1/25/08

the metamorphosis

my body is becoming segmented and wiry. i carry great loads on my back that would crush lesser insects. kafka has nothing on me. i believe i am turning into an ant. a large black worker ant that moves about fast and furious. into the taxi i crawl, my many legs vacuuming, checking fluids, opening doors, tossing in ski's and luggage. suddenly i am becoming gregarious and able hold conversation with a van load of strangers.

that's about all I'm doing. driving. i can see i am going to have to totally re-adjust to my life as i know it. if i wait for the time to make art again i probably wont for years so i'm forcing myself to go into the basement when i think i might have a free hour. the phone rings alot and i have to be ready to leave NOW. not good when you are adorned with ear/eye/mouth masks and drilling or cutting something. tod is out of town and i was hoping for time and space but once again more people are staying at the house and there is an obvious gap at work with tod being gone. all i can do is look up at the big ball of chaotic fusion and let it crush me. get it over with and keep moving on. i've never been so happy to make so little in all of my life. i have grocery money now, although little time to go and buy food let alone make it or ingest it. i have become and ant. two newly grown antennae manages to get me to all the unknown destinations that i am told to drive to. i have become subservient and useful in the eyes of society.

7 comments:

paisley said...

"if i wait for the time to make art again"

my comment is that art is not made,, it is created... whereas you may not feel inspired,, or have the time to create physical art,, surely you are being given many an unseen opportunity to create art out of the people the places the conversations...

let us in.. create a world, your world with words.. paint it so that we can see it,, ((and no i am not eluding to the fact that i think you are a painter,, as i know you are not...)) but with words,, you can be... you can paint and sculpt and hone and saw and glue and weld to your hearts content...

its there... let it out...

self taught artist said...

i appreciate the comment paisley but it doesn't really feel like the thing i want to give that much attention or energy to. i dont want to make a mockery out of my job, i could very easily tell entertaining stories about people but it doesn't fulfill me and quite honestly i know i could go into dark places that are better left to the imagination.
i want to keep the channel open to the my art.

KJ said...

Something to think about: youtube.com/watch?v=773Db-h_CE8
And the website: http://www.paducaharts.com/

If I was in your place, with responsibilities to no one but me and my art, I'd be looking for a situation like this. Check the details of their program, it might be a fit.

sarala said...

Well, at least you are working on a compromise between art and making enough money to eat. I hope you come up with the right formula.

self taught artist said...

kj thx for those links
i cannot imagine living there but it is very intriguing i have to admit. relly appreciate you sending that info my way.

San said...

Paula, I found myself smiling despite myself at your insect metaphor. I don't for a minute doubt your disappointment and stress. I just find the metaphor very clever. And truthful. Great writing!

self taught artist said...

thanks san.....i try to retain my humor admist it all. and i had fun writing it.