making art regardless of the outcome

I'm not a superstitious person, but sometimes I do have that obsessive compulsive bent when it comes to thinking. Sometimes I even have that voice that comes from no where and insists on things.

Take these old faded scratchy boards. More goods from last week's scrap scrounge. Last week I got my work back from the show in Burlington and had a two pieces I decided I was going to redo. One of the pictures has this ever so slight pink hue to it that matches this board to a T. I want to line these two boards up side by side, mount them onto something and put the photo on it. I have more plans with switching the colors on the bottom so make a checkerboard effect. Three problems:

1) knowing that the boards aren't 'new' and have scuffy marks that washing hasn't cleared up, the professional voice of reason takes over and says this might not make the cut in a gallery setting. the person who wants to play and do what it wants to do...explore, try a different directions is jumping up and down screaming for me to follow my gut and forget about what sells or will go into the gallery while the starving artist says make a nice piece that will go out in the world and sell

2) I've been working on another 'canvas' to mount the photo on and it looks really nice but it isn't speaking to me, something says wait til I get my other prints back and put something else on that assemblage, I keep ignoring that voice but today the voice started booming. I was ignoring it for the whole week and last night started to mount it to this other assemblage I had going and it just nagged at me. This morning I went for it, I cut my backing pieces and started mounting the photo and as I hit my first nail it screamed. I hit the 2nd nail and the piece moved and then I knew, I am not going to do it. I can't.

3) However, I've yet to figure out how to fashion a mitre thingie that I can then push the wood with for my table saw. It didn't have one when I got it and I had no idea that was how you were to use the saw until last week someone showed me how you use it and informed me my table saw was missing it. In order to make the pink/black piece I need to be table sawing. Plus its already cold in the garage and my fingers turn white and numb easily. I'm not going to be a happy camper this winter. Anyhow, I am impatient. Chomping at the bit to get art made, the flow is getting dammed up.

I feel a relief that I am going to listen to my gut, I've never heard such a resounding NO! STOP!!!!!!! before. I really felt like I was doing something irreparable even though the voice of reason said I could always just have another picture printed and do this another time; that didn't satisfy the art monster one bit. Sometimes I do not feel like I take enough risks or chances when it comes to making art. It isn't always easy to jump off of the line I follow in a body of work, but there is this desire to want to go deeper into things right now and have the courage to make something that scares and excites me. The fear comes from realizing that possibly what I've poured my energies into isn't what I had hoped it would be. Or from wasting resources that took time, money and effort to obtain. That is when I get propelled into the future, a place I need to stop looking towards. I am only fearful and frustrated when I do that. And there is judgement too. I already know that the piece I want to make isn't going to be as good as most of my other works but unless I make it I will always wonder about it(not to mention the voice in the head wont shut up). It's like door number three on the Price is Right. What is behind that? I have to know!

Irony. The moment I let go of forcing myself and allowing that print to go on the pink and black board instead, I put together like that a completely new piece on the abandoned assemblage. Other than the commissioned piece I made last spring, this is my first mixed media assemblage piece that has no photo with it. (not counting the puzzle works). Time to go affix things....


Shelby said...

Go affix.. and report back :)

Nellie's Needles said...

You're fortunate in that you hear this particular inner voice ... and are paying heed. It's a signal that you're connected to the what I think is a universal stream of creativity.

self taught artist said...

I like that. Makes me feel less nutty.

Clare said...

I love how you said you'll always wonder about it if you don't try something that the inner voice urges you to do. That pull, for me, is when creativity really wants to be allowed to express itself, and the outcome is usually surprising and unexpected -- and really cool.