not sure why i feel so mute lately. i know if tod and i were going to portland, oregon we would be looking at all the things to do and places to look at art, walk, ride bikes etc. i'd be searching neighborhoods and getting excited.

now that we are for sure going to huntsville, tx to work as volunteers I'm baffled. i try not to imagine too much because that is when I get a little sick feeling. i know i will be living working in whatever home we find to rent. it has to be a cheap home with no carpet and a place i can somehow set up outdoor prep space for cutting wood and metal. will it be safe? will i bug neighbors? i have a long list of concerns.

every time we sit down on a sofa or i go to sleep at night i think, wow, soon we wont have sofa's and mattresses. no tables or desks. since we aren't sure it will work out and we might not live there more than 6 months AND need to save money in case we move on, buying stuff, even cheap stuff wont be an option unless desperation seeps in. if we can somehow earn some income...we will be okay. so far they haven't gotten grants and for sure we are going to be working for the pure joy of helping and learning. other than that i dont know what to expect.

my searches on craigslist show that were i a car nut, i would be in hog heaven. i suppose i could start collecting vehicle stuff...nah, too oily and dirty and heavy. guess i wont know until i get there what i'm REALLY doing. all i know is, here it is cold and rainy and already has snowed. there it is hot and humid and rainy. here we are on a mountainous blob of solitudiness land, there we will be on flat swampy areas (?) involved with human beings. i know that for sure my life will never be the same. this feels like the biggest risk taking thing i have ever taken on. i honestly have no idea what to think or feel. i guess its a good thing i dont know what to think. it keeps me in lobotomy mode. hopefully keeps me open and ready. it's unsettling for someone who is a control freak and i catch myself wondering how i got to this moment in my life....and thats when i have to jump up and go clean or pack or else i freak a bit.


Chris said...


Unfortunately you have just under 2-weeks to mull this over and over and over... Don't do what I do. What I do when faced with an unknown is imagine the worst possible case and walk around with that until the actual event, and then it is 99% all for nothing.

Can't you put a mattress on top of the car? I can do without a lot, but I think sleeping decently would make it possible to endure a lot of other stuff. Just a thought.

self taught artist said...

i'm tempted to do what you do, i have done it and i WIG OUT.
and we dont have mattresses, this house we caretake at was furnished.
i'd rather sleep on a floor than some found skanky mattress...

Tracy said...

Maybe you can invest in an air mattress, they are relatively inexpensive, easy to store and they are super awesome nowadays! I tend to obsess about the future and what will happen. It helps me to think ahead and plan but when I feel out of control with it, I remind myself to back up and just take one step at a time. Distraction is a good way to do that, as you have found;)

Angela Recada said...

Hey Paula,

I'm a worrier and planner, too, so I can relate to your worries. At this point it's probably best to just take it one day at a time until you know more about what's waiting for you in Huntsville. It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity you've got here.
I agree with the other comments, though, that a decent type of mattress is essential, especially with your back problems.

Wishing you well,

Chris said...

Oh, I didn't think about the fact that you don't have a mattress in the first place. Skanky mattress; I hear that. I guess you will figure it out. I think I saw something on the internet once about a person who collected, like, a million plastic bags and made a mattress out of it. Maybe they already know how to do that in huntsville!