God help me I'm think I'm going to try this again. Some of you will recall that this summer I worked one day as a taxi driver. My seemingly poor night vision (age) and panic attacks (stress and hormones) aren't really pluses when it comes to dealing with the public, let alone driving them around to places I don't even know where they are at, but things have changed where Tod works and they need help and I'm making myself sick about money.

I keep saying I'm going to keep living on the credit cards for another year, but when I wake up in the middle of the night sweating and sick about my life I realize I may not be able to ignore this in my daytime hours like I had hoped. I'm trying not to complain about money as this is a choice this art thing (even if it doesn't feel like a choice). All I know is I am miserable when I can't make art. And being busy with anything else usually zaps all creativity. Just getting ready for last nights' show took most of last week and I would go into the studio and not be able to even think let alone create. Hours are spent doing paper work and getting things ready, and I'm still just a peon. I get a bit overwhelmed thinking about all the time and energy it will take when and if I ever get work outside of the state. Up until recently it has been fairly easy, the gallery I am in full time is just down the street, I email them new works and if they are interested I pop down and show them. Couldn't be easier time wise or emotionally. There is nothing else to do, period.

It goes without saying that having other shows where you have more things to take care of suck up lots of time and mental energy. Driving time and hanging time if that is to be done fill up a day if not more. Fitting back into cozy art mode doesn't happen for me just like that. I'm longing to work but there seems to always be too much going on with me forget about the fact that Tod is now working 12 hour days lately and is popping in and out, house care taking duties and problems seem to arise and I'm trying to deal with that with one eyeball looking back at everything in the studio waiting for attention. It is taking everything I've got to tell myself if I persevere I will make it. I try to not live in fantasy land. When people tell me I'm going to 'make it' I listen but don't pin my hopes on someone else's opinion. I can't be foolish but I have to believe enough or else why do all this? I'm hoping I can just pick up a few rides a week, sometimes the taxi place does car pick ups for people (no passengers just two taxi people getting someones car) and that is less stressful. Maybe I can do a few runs here and there and make grocery money. I know if I start working I will not make art so I kind of have to see how far I can stretch my sanity.

So, if anyone comes to Vermont you might want to ask who your driver is :)


Shelby said...

I feel for you - truly I do .. good luck.

JAXTER said...

Working does suck the creative life out of you - but this is all part of the balance of being human I suppose. Worrying on the other hand sucks all of life out of you, in my opinion - I would rather work than worry and I hope this bit of work will be enough to see you through without stressing you out and shortening your creative breath... good luck. And thanks for checking out my site - someday I'll get around to putting in the titles, sizes and mediums..

Bob Johnson said...

Good luck with the taxi job, it may suck some creativity and time from you but at least you will feel you have more control financially over your life, maybe get more sleep and less stress, just stay away from mailboxes, the main thing is you have the talent and you gotta do what you gotta do.

San said...

I knew you were driven.