yin and yang

the wonderful thing, for the most part, about having tod in my life is that we constantly are in polar opposite mode. a few weeks ago, this whole move thing had me lit up. never mind any of the how's i was charged up and performing near inhuman feats for days on end. up and down stairs tossing moving storing packing. up and down. to the dump. unloading and loading. the female Arnold Schwarzenegger took over my being.

tod was almost incapacitated with a back teetering on outage. my back was killing me too but i'm the one with a ton of art crap. i was getting high off of a sense of purpose. driven by a mad desire to have things in order asap so i can rest a bit before actually packing a truck and driving for a week. he was also more daunted than i was. i was in strong we can do anything mode. now i'm sinking into oh god mode and he is feeling strong and anticipating opportunity.

enter week three. sprinkle in some pms. sprinkle in more delving into reality online and seeing homes for rent, scanning craigslist gigs for dinky little jobs to entertain doing and realizing the quiet we experience here will never be again. realizing i will have to work and it will suck. and i will be sleeping on a floor in my sleeping bag and we wont have anything to furnish our place with but art.

guess who is more energized and feeling excited NOW? uh that would be tod. we will trade these feelings i'm sure many more times. it will be expected i will probably go into panic mode somewhere sometime, be it while traveling there or actually there. tod will get stronger and more excited. i will wonder what i'm doing.

i know i dont want to stay here really, probably not even if we had our own place and could live as we please...it just isn't happening here. i just want the safety and quiet. well, kiss it goodbye. prepare for noise. buying bottled water. being part of society. today i feel like i dont have some key ingredient that will allow me success. maybe i will always be poor and working for min. wage. i will never be making $60 an hour like i used to as a massage therapist. someone asked me recently on facebook if i would make art while on the road or go through withdraw not making art for so long. right now i'm so tired and wired and distracted i have no desire to make art. just want to make it there in one piece and rest. curl up in a little ball and shove earplugs into my head and rest. i'm sure i will be more enthused when i finally start to get involved with something.

so when i'm blah tod shows me reality and growth and when he's blah i probably drive him crazy but i try my best to give him strength and hope too. we do a good job of filling in empty spaces that resides in the others' character. i can't imagine doing this with anyone else.


Kim Hambric said...

You two seem to make a great team.

Oh boy. There's going to be so much back and forth before you actually hit the road. There will probably be some panic on the road. Probably more when you get there.

There are a few people in this world who live absolutely engorged with confidence. I don't think I know any of these people. There are a few people with so many personal issues that they build bombs and kill hundreds of others. The vast majority of people fall in between. Some more to one end than the other, to be sure. You can probably place yourself somewhere in this group. I do think that there is more confidence in you than you see or feel.

All of your readers and customers and wanna-be customers are behind you. We ALL want you to succeed.

self taught artist said...

kim, love your profundities and kind words. maybe i wont panic so much if i know others believe i can make it. right now i'm not so sure!

Mikel O'Brien said...

Sounds as if the reality is setting in. Listen to it and make the necessary adjustments. Intuition and your realizations of what you're up against are not given to you to worry you, but to help you. Adjust, adapt, and change. I could tell you stories of those times when I did NOT listen to my inner voice...and basically it was more difficult than it had to be....LISTEN to your GUT, whether the news is good or bad, and ADJUST accordingly!