8/17/08

in a flash

And so 2 hours later I leave the little, tiny. HOT, SUFFOCATING frame shop.
God help me.

The woman is so nice, SO nice. Had me come in today just to show me around and have me play with the glass and matt cutter. I remember doing some of that the little bit I worked during my winter stay in MN. Probably will go in another time this week just to watch and then decide. I've kind of decided I might not be able to deal with the space. While I am not in full blown menopause, I'm finding more and more that I get flashy, one long HOT when I'm nervous and trapped. I felt like passing out. A little fan was on the floor but it's a frame shop, you can't have shit blowing all over everything.

It's times like today I suddenly feel like a total loser again. All my hope and belief goes out the window and suddenly I think I'm just destined to be poor. Or I think might as well drive the cab at least I can cool off when I drive. I'll say this, it makes me want to get back to making art again. Nothing like a dose of the world to make me high tail it back into my basement and work on art. Pulling weeds for $15 an hour. Driving the cab and making maybe that on a good day. Or being in the tiny hot frame shop for $8. That's starting since I don't really know anything. That's fair but when I compare them which is better? Which is worse? I should go back at least and try, just don't want to waste her time when she could be training someone else. Days like today I think I should still be massaging people and making $60 an hour even if I was in debilitating pain. Alright enough. Turn it up and holla at your boy.

9 comments:

Steve Kane said...

Damn. What to do, what to do? I guess you have to weigh up how much you need the money and whether or not you learn to cope with being in a cramped hot little frame shop.

If you really can't stand the thought of it then, well, there's your answer.

I know that after a day in the bland open plan office typing stuff into the computer, trying to meet my daily targets, it is with huge relief that I scuttle back to my little apartment, throw on some tunes and settle on the couch with whatever book I'm reading (currently Anthony Burgess' "Enderby" quartet, handily collected together in a single volume).

But it is good for us creative types to venture out into the world if only to remind ourselves why aren't really suited to being a part of it.

StellaD said...

I feel for you girl! I get red when I'm nervous or around people anyway, but it was horrible when I had the flashes. There were times I really thought I would burst into flames like Johnny Storm (the human torch). Thankfully, I'm no longer having them.

I wish I could just work on my art and stuff too and not have to spend 9 hours of my time everyday padding someone else's pockets. This year has been dry sales-wise for me, but I know I don't try hard enough to get my art out there. So no one else to blame.

You're not a loser, though, 'cuz if you were, you wouldn't keep making art. You would have already given up...quit the whole thing. Your desire to create is much too strong yet. Venture on....

self taught artist said...

I just wish I could find something that I liked and wasn't regimented. I applaud you steve...
thanks for the encouragement stella, sounds like I have more to look forward to...the human torch :(

Mary Buek said...

Oh, girl, don't do anything that makes you feel trapped. . . easy for me to say, I know. But I was trapped for a long long time. But then again, painting furniture makes me feel like a big-time loser. More and more I see employers treating their most valued asset, their employees, like interchangeable cogs of a machine. . . no loyalty, no appreciation, no recognition, all just as important as money, which is also in short supply. I have the "worker" mentality, not the "owner" mentality, I know. I would drive the damned taxi before I would go back to my office job. Pulling weeds, now that may be a different story. I feel like you are on the verge of great success in your art, but I'm not one to advise on how to peddle it.

Mary Buek said...

Oh, girl, don't do anything that makes you feel trapped. . . easy for me to say, I know. But I was trapped for a long long time. But then again, painting furniture makes me feel like a big-time loser. More and more I see employers treating their most valued asset, their employees, like interchangeable cogs of a machine. . . no loyalty, no appreciation, no recognition, all just as important as money, which is also in short supply. I have the "worker" mentality, not the "owner" mentality, I know. I would drive the damned taxi before I would go back to my office job. Pulling weeds, now that may be a different story. I feel like you are on the verge of great success in your art, but I'm not one to advise on how to peddle it.

self taught artist said...

thats how i'm starting to feel, the taxi is more money and less regimented. painting furniture aint no loser thing to do btw. thanks for the encouragement mary.

gigi said...

isn't there any way to get some air blowing in there, at least constantly circling around your feet? it might help.

also if it is to hot in there now i bet it is nice in the winter. not very sympathetic i know but i am just thinking ahead...

you'll figure it out.

San said...

Wow, the shop does sound uncomfortable. I would advise trying it for a while. Maybe a week. To see if it feels less trapped. After that, go with your gut. Then again, you wouldn't want to give your employer the impression you were there for the long term, only to let her down. As if you didn't know that already.

Not that you asked for advice, mind you. I am just sorry that what seemed like an opportunity turned out to disappoint. I want it to be a real opportunity, not a disappointment.

Bob Johnson said...

Pull weeds, I love pulling weeds, and duh, twice the money, It would be kinda cool working around art and stuff, but my way of thinking, if I ain't framing my stuff, it's not for me.