the downside to having awareness about self is seeing how it is you are making it harder for yourself and still not willing to change. hoping for another 'out'. hoping something outside of you changes so you dont have to.
thats what i'm getting with this bone furniture thing. i have about a week and some days left to make at least one table to go on with some of the other bone furniture that dan and another wood artist are making to show/sell. if i can come up with something i too will be able to show/sell it.
this brings me back to how commissions were always more challenging than i liked. brings me back to how i like doing things my way and get completely a jaggle when i'm given rules or limitations. i mean it would be easy to just put a slab of board on some legs and with some bones here and there and call it a day...it would look like crap to me though and that isn't acceptable. for anyone who has seen some of my 'furniture' you know that for one i like to use found objects as the bulk of the actual piece. that and i don't really possess the skills or desires to make traditional looking furniture. so the perimeters are: bones/wood/glue/ and their screws. i asked if i could add paint and i can but i get the feeling it would be preferable were i to keep the same ascetic as what is being done.
after spending paralyzing time comparing myself to them, imagining what people must think that i need to be all sequestered here for a week just to make something (and yet i've not made anything) while they can churn out work there on the building site with so much chaos and so little space to boot, i question why i need it to be my way. i question a lot about my process but i shouldn't do that. none of this is all that important but i'm holding on as if to dear life that i make some amazing table that the world has never seen. and that my friend isn't going to happen. and i know it. and yet i can't stand the thought of making a table that you would look at and think, well shit i could do that.
as for how i know i'm not willing to change, at least it isn't coming naturally, is going there to the site and getting in there and stopping people and asking for help. i'm a little shut down right now. i feel thick headed, un-alive and very lethargic. i used to wake up and feel enervated and now i can't wait for night time so i can go back to bed. i dont like pulling my tools outside and working in our parking space in front of the world. i have been working on just observing all these 'dont likes' and letting them fly across my third eye like laundry on a clothesline flinging wildly in the wind. knowing that this is just the way it is right now and i can either be miserable or deal.
and the prison horn sounds off....it always stops me and reminds me that i am free and uncounted.