8/31/09

unravelling

after talking to tod for what seemed like hours last night about how
how to move this stuff of mine
how to get a truck of stuff and my vehicle there
without 2 people driving 2 separate vehicles
and hence not being able to share the drive to let the other person rest
how to fit it all into a 16 ft truck
so we aren't driving what looks like a semi truck (22ft)

i got up in the wee morning
and tiptoed into the basement
and started opening all the taped up boxes
and making new trash piles

and part of me feels sick
and part of me thinks
there is always more

i remember a woman, i call her an aberration,
i met her camping in south dakota
in a closed for winter campsite.
i believe i have written about this before here? or is that
in my memoir i dont remember

this woman was dying
of cancer
and emptied her home and life and bought a little rv
and lived in campsites
she was going to travel until she died

we had a magical night
and her words after hearing my story were this:
trust in the universe
you will always be provided for
everything can come to you for free
you will be taken care of

in a strange way she was so right about a lot
many of my art materials were begotten for free
sweat and toil not counted
i was able to live here as a caretaker for five years
for free

i've gotten my clothes at the dump
for free

inspiration
free

that woman, who let me camp on her plot of campsite for the night
because i was lonely and afraid of the desolation on a cold wintry night
disappeared before i woke up
i call her an aberration
and i've never forgotten her

and now i find i want to let go of as much as i can
and i don't understand why
it makes no sense to me
and it scares me
sickens me
but all that stuff also scares me
and sickens me

there is no going back.
i dont want to do this when i think about
how scary it is
but in my list of stay or go
the stay side is bleak
short
while the go side
is full of good things
save for the one line about being overruled by panic again
and having to climb out of that dreadful mind dungeon all over

gotta go and reinvent myself and allow and trust
its a big damn deal and i'm just now realizing it
if i didn't have this blind sense that it will be alright
regardless of if i dont have my art materials, my props,
my tools, i would freeze up and quit.

11 comments:

Karen said...

oh yes, DO trust in the universe. Everything comes in its time. You know that, I KNOW you know that. What a wonderful special woman you met. she was wise. Brave, Paula, you are being very brave. It is not easy to follow the muse into the unknown. But it will be so amazing.

self taught artist said...

it would be nice if being 'brave' felt as wonderful as it sounds....wouldn't it? i hope you are right. its becoming reality now, i will have to work. i will hear noise. i wont know anything or anyone. will take a miracle to make my life happen it feels but the alternative is this nothingness!

San said...

I believe I do remember you writing about the woman, the fellow traveler, the aberration. Many years ago I picked up and moved my life--what I could fit into one suitcase and one carry-on--across the country. I met a woman in my destination city. "You've probably noticed it already..." she said, "...the Lord smiles on travelers." Your aberration reminds me of my woman.

May the Lord make his face to shine upon you, Traveler.

self taught artist said...

people are amazing sometimes aren't they san? the little things they say can have such a lasting impact. thanks for sharing your aberration :) and thank you for the blessing.

Chelle said...

Change is scary, even when it's something you really want. And just because you don't want to be tied down by stuff doesn't mean that the stuff isn't going to try its best to tie you down.

Good luck with the move.

I was thinking about you while I hung out in Northern Vermont (Westmore) with my cousins this weekend.

self taught artist said...

yeah...stuff sure does busy our lives more than it probably should.
wow northern vt eh? what was going on up there i wonder.

schnoobie said...

Good luck with your new adventure and life once you have landed.
I have been listening to Eckhart Tolle( via Christine Kane via Lisa Call: " The Power of Now" &" A New Earth") while at my job ( which I despise)and it has made a huge difference in my "serenity level".
I highly recommend his work. I believe in your artwork, I think it is amazing. I wish you both safe travels and hope you find your tribe soon after you land.

self taught artist said...

i really appreciate your comment schnoobie. nice to hear from you too. thanks for the recommend...yeah i was all into him about 5 years ago. good to remember to be in the now. and the silence that speaks. sorry you are at the despised job but glad you've found a new serenity level :)
my work appreciates the feedback!

ArtPropelled said...

If you have the tenacity things do have a way of working out. Happy reinventing.

ArtPropelled said...

I'm back. Do you know Rima's blog?
intothehermitage.blogspot.com
If you don't, check it out. Rima and her husband live and create in their wandering house, travelling wherever the will takes them.

self taught artist said...

thanks art propelled...i'm sure something good will come of this and i will reinvent myself.
yes, thanks for the hermitage link (not quite my thing but good to know they are out there). just checked your blog out WOW