7/19/08

ramble

Tomorrow I will take the piece below to the gallery. I know they will take it. I'm also going to take The Wonder Horse. You don't get to see it for a couple of reasons. 1) it is too big to hang in the hallway and 2) I'm not going to take a picture of it on the floor, standing on a chair (like I do when I'm trying to put it together). I like to think they might take it and I can take a proper picture. If they don't......you might have to wonder about the wonder horse a bit longer.

I'm thinking they wont take it. There are a few technical issues with it that may or may not be issues. I can't tell since I can't hang it up and fuss with it. If they don't take it I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I think I love it but who can tell until its up on the wall? It's the one time I envy painters....most of them (I assume) work with the canvas on the wall. Working on these bigger pieces (in reality is isn't even that big) has been a huge challenge since it is all done from the floor. Perspective is lost.

Surprisingly to myself and to Tod, I'm not flipping out. I have worked my ass off on this piece. I have pushed my tiny brain to a new level of figuring things out. And I'm happy for the learning experience regardless of if the piece doesn't work. I could not have said that even six months ago. Not sure why it's changed. I told Tod it might have something to do with the fact that no one is really out there waiting for me. I submit work, great. I don't no one calls me and asks or wonders, no one is demanding anything of me but me. It feels more like I'm making art purely for the sake of making it. (which doesn't sound right and I'm not sure what I mean) Which is kind of how it all got started. That changed when I first got into shows and galleries in 2006. How that changed I'm not sure but it felt like it did. I had this brief period of feeling like something was starting to happen but then it didn't. The money ran out. I got a job. My momentum seemed to have vanished. Right now it's been more about paying bills and getting my life working better financially and letting the art take a back seat. I had a lot of fear about that, like something would slip away and disappear that I could never get back. Now I know that is bull. Maybe I'm not as prolific right now, maybe I'm not pumping out art like nobodies business. But I'm learning something, and I do believe my work is better even if there is less of it. If you go deep into the cave it's quiet. You don't have to be so distracted. The world is shut out and you can indulge. I went into the cave but had to come out. I'm more distracted. I pulled weeds for 20 hours this week so I can make more money to fix my car. I can't physically handle that every week, but for now it's working out. For now I'm happy I at least got one (maybe two if the wonder horse works) piece of art finished this week ta boot.

Art, being an artist, making art ~ is really a gigantic mirror of your self. How you respond to it says much about where you are at. It isn't just what you create, it is your relationship with IT that is telling. It's not all that different than a person. I'm kinder to my art lately. More patient and willing to let it be and come back to it. It feels good and seems to tell me more about it when I don't push through it like a bulldozer. Sometimes things just come together fast no matter what. They are simple. Simple is good. Sometimes the more complicated, complex things are more of a journey than anything else. That is how I want to look at this Wonder Horse piece. I gave it the best I had. I really did. If I tried to make something that is ahead of my technical skills at least I tried to enter the arena. I'm in...just have to get closer to the bull next time. The funny thing is, if you guys ever get to see this piece you won't think it is a big deal. In my world however it is akin to making a movie. You are the audience and just see the flawless film. I'm behind the scenes and believe me it's messy back there.

I don't know why I'm rambling tonight. I feel like I don't write much anymore. I got on this kick about just keeping it straight on art. No one needs to read my rants about life. Why keep that flame alive? I'd rather people pay more attention to the art than my pitiful jobs or panic attacks or enduring the noise when the house people are here. I'm sure I could keep making all that entertaining and dramatic. Who cares though. Really. Maybe my blog IS boring without all that. Maybe I'm boring. I'd rather just push my art in the slot where I stand. Maybe it's a test. Will people still read my blog when I'm not sounding off like a nut job? So far I still have my faithful readers. That's good enough for me.

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