i'm gonna be loopy the next few weeks. i already am. the people [who own this house] are here which means my whole sleep gets off and radically diminished. sleep is something i've learned to covet. when i was little my mom told me that she dreaded waking me to bottle feed me as i was a GROUCH even as a baby.

as a child i was hard to rouse. as a teenager forget about it. the phone could ring next to my head and the alarm going off and i wouldn't hear it. then sleep deprivation started. i started working insane hours, late at night or early in the morning. sprinkle in a good dose of drunk and suddenly i was sleeping during the day a few hours and not much more, unless being passed out counts as REM. as an adult double it. no triple it.

so now. here i am, no real job (taxi driving is usually saturday night these days IF), no reason to get up YET (the gardener will be coming in another month and waking me with her voice and loud car radio and cigarette stench at 6am). ....and i still sleep a shitty sleep, i still wake up 20-50 times a night but sometimes, yes sometimes i feel rested and believe i did the best i'm capable of. so when i start to lose my grip on my frail grasp of semi decent sleep i unravel. tod gets to hear me complain how exhausted i am. he gets the grumpalumpa who suddenly doesn't even talk coherently half the time. i've been up since 4am, after two hours of tossing like a rotating hot dog i give up, give in, get dressed and make coffee to perk me up and further wipe out my adrenals.

art? i'm still working on my selfish puzzle piece. i'm still thinking about when i'm going to go back into the dark thick aired basement and feel touched by lightness and joy. i was telling someone i've outgrown my studio space and would like to rent a studio. he asked how big. this is a sculptor who works in granite that weighs god knows how many tons...his studio is 1200 ft. he didn't believe i would want more than 5 or 600 let alone 1000. he has no idea. none. how much stuff i have and want. how much ground space i need to lay things out. how much room i need for all those cool things i've been collecting. how i would probably sleep there if i could when people are here.

1 comment:

JAXTER said...

Could you have more perfectly described my sleep patterns? Wow, I am so sorry to read that you are afflicted with the waking patterns that make the night interminable! I have slept like this since I was a teenager and only recently, after a friend suggested it, I tried taking benedryl. It worked like a charm and my whole outlook on just about everything changed...most importantly my art.