankly, looks disheveled and ugly as we still have boxes and crap piled up. it's the longest i've ever tolerated living so chaotically and there is no end in site. if we dont start bringing in money we will have to move end of our 6 months lease to an even smaller place. not sure thats something i can handle. sometimes all i want is a cozy room with a couch, a bed, a bathtub and a chance to just be alone and rest.

so the old thought patterns just look ahead and panic. i still dont know what i'm supposed to be doing. its been rougher on me physically than i would like, not sleeping so good and not feeling fresh and alive, nor ready for hard work or any normal schedule. it's all an adjustment. it will probably take another month or so to better know where or if i belong. i can't remember the last time i felt like anyone was interested in who i was. is that what getting older feels like? i catch myself wondering if i'm supposed to be here and where if anywhere else i should be. i haven't felt like i belong anywhere in a long long time.

7 comments:

AnitaNH said...

Paula, when you say: "i can't remember the last time i felt like anyone was interested in who i was. is that what getting older feels like?" your words hit home for me. I suspect that the answer to the question is "YES" and for an artist maybe the realization is more difficult because who you are is so connected to what you make.

Colleen Kole said...

Nice people are a great start. Nice people eventually grow into friends. A sense of belonging takes time and that is always the hardest part to wait for and be patient for. I have moved 6 times and once the excitement of being somewhere new is gone you must just put one foot in front of the other each day. You have done an amazing amount in just a short period of time-be gentle on yourself. The adrenaline is just wearing off but you will get your rhythm back in a bit- it will be a new, exciting and different and you will fight that too. Hang in there!

ArtPropelled said...

Change takes some getting used to especially when you are right out of your comfort zone. I'm amazed at how much you have accomplished and I do so admire you for doing something like this. It takes guts and I'm pretty sure you are strong enough to battle through the strangeness of your situation until you find your rythm again. I know I would be feeling like a fish out of water so I really empathize. Hope you feel better soon.

paula said...

thanks you guys...hope i learn to swim soon..i'll keep hanging in there.

San said...

It's normal that "the honeymoon is over" after you move to a wonderful new place and live there for six weeks. Just like getting used to a romantic partner. But the real love is in the ordinary times. Give ordinary a chance.

San said...

P.S. I sound like such a know-it-all. :-0

paula said...

i just need some cash and a good bed ....