1/19/08

first coherent post of the year

He looks sad and miserable. That's kind of how I look when I think about money. Why wouldn't they put someone happy on our currency? Why not put a clown or someone sitting at a gambling table pulling in all the chips? Why not have Marilyn Monroe wrapped nude around a friffy boa on red satin holding a stash of cash in her teeth? Everything is so somber and serious when it comes to money in reality.

I've not made art for close to two months. I thought I would give the taxi thing a try. Which, sorry readers to bore you with my spiel, but sometimes new people stop by....which means more than just work. It means working on my panic issues which normally don't come to a head unless I find myself feeling trapped in situations. Needless to say, sitting in a vehicle for any length of time with a complete stranger, sometimes a handful of them at once, doesn't bode well for panic attacks. I've been lucky enough to be able to pick and choose, no one else in their right mind would hire someone like me but I've found a compassionate boss who is happy to have me fill in. I haven't told her all my idiosyncrasies, but she knows through Tod that I'm different. I've raked in less than $300 these 8 weeks. I've been 'on call' many days and as is the case, everything always changes at the last minute. I've little to show for myself. I am not much closer than I was when I started driving the cab to being able to work more and feel less stress. It's exhausting mentally and physically to have to push away surges of adrenaline. To wait around all day and not have any rides to do (meaning that I can handle). There is some progress but I would rather not have to keep doing this.

I've been reading bucket loads of books. Memoirs about people with physical, mental, and life problems that surpass anything I would ever care to experience. I've had the flu. I've learned how to play poker. I've watched tv and contemplated my life and self ad nauseum. I've stayed off the internet for the most part and slowed my life down to a near standstill. Yesterday the gallery I am in sent out their schedule of shows for the year. I've got a week to get some work in for the Feb. show if I want to add to their theme of "The Temperature of Color". I love that title. Not sure if I have time or creative oomph but it's something dangling in front of me. There are half baked ideas sitting in my studio. Still have some Pen and Inks that I had scanned and laminated waiting to be worked on. The gallery is also having a show in May with a theme of 18" x 18" by 1-2" deep works. It sounds like a fabulous idea that if I can't get it together by then I might just disappear into the Amazon.

At the rate I'm going with working for the cab co. I will never make enough money to have new tires by spring. Or the timing belt, water pump and front struts replaced. I also will never move my bowels again. My creative energy is stuffed and blocked. I've heard before that the creative energy is in your lower belly. Try ignoring that for two months and see if you don't feel like you have 20 lbs of river rock resting on your pelvic floor. I'm going to see a healer today. I allow myself to see her once a year. I used to get body work and all kinds of things done to me back in Arizona. Those days are gone....it is a luxury now that I cannot afford. Sometimes you need a push, you need to be around a wise person who also works on your energy and chakras and whatever else invisibly looms. I need to lay on a table and have someone reflect my ruminations back to me in a coherent manner. I need to pick myself up and carry an umbrella to shield myself from the damaging verbal drops that pour upon me. I need to have hope again.

9 comments:

BlueJude said...

Hey STA, glad to hear from you once again. Yes, it is too bad about the whole money thing- serious as you said. And lacking. And yes, I have done any art in ages, which has me walking around thinking, I'm not really an artist at all. I'm really a cleaning lady. At least for now, for extra money, I clean the local bank. BECAUSE you see, I too have panic attacks, and driving neurosis, which leaves my employment opportunities, somewhat limited. Sooo, I can so relate to it all. Let's try and hang in there and try and find SOME hope to hang onto. Good wishes for a better week ahead.

Shelby said...

sending smiles .. hope today is better

self taught artist said...

blue jude
just because you haven't been making art doesn't mean you aren't an artist. you will always be one, even if you never touch paint or other supplies again.
lets hang in there yes....

San said...

Love your ideas for dollar designs! I wish that was something you could take to the bank.

The Temperature of Color--that sounds like something you might get your teeth into, Paula. Bite off a big piece and masticate well.

The sheer energy of this post is I believe a harbinger of hope, babe.

Bob Johnson said...

Hey Paula, the Amazon would be too cool to disappear into to,lol. I like the Temperature of Color title, sounds like a cool thing to get you back into the swing of things.

Social Skills said...

It is possible to learn how to cope with panic attacks with a lot of hard work and perseverance. You can check out http://www.whatcausespanicattacks.com, they have all the information that you will need about panic attacks. It definitely helped me, and I can see an improvement in my condition already.

self taught artist said...

ss
i know it is possible to cope with panic attacks, believe me few stones are unturned in my journey of dealing with the predisposition of panic imbedded in my genes. leaps and bounds and setbacks....

Chelle said...

Glad to see your surfacing again. Sending good thoughts your way.

self taught artist said...

thanks chelle!