11/4/09

donuts and cigarette smoke

3am the donut wheel air conditioner churns. i look out and watch the street lights in their steadfast green hue. i could trot down there and have a donut. they open at 4. i can sit here and blink at my monitor. can't think of much else to do.... lots has changed and i'm a little cramped and trapped right now. i was tossing and turning, wishing i had a sofa to curl up on. wondering how i could get my big red round chair that is still in arizona, here. tod is nestled in our little bedroom on his air mattress. i hate that thing but its good he has it. i prefer sleeping on two foam pads but tonight they are making my body ache. i notice my eyes are puffy here. is it the low sea level?
it was hot today. its been hotter here since we've landed but for some reason i found it a little intolerable. menopause? maybe a little. i went to the job site during everyones lunch so i didn't have to deal with all the flurry of activity. grabbed more bones that are the 'less than desireable ones' for now at least. they are in the yard in a heap of green moss and bugs. of course i'm more attracted to them than the nice clean perfect ones that are protected in the building. i'm still flummoxed by the choices (or lack there of) of wood to use. i'm not a furniture maker per se, what little i have made has been more from found objects combined with a little ingenuity so i'm a bit stymied by that and my lack of art making space. do i just say fuck it and cut metal and bones and wood in our loft? out on our little door/porch area and hope neighbors and businesses dont mind the noise? hope my car doesn't get polluted by molecules of debris wafting towards it?

art monk. the prison horn blasts constantly throughout the day. i'm here, completely alone and have less to say. tod and i aren't so much fun me thinks. he gets up and does his online stuff and walks to the job site. i wait to be alone and fuss with making sense out of this place, making room for art i can't imagine making. no distractions. no tv. a library that turns my senses to alabaster. cigarette smoke seems to hover and waft into our nostrils everywhere we go. no nearby place to walk that delights my senses. barely recognizable food....why are they putting msg in all the meat? i've never had to look at everything i buy with fear before. it's exhausting to go grocery shopping. everything i make tastes bad, suddenly i'm the worlds worst cook. not even our home grown herbs we dried and brought with us can rectify this travesty.

i want to make art but i'm stopped, gagged by thoughts of where to put it? what to do with it? what am i doing? i keep throwing more out. i'm tired of looking at stuff. i can't imagine packing all this up all over again in 6 months if we move on. i have no idea what i'm doing. NONE. maybe i'm just never happy and it wouldn't matter what i did, where i went. i thought i would have a community of people here and so far, unless i think i can bond with 20 something year old males, i'm screwed.

4 comments:

BlueJude said...

Miss ya STA so gonna add ya to my new blog libks! Happy Happy wednesday...at least I'm tryin'!

Ellen said...

Keep your sense of humour girl. The best remedy of all. Works for me when I feel out of my element. oh, and of course, BE EASY ON YOURSELF. You still need time to adapt and settle. And remember, we may not be *there*, but we're all here for you.

self taught artist said...

believe me i am ellen! just tired...frustrated...tired...

jeanamarie said...

i feel for you ... moving is so stressful. we grieve for all those familiar points of references, routines, familiar people - we really do. am wishing i could send you a sofa...

i have read from your links about the work you are doing there, it sounds really exciting, such a great opportunity, but also lots of hard work ... will be hoping you can find some community soon - i know it takes time, some places more time than others. But it can happen!

Hope the day has gotten better for you as you went along