8/29/09

love/hate/letting go


the driveway in winter

Curious what life will be like in Oregon. A little concerned about winters there. It wont be that much wetter than here, but it will be in liquid form not snow. Here we probably have more sunny winter days that we have summer! There, not so me thinks. But there tod and I imagine finally having enough stimulation to keep us from drifting in ennui. And we wont be stuck on a mountain all alone. Sounds crazy that I'm finally tired of it here. When people come here they cannot believe how beautiful it is. Now I see only the ugly. I don't see a two million dollar home, I see a beast of burden. Always needing tending too. A poorly built monstrosity that needs a complete overhaul and even then its just not a good design. I hear echos of the noisy intrusive gardener. I see a driveway I never know if I will get up and out of in slushy icy snowy winter. Dangerous curvy roads that make doing anything not worth doing. I see isolation and hardship all around me. I see a little town that is full of 2nd home owners, old wealthy retirees, or soccer moms that have no clue about living within their means.

I will admit, this has been a wonderful place to live these last five years. I have rested. I have made art. I have learned much and stepped into artists shoes. I can't denounce it all. Many of you if you were to see where I am living would think I am bonkers to hate it. Tod hates it. We are dying here. I guess there is no such thing as perfection. Doneness. That is life. I grow a little weary thinking about constant change, but I forget that not ALL change means so much effort.

In a good way bad way we have forever changed. We wont just go back into society and be normal. I gag thinking about filling up my life with stuff. I hope to god I find like minded people who aren't pot smokers. Drinkers. Partiers. Materialistic zombies. Or cultish. Or total vegetarian liberal ralliers. I don't have a clue where I fit in. I care about things but not really. Does that make sense? I believe there is an order to life that is going to happen regardless of if you do this or that. I'm not into green EVERYTHING. Conserve but don't get your booty in a tight squeeze about it. I'm not into a cause. I have no beliefs. Who am I?

*just in case a new reader is reading this, keep in mind i only care take here. were i to have my own place in the boonies i think i would be happier. i can't live my life the way i want to here. while thankful for the opportunity to live rent free in exchange for upkeep i lose privacy and freedom here and have little opportunity to entertain and create a LIFE here. Hence the desire to move on. It doesn't help this truly is a tourist town and it has been impossible to get to know anyone.

10 comments:

Karen Jacobs said...

Like you, I found art 'after the fact' when I was totally engulfed with family responsibilities which included moving every 2-5 years. Looking back, those moves have been like chapters in my book of development as an artist. Each new place offered new and different opportunities which I needed to explore to become who I am as an artist. However, I watched other military wives and families fall apart because they couldn't handle the many changes. I think you realize the need and have the proper attitude... be sure to not let it slip away when things don't turn out exactly as hoped. Until hindsight shows up to explain it all, have faith in yourself, your decisions and your abilities as an artist.

self taught artist said...

part of me wonders how you stood it moving all the time and part of me totally gets it. i love that you look at those times as chapters of development as an artist. I wont forget that! thank you for the encouragement and belief karen. it means much!

Mikel O'Brien said...

Maybe you were meant to be a nomad and move every so many years...for the experiences and the excitement of a new place and all its new possibilities. A personal realization that I had from all my moves (CT-MA-CT-CT-CT-CT-NH) and desire for (hoped) positive change and outcome, "Wherever I went, there I was." In other words, in most cases it wasn't so much the place that made my experience good or bad; rather, it was where my head was at during the time I lived there.

self taught artist said...

you are so right mikel. we aren't trying to get away from ourselves on this one...pretty sure of that! sometimes you just need new stimulus, enzymes if you will. experiences including people and food etc etc. new life. sounds like you know what i mean though :)

Karen said...

Change helps you grow as a person and an artist. Be it a small change or a massive one. I love that your so energized by this. That alone will make it all right. Attitude is a big part of what makes or breaks a spirit. Living in Stowe seems way to isolated for you. especially at this stage in your life. GO GO GO for the best you can get!

self taught artist said...

i hope your are right karen...trying hard to not worry about my art career or the hows of getting space etc. to work again once there. thanks for your enthusiasm :)

Tina Steele Lindsey said...

I wish you both the very best in your new adventure. You know I think you wonderfully talented, but I've always seen your spirit fairly discontent where you are. I think a more progressive environment with more stimuli is right up your artistic alley.
Keep an eye out for the oil light, and have a blast.

self taught artist said...

thank you tina!

sarala said...

Well, Vermont might be a great vacation spot but I don't think I'd want to live there year round. Especially when it was in someone else's space.
Portland winters will be different. They are quite wet and gray but to me it is a lift not to need all the clothes to bundle up in. Based on my Seattle experience, the minute the sun shows through or the drizzle stops people head out and do things. And when the sun does come out, the sky is so clear and everything sparkles.

self taught artist said...

i hope you are right, i hope the damp doesn't make my fingers go white all the time...but hey if i have to move again at least i wont have as many supplies. i'm thinking i wont even get a bed for awhile, sleep on the floor in my sleeping bag and keep things simple.