not sure why i feel so mute lately. i know if tod and i were going to portland, oregon we would be looking at all the things to do and places to look at art, walk, ride bikes etc. i'd be searching neighborhoods and getting excited.
now that we are for sure going to huntsville, tx to work as volunteers I'm baffled. i try not to imagine too much because that is when I get a little sick feeling. i know i will be living working in whatever home we find to rent. it has to be a cheap home with no carpet and a place i can somehow set up outdoor prep space for cutting wood and metal. will it be safe? will i bug neighbors? i have a long list of concerns.
every time we sit down on a sofa or i go to sleep at night i think, wow, soon we wont have sofa's and mattresses. no tables or desks. since we aren't sure it will work out and we might not live there more than 6 months AND need to save money in case we move on, buying stuff, even cheap stuff wont be an option unless desperation seeps in. if we can somehow earn some income...we will be okay. so far they haven't gotten grants and for sure we are going to be working for the pure joy of helping and learning. other than that i dont know what to expect.
my searches on craigslist show that were i a car nut, i would be in hog heaven. i suppose i could start collecting vehicle stuff...nah, too oily and dirty and heavy. guess i wont know until i get there what i'm REALLY doing. all i know is, here it is cold and rainy and already has snowed. there it is hot and humid and rainy. here we are on a mountainous blob of solitudiness land, there we will be on flat swampy areas (?) involved with human beings. i know that for sure my life will never be the same. this feels like the biggest risk taking thing i have ever taken on. i honestly have no idea what to think or feel. i guess its a good thing i dont know what to think. it keeps me in lobotomy mode. hopefully keeps me open and ready. it's unsettling for someone who is a control freak and i catch myself wondering how i got to this moment in my life....and thats when i have to jump up and go clean or pack or else i freak a bit.