so yesterday i went to montpelier to get my work out of the gallery. when he asked me a few questions like when are you leaving/ portland huh?/ have you been checking all the art galleries? and when i heard myself saying out loud that i didn't know when we are leaving (i like not having a date but to others it sounds insane), and portland we think but we could just keep on driving or stop before we get there, and no, i'm not checking galleries...i started focusing on that tiny pit in my stomach that feels like something isn't right.

tod has this sense too. you see, we dont want to just go live in an ugly box and eek out an existence. we have little choice so it seems...as we aren't exactly in financial hog heaven and we have little in the way of skills to fall back on that we can or want to do again. tod doesn't want to go back to coaching people/weight training. he doesn't want to do tech work and probably couldn't as he really hasn't kept up with stuff. he certainly doesn't want to drive a cab again either. and i as you all have heard ad nauseum cannot massage anymore without going into instant pain. and i cannot stand all day and cut vegetables or cook like i did in my 20's.

i am struggling with the black hole. we know there is no going back. we stay here and tod's money will just disappear without us having gotten out and made a go at it. i leave this place and go instantly into debt as i haven't the money to live on. i can't stand that. that makes me feel i've started the game way behind everyone else. but i've always felt that way, seems to bother me more now because life feels harder when you are broke and almost 50.

so to the people online that say isn't this exciting? isn't this wonderful? i say not really. i dread it but i've made the decision to shake up my glass globe and must endure what i've done. get used to what got displaced and figure out what NOW. when i watch tv all i can focus on is what i see in the background. if its a scene in the city, people driving or just being out there, i focus HARD on that. feeling and remembering what it was like to live in so much concrete and how streets are clogged with bodies and metal and how trapped you can feel. i've changed drastically since leaving arizona, camping, traveling on the road and now living 5 years in nature, i can't say i'm looking forward to living in that again. yes it will be nice to have little places to go to, but we aren't consumers and with needing to watch money big time its not like we will be wining and dining. its for the people, the community, the interaction that we do this.

or at least the hope of people, the hope of something happening which hasn't happened and couldn't happen here. which takes me back to that little pit in my stomach like sonar that sends out signals of distress. what are we not seeing? how can we make this work so we CAN live in a place that we can treat like a science project? i think what i want more than anything is a way to live that isn't like the norm. the thing that makes me feel queasy is knowing i will live in someone else's house or apartment and i can't configure my surroundings. i will be stuck with their walls/floors/cabinets etc. its in the living that i want my creativity to have a chance to expound. i want to have people who can help me realize my potential and creativity. i dont want to do it all myself. i dont even know what IT is. i just know i want to orchestrate something. it's so big and i'm so small. its so big i can't get far enough away from it to make out what it is.

i'm probably talking nonsense.

i feel unsettled thinking about moving my art stuff somewhere else and just picking up where i left off. and i feel unsettled thinking about moving my art stuff somewhere else and NOT just picking up where i left off. and i feel unsettled thinking about the seemingly never ending cycle of making art and having to always lug it around when i move. and i feel unsettled because half of me really wants to just leave everything behind while the other half feels it is my only life boat i have. i think i will be making/doing new things so why lug all this? where is the enthusiasm to trudge into new galleries showing work i know i wont make anymore? and my old work i have? looking at it i feel a sense of awe, its an unforgettable chapter of just the beginning of a very thick book. i wish i could blink and sell it all and be free. move and start on the next thing without the strings and strands clinging to me. there are no rules and i could do it. i have no problem letting go of things, nothing has sentimental value to me, not things, not thoughts. not people. not really. but it doesn't make sense to let everything go. but it doesn't feel right to keep it. and the days get marked off and the unknown moving date looms larger.


Tracy said...

I am not really a hugger, but I wish I could give you a hug right now, Paula. So sorry that you are going though all this turmoil right now and I hope that you find your way through it.

Ellen said...

It sounds what you really need is some artists commune but spread out enough, you still can have your space for working and introspection. Wish I knew how to find that for you. Although Winlaw and Nelson, BC have a culture that I have a feeling would really suit you, but it's even more remote than what you're leaving (and it's in Canada).

Going into the great abyss of the unknown is really scary. But you've done it once before from Arizona to Vermont, and this time you're not alone, you have tod and you have us!

Personally, artwise, I would take your tools, artwork and chuck almost everything else, lighten your load, physically and mentally. There will ALWAYS be more discarded gems to find wherever you go. I have a feeling once you're on the road, the panic will subside. Hang in there! (am I sounding like a broken record yet?:)

self taught artist said...

thank you tracy....its not easy to make such big changes, and when i dont follow my heart i'm miserable. the realizations i've had today have helped, doesn't mean it is easy but at least i really know what i DO NOT want. hopefully that is half the battle!

self taught artist said...

thanks ellen...you do not sound like a broken record, you sound like someone who is caring and believes i'm not crazy. means the world to me!