i had my finger on the delete for twitter but realized its just me being ocd. purge. a material bulimic of sorts. really, there is nothing more satisfying than purging.

in my mind facebook is already gone. blog. everything. in my mind i imagine taking everything to the dump, trip after trip in my little car. being left with as little as possible. no more 400 pound tumor hanging from my body. thats what all this art stuff feels like when i feel stuck. a huge fat tumor that i have to lift up in order to walk around. i have no idea why everything feels like it has come to a complete stop. i've experienced this several times before. a purge helps. but this time the house is full of people and i can't be hauling shit out of here. i still feel bad physically too. that food poisoning thing really knocked me down hard, my little ph balance sticks are jumping up and down from acid to alkaline like a child on a pogo stick.

i keep talking about deleting this and that but i dont. i wont. not yet. when i stop to think about it, this blog and facebook have been little tiny lifelines. sometimes they feel like arteries, coursing with rich blood that feed my soul. it isn't easy for me to stay constant. i notice i have longer and longer periods of normal communications but i always try to sabotage them when i feel conflicted. i'm realizing that it could take a lifetime to learn how to be a normal person. how to have normal relationships. i'm sure i wont ever be normal but i'm at least walking towards that directions now instead of away from it.

there is a sure feeling of time running out that didn't exist before. my bank account balances are almost at nil. i look for jobs. i try to imagine myself doing what little is offered in the want ads...knowing standing for even 4 hours or sitting and being trapped somewhere is going to cause more damage physically and mentally than the spartan check would provide. i get so angry at myself for being obviously so stupid that i cannot see what it is i should do. with my art. with my life. just as i re-invented my life and became and artist i expect that i should be able to invent a way to make it. every time i go down the road often traveled and visit where other artists go i glaze over. i've tried many things and know better than to beat my head against a door that isn't budging. its why i don't keep doing the same little venues and shows. some may judge that, but only i know what i have experienced and know what feels good. right. tod mentioned that donald trumph once told someone 'never loose your momentum'. i feel i lost mine, as i know most of you did as well when all the financial doings went down. there is a feeling of waiting for things to come around and be how they were but i know things have changed and we must change with it.

it helps to know things about yourself. i know for example that i cannot follow a rule. a formula. if you tell me to do something i will do it but not how you tell me to do it. you might think i'm being difficult but there is something that happens in my brain that makes me veer off and do it my way. tell me to write down 15 things and i will manage to somehow do it differently than you ask. maybe its the gene that makes kids cut school like i did. the gene that makes you go against everyone in society and makes life feel so much harder. at least i never became a criminal. i can at least follow enough of the 'rules' in life to be a good citizen to a point.

but what makes a good artist? being submissive? acquiescing? do people have to like me and understand me? how much of me matters when it comes to what i make? i often feel like everyone hates me. i know thats just me hating me. i often feel like everyone thinks i'm a bitch or hard to get along with. in reality i'm usually pretty amiable. i have no idea why people interact with me. i have no idea who i am. i'm paula. a practically middle aged woman with nothing but a desire to earn enough money to take care of myself via my art. a desire to have interaction with people and help others once i can take care of my own ass. i'm paula. a person who has been repairing years of damage to herself during this seemingly long but surely short span of six years that she left her old life and zoomed into the unknown. i don't want a lot. don't need a lot. just trying to find my way like you have or are. a crab coming out of its shell.


Kim Hambric said...

O.K. I don't think I can comment on this whole post. Too much for me right now. I have two little questions for you.

1. You mention normal people. Do you know of any normal people?

2. Do you know of any good artists that are submissive.

I really want to tell you to keep plowing your way through. So I will. Keep plowing your way through.

Daphne Enns said...

Hey P.

I deleted my blog last week. I had been thinking about it for a long time. I hadn't posted since last fall and just fell that I was exposed in a way that I no longer welcomed. At the time that I blogged I needed input and social interaction (and therapy!).

At this point I don't need or want to blog. Do what you need to do. Keep your blog if you want to post occassionally. Or don't.

I hope that you stay on FB because I'm not heading to twitter anytime soon.

