it is what it is
I've had a good chunk of time to myself and it all comes to an end today. The house owners come and Tod, who has been on his own vacation also comes back this weekend. Other than dealing with interruptions from the gardener, which I am never prepared for and always agitated by, I've had some good time with me and my art. I've got things in my 'currently working on folder'. I've got new things in my 'furniture' folder. I've got things in my 'clocks' folder. It's been productive on many levels and I cannot tell you how nice it is to just be alone day in and day out and not have to talk to anyone. Yes I miss tod but his absence has just shown me how badly we need to get our lives going so we can live with more space and less interruption. I know if I had my own studio I would soar. It's easy to say if only....but I feel it. It's obvious to me how much different my working schedule is when I'm alone vs. cramped in this small space with tod. I get up early and he gets up late, so we both have hours of time we have to be quiet for the other. Even when I'm alone here I don't have enough space. I've got shit everywhere. I'll have to stuff it all back into the dark dank basement. I hate going in there, it feels like punishment.
Tod doesn't have space either to do the things he wants to do. We think and talk about this all the time lately and it feels like we are banging our heads against a wall. Life is a strange thing. Sometimes it is just not obvious AT ALL what you are supposed to do. Where you are supposed to go. We are both at a complete blank. Do we take what little money he has saved and just go somewhere, anywhere? Do we stay here and keep living rent free as long as we can, living on borrowed time as the threat of selling comes and goes every few months...keep living in a space that allows us to live for free but not freely. And if we move, we couldn't afford a shack....I'd have to find a job and I don't seem to be able to function so hot out there. If I could I would. I'm tired of making myself feel bad for being who I am. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not normal because I cannot tolerate a job that kills my soul or my mind or my body.
And then, I just have to let go of my tail and stop turning in circles that go nowhere. Back to art. It's the only thing I know how to do now. It is the only thing I want to do. I have no clue and the universe isn't exactly plopping anything down in front of us. I would like to think that one day an inkling will come to us. I know there is a time to DO and a time to WAIT. And sometimes you have to just do SOMETHING. It is a complete void out there. The idea of moving to detroit and buying a denuded home and starting from scratch is the only thing that appeals to me, but I am deterred by not having any money to then fix up said house to make it livable. And honestly, all I own is my art and tools and computer....am I going to move somewhere that is guaranteed to be burglarized and have what little I own and cannot replace, taken? And I still like Vermont....but damn it is a hard nut to crack. Maybe I'm the nut and I'm already cracked.