I have sort of lost my way these last few months. While it is true I'm not working much at all, I am on call for emergencies seven days a week and I manage to get my share of those to do. The staff is small and I'm available for non-human transport, it's just enough to make maybe $100 a week but it is also just enough to keep me more tied to the phone and less free than I wanna be. How can I complain though, it couldn't get much easier honestly. I find more and more I keep thinking this is the reason or that is the reason for my feeling of floundering. Ultimately there are no real reasons, only those I want to give for some sort of self placation.
Normally I keep my work space tip top unless I have real projects in the making. Lately I find I start something only to start another thing somewhere else in there, in that dark windowless ever shrinking basement. I go in there usually every day and piddle around. Ever glad that the clocks are a continual source of purpose and inspiration. Were it not for them I'm not sure what I would do in there. This is where the floundering comes in. And it isn't anything I haven't talked about before, which is probably why I don't write as much on my blog.
I know that if I were passionate about something I would do it. But I can't help but to think that I need a kicker. A push. A reason. It feels like I've lost my passion to make things when I have no idea anymore what I'm going towards. I can only speak for myself, I realize there have been times in my three+ years of art that I made things just to make them. And I made things for a certain show or gallery or person. I don't feel I have a thing/place/person to make art for right now. If no one is interested the energy feels dead. I can't get excited about paying money to enter a show, paying more money to rent all the shit you need to set a booth up, paying more money to transport all your stuff and then sit on your ass for a weekend and watch people mill by stuffing their faces with food. That has never been and probably never will be a thing I enjoy. I almost dread finishing those clocks because when I've made all one hundred of them I can only imagine how anti climatic it will be. Maybe I should take them to a railroad track and line them up and leave them there when I'm done.
Am I not trying hard enough? Of course I'm not. I'm not driving to Boston and going gallery hunting. I'm not driving to NY or anywhere else. I still have snow tires on and nothing to replace them with, still need $1500 in car work done before I can do that. I should be working my ass off driving the cab but my back and my brain feel otherwise. I keep looking for other job possibilities, keep thinking of things and come up empty. My excitement about the Wonder Horse flops when I realize how much it will cost to have more than a few prints made and laminated. I'm going through with a few prints but a bigger series will have to wait until other priorities have been met. That is sort of how every project feels right now and it begins to scatter my intentions towards everything. More excuses????
It helps to bounce this around with Tod and get his perspective. He at least seems objective and seems to think some of the same things I do about art. And that I need a more supportive environment, and people in my life. I know it isn't all just about money. It is somewhat of a vicious circle. Until something happens I flounder. Until I do something nothing will happen. There is a time when you feel compelled to do something and a time when nothing feels right. In those nothing is right times it is best to take little stabs and see if you get a reaction. Sprinkle the thoughts, the energy around and see if anything grows. I'm still waiting. Watching. Feeling. It isn't a fun place to be in but what else can you do when you have no clue what to do?