where do i belong

this picture was taken outside of my days inn motel (which was vile by the way), i believe it was in TN. i realized once i hit south that i was more of an outsider than even in vermont. little things, like people taking double looks at you when you open your mouth to speak....or me asking over and over at each stop if they sold heavy cream and being given the most questionable of looks. milk? you mean milk?

little things give you comfort when you are out of your element. i've not found comfort. i can't say i have ever even felt like this. i dont feel. i dont feel scared, i dont feel sick, i dont feel excited. i feel numb. i have a headache from the heat, standing out in it, driving in it. looking for a place to live in a relatively good sized college city and there are NO homes for rent. a few trailers. town houses. apartments. the only two homes for rent right now are both 7-10 miles away, which kind of bums me out because i've lived away from it all and i wanted to be near things. i'm not complaining really....just feeling like wow, i had no idea you couldn't find a place to rent here. wow. i have no idea what i'm doing right now. wow. i have no idea what kind of art i can make in a home that has carpet everywhere. wow. no basements. no. wtf am i doing? wow. wow. wow.

wow. we were driving around looking for the library and saw a house for rent and a guy sitting on the porch. we asked him if he owned the house, no. it is still for rent? yep. he was working on it. we went inside and it looked cool and NO carpet. but no real storage space outside, and the biggest problem, no where to use my tools. this house was still in disarray and he said they just needed to fix a few things. the floors, the walls, all kinds of things. it was just him and some guy talking on the phone. no one looked worried, busy, intense. very mellow. i said oh it must be at least a few more weeks before this is rentable and he said no, a few days they would be done. said the owner owned many places and their office was just down the street. we'd gone through 2 real estate people already today but thought what the heck. drove there and like something out of a twilight zone, a really beautiful older woman was just sitting there at the desk as if waiting for us. and she knew who we were when we mentioned we had come from vermont, she instantly responded 'dan phillips'. FREAKY. i mean there are about 36,000 people here. she confirmed what the other real estate agents told us, there are NO homes for rent right now. all the college kids gobbled them up. there is a home shortage here. she looked, for lack of better word, both amused and understanding. she too was from elsewhere, and spoke about how it takes some getting used to. she explained to us how to use the word 'fixin'. fixin to do something means you may or may not do it but you plan on it.

we talked a bit and realized we needed to get going. fixin to find ourselves a place to live. i asked about the library, since it was established that this wasn't the sort of town to get certain needs met my last hope was the library. she said oh ask for richard, tell him you are here and he will fix you up. we go to the library and there he was. we talked to him for awhile and he ended up showing us his sons art website on his work computer. quite a nice chap, just like everyone else we've met. we dont feel like we belong here yet, obviously, but this is what we've chosen to do. i guess we have to take the house that is out of town. i can't stand thinking about it. carpet. why do people have CARPET? oh well, it will make it softer when i'm sleeping on the floor.

i think i feel shocked and stunned and like i lept, i've fallen thousands of feet and didn't die but am not quite the same. does that make sense? we need to get plugged in, and things will take their due course. i just know for someone who loves to walk and get around without a car, i can't imagine enjoying having to drive constantly. its all highway so there is no where to go. it rains a shit load.....tod thought about getting a scooter but all these big fast texan trucks would smash him like a little bug.

there are no good wills or salvation army's. i do wonder where i will get things....art materials and life things. craiglist is non existent. i know this is temporary...but out money WILL run out in about 10 months and if no more income comes in i guess i go live with the coyotes. i did joke with tod, we could leave....we could just put my car back on the dolly and drive to portland. a last minute test. he didn't bite.

it's probably gonna be rough, and i knew it would be but we had to leave eventually and at least we had some money and it's always best to leave by will and not force. i feel no creativity. no enthusiasm right now, not even sure what i'm doing quite honestly. but it will unfold. or not. it's only life.


andrea pratt said...

Just pretend it's a foreign country and you won't expect it to be familiar! You already know it's not permanent. Like the year we spent in a small industrial town in Greece ~ you'll find your niche.

sarala said...

Give it time and maybe it will all become more clear. You are already connecting with a few people and it will be an adventure that will enlarge your art and soul, too.
Good luck to you!

Kim Hambric said...

You ARE in a foreign country. Be nice to the natives and they will be nice in return. And yes, I'm sure they knew all about you before you got there. They do that sort of thing down south. I guess it must happen in Texas too. Perhaps people down there will take a liking to folks who need a little bit of help getting started.

Take a few deep breaths. Find someone down there who can tell a few good jokes.

Daphne Enns said...

Sometimes feeling nothing means that you are overwhelmed and your mind shuts down.

It sounds like there a chain of people already passing you from one open hand to another with information even though it hasn't helped you find a home yet.

Maybe people put all their used stuff in the dump.Small places often do.