d day

i've lived here in vermont exactly five years and it hasn't ever snowed until a few days to thanksgiving. guess what i woke up to? granted its just a ground covering...just enough to be mischievous as i think about our now foiled plans to drive the truck round back to our basement french doors and move things without having to walk up stairs. shit. its a wintry day...all gray and misty with a slight sleety slush. more tonight. just let us get out of here without making a muddy mess of boxes/home and lawn!

down to the wire with tod's van selling. there is hope and worse comes to worse maybe he can leave it with his now 'ex' boss. the caretaker down the road is lined up to help us move AND take over minimal duties here, so if the float tank doesn't magically float away another good chance it can stay here and hide out for awhile longer.

last night was the first up for hours in the wee hours pushing back imagined worries. i always worry about my own mind. after having the severe panic attacks that i've had, no matter that i haven't had a stupendous one in a few years (meaning vomiting and uncontrollable shaking and crying), i still have that gaping hole filled with memory. my little panic episodes while just as upsetting and dreaded, are like a light switch that once turned on leaves the floodgates open for awhile. i guess that is what i dread. it's there...just a little bit behind my right shoulder, i can feel it. waiting to pounce on me. i guess if it happens it happens. the worst thing about panic is the dread of it (okay, actually being paralyzed with panic is awful but i usually think and worry about it more than i actually have it anymore..but then again i dont normally panic unless i'm out of my comfort zone)

just last night tod was saying that up to this point, this has been where i shine. the doing, the packing and getting things accomplished. once we hit the road and are in new territory and i've lost the line of safety net familiarity, i will be the one with problems. tod had problems with packing what little he had, and obviously trying to sell and get rid of things before the literal last minute. long as we are kind to each other and know our strengths and weaknesses we will do okay. i would not want to be in his shoes...i wouldn't want to be around me when we hit the road. i'm grateful i wont be alone this time. in 2003 when i left arizona to camp and travel on my own (and a year later ended up in vermont), i was constantly panicking. it was hell other than all the great people i met and hiking i got to do. then i was panicking because i didn't know where i was going, who i was....how i would make it.

now. i know who i am and know where i'm going but not how i will make it. and panic makes no sense. you have it and give it reasons but there are none. i'm usually afraid i'm going to lose my mind or say/do things that are just hideous. i get very uncomfortable around other people, its all fucked up mental stuff. but as i continue to grow and trust myself, trust life, trust others, i hope my mental health also continues to evolve and heal. it has already, it's just not always fun or pleasant when you have another layer coming off. its best to just stay in the present and tell myself my little jitters are not the rumblings of something big. chalk it up to excitement and learn to funnel that energy into another emotion or thought. easy to say....i'm working on it.

so. got my mini computer just in case there is anything worth relaying while en route. will have a little camera poised. i'm not much for documenting and snapping pictures for the sake of i was here. but you never know, i'm open to a more congenial paula.


Angela Recada said...

You will be OK. Just breathe and put one foot in front of the other. Take it in small steps. One day at a time. You know you need to leave this place.

And this time you know where you are going, and you have Tod.
(I can't help using these annoying smiley faces. I want you to see me smiling at you. . .)


Tracy said...

Good luck Paula, you will be fine. Go ahead and stress out a little bit but try to relax and have some faith that things will be fine before you get too crazy;)

And this homebody is looking forward to hearing about your adventure, so try to keep us in the loop, k?

Kim Hambric said...

I'm sure you will find something to tell us while you are traveling. We would appreciate any little thing.

Wishing you smooth travels!

WE know you can do this.

Chris said...

Some of my worst experiences at least created interesting stories to tell later. I hope you get to the LATER part quickly. I would love to hear from you on the road if you can manage it. We are all rooting for you!

Mikel O'Brien said...

You know, I can't help but think after following your journey to this point, "What if you had another option?" Would you still go to Texas? Is that's what still making you anxious--your're looking for another option? I am happy for you to experience another chapter of your life, but only as long as this is the chapter you want...

Just a thought, as I know how it is to live another's dream and not be fully on-board with that dream.

self taught artist said...

so far so good...tod sold the van tonight!!!! we got the truck and hauled my car home and i drove it without losing it or my mind. got an early start on packing the truck with a way hard worker guy we paid to help so its hot bath, book and finish it tomorrow.
i will keep you posted for sure, you guys are my blog family!
ps mikel, the anxiety part has nothing to do with where we are going, in fact i'm calmer knowing that people are there waiting for us and looking forward to enveloping us with good juju. this anxiety thing is too complicated to explain but for now, shitloads of money or not, we would go there and do this. its the right thing for now (bad weather, poverty ta boot)

Chelle said...

Safe travels. Do stay in touch.

deb said...

I am excited to see how it all turns out, of course I get to live vicariously through your risks, I can't even think about riding in a car right now, too painful! But I am really looking forward to traveling along with you.. happy trails, safe journey!