crying wolf

'i'm not going to blog for awhile. blah blah blah'

well, it has been 4 days. thats awhile. for some reason it seems like ages. i guess i like my blog. i like my readers. i dont like how vulnerable i feel sometimes and how idiotic and stubborn and naive and brittle i think i appear but i am what i am.

i dont know what it is about 3 weeks that makes everything suddenly seem dangerously close. while i'm not big into astrology, i did realize that mercury went into retrograde i think sept 9 and thats akin to being on a boat in a storm with nothing tied down. if you aren't prepared watch out.

so i broke my toe. i found out i need $500 in car work done. i realized i probably have a cavity and 6 years worth of plaque that needs attention, not to mention some other issues in this mouth of mine. someone on facebook suggested i trade art (which i tried to do a few years ago and got no response.). at my wits end about $$ i tried again, and while they haven't looked at my art and didn't say either way, they are going to look at me for free this week to assess me, considering i told them i get panicky and can't sit there long i'm impressed they would bother. at least i wont have to pay all that hyperbolic 'new patient' stuff.

while i haven't sold as many clocks as i'd hope in my sale, i have diligently taken new photos of older works and am happier than a clown that i've sold a few prints. sold the rest of my candle holders and hope before the end of the month a few more things go.

having decided to hit the road and stuff everything in a storage unit is proving to be more of a challenge than i really want. for some reason all of this is bringing up all my issues about LIFE. it feels like i'm an astronaut and about to cut the cord and float off into blackness. unknown creepy black holes that will swallow me up. ironically this is harder for me than when i left arizona. at least then i had a mini plan...work at yellowstone, probably go to MN for the winter (which I did) and then head east....make art and live life happily ever after. i had no clue WHAT i'd make but i just assumed i would find whatever it was. and i did.

this time i don't really know what i'm going out there for. i mean, tod and i want to go find people. tutors if you will. get experience. knowledge. but those 3am thoughts invade my sleep and my brain wants to bring up worst case scenarios. this is the first time in my life i dont want to plan and prepare. its more nerve wracking but once you realize you are open to something you also realize you need to just throw yourself out there and let it happen. the thing i dread the most is the thing i need the most. unknown. uncertainty. i know i will get all freaky and panicky. i can feel it nipping at my heels. maybe this will be the final cure. i wish i was as excited as tod is. part of me wants to puss out and go to oregon instead and live in the sheet rock box of a space. safe. safe. safe. and yet part of me knows we have to do this. dont know why, but we do. have to stop looking back at what i had and what i dont want (thanks for that reminder you know who you are) and keep thinking about what i DO want. for once in my life i want to have some dignity. not a lot, just a little. i want to be able to look back and not cringe at how i handle myself. for once in my life....just a little dignity.


Mikel O'Brien said...

Your inner voice is just trying to sort it all out. Mine drives me crazy sometime, but it's trying to protect me and make me adapt for the most favorable outcome. I take what it says "under advisement" but still forge ahead, feeling the fear with every step.

San said...

I second Mikel's comment. It's wise.

Paula, you always seem to come out of these tussles with your doubts energized and with new clarity. Have faith.

San said...

Guess I missed some posts a while back. I was under the impression you were moving to Portland to put down roots. So I went back and caught up a bit.

I've never been a nomad. The couple of times I've made big moves I went to my destination with the intention of putting down roots. I guess no place in particular has called you that strongly. I hope that when you set out on your nomadic adventure that some place just pulls you like a big magnet. And you'll know.

self taught artist said...

well we aren't going to float around like dust mites...we DO want to go to where people are building sustainable housing out of reclaimed materials. trying to find out more details and find a place to camp or stay for just 6 months and move to the next...it keeps changing :)