And as Kim mentioned- what is normal? I'm fairly certain that normal is a baseline that people hover around from time to time and then float away to something far from normal.

I wouldn't like you if you were normal. How terrible boring. And I agree that you wouldn't be an Artist in the true sense if you bent your will to other people. How could you possibly do something creative if YOU are not creating it. It's a talent and I think that part of it is not adhering to what society's expectations are of you or of what the art culture expects of you either.

self taught artist said...

its a big challenge to let go of those expectations daphne. but i hear you.

kim...i think of submissive as those who do all those 'things' artists are supposed to do even if they don't like it or want to OR succeed at it....and normal to me means you can live and work in society without it putting undue stress on your day to day experiences.

Vilte said...

i am pretty messy about money. i put it in pockets, in drawers, in bags and sometimes forget it. just have a very careless relation with it. and there were times in life when i would run out of money completely and for a minute would feel scared that this time it was it - i was really broke. But then i would always find some cash in some old pair of jeans or a jacket pocket that would save me until life offered me some new opportunities - some job or whatever it was. i am used to living like that til now... and i know that if i run out of money and will not find a dime in any of my pockets - i will take it as a sign from life that something in my life has to be different - me, my lifestyle, my outlook, my wishes, my aims, anything - i will have to find it out... i went into business once when i ran out of money and was too proud to live on my husband's behalf. and on the long run that business path lead me to finding art in my life.
when i was a teenager i was standing in Polish market and selling lady stockings, knowing only how to say the price of it ad thank you in Polish. Why? Because I needed money for my dancing lessons then. And I was buying and selling used pushchairs when my son was born just because I needed to earn money myself while i was trying to find out what i really was. and i am not ashamed to say all these things as all experience in life is for learning. even when it seams it couldn't be worse - it just makes you stronger.
i don't think it's a shame for an artist to take up some job other than art for making a living. Though it's in some way a shame for a society that an artist is put under sch circumstances in life. but as i told you before - it all depends on the attitude. your attitude. (and i hope you know i am not saying, Paula, go take a job, or Paula, under any circumstances, don't take any job. I can not know your life's path, but all i can know that in any way or another it would be worked in the best experience for you just if you want it to be an experience of learning and discovering..)
and why compare yourself to "normal", "not normal", "usual artist", "usual way", etc??? we are all humans with our different paths in life. and you can never live even a shortest second of the life of other man. you have your own path that no other has. if your path has a heart, then it is the right path.
when something is going not the way you want it and you feel like hiting wall with your head, it is usually the time for a break for thinking over everything in your life, in you and outside you...

i am glad to hear you are building longer connections with people. facebook, blogs, twitter, emails, whatever - these are just primitive forms for keeping connections with people for a this time man. the most important thing is that connection itself.

self taught artist said...

well vilte when i read that i say to myself a normal healthy person would do what you did. and i would have too when i was 20 and not panicky and fucked up.
funny to hear you messy about money. i've been fastidious about it for the last decade, and when i dont have it i blame myself for being too stupid to know how to sell art.

Vilte said...

again - normal, not normal, healthy people :) is it really so? don't you think that we are sick to the degree we let us be sick or not normal.. and what is that normal? we are just all different. or we are just all not normal in a way..

self taught artist said...

i do know what you mean vilte...its [normal] just a word i used wishing i were other than i am. or had whatever i felt i was lacking to make my life feel like it was working instead of falling apart.

K said...


Steve Kane said...

I don't know about you but I get angry that I don't want a lot but I don't seem to be able to even get that much. And it pisses me off!

Hello. I've been away too long.

self taught artist said...

you said it perfectly and you've been missed in email and blogland

Philip said...

Every person has a unique soul so we should all just try to work with that. It's no use trying to be someone you are not - it never works.
There is nothing very normal about my life and I am happy with that. I don't want to live in a grey cardboard box like most people just for the sake of conforming (conforming to what?).

self taught artist said...

appreciate your comment philip, and reminder to just work with what we are, who we are.
i do feel like we have to 'live in a cardboard box' just to get nearer to where the life is for now. time to leave this spot of heaven, float down to the grime and crime and let the art life flourish.