Today is the 2nd interview for the personal assistant job. I have mixed feelings about this. No amount of confidence is going to pay my bills. Even if it did, depending on the day I would go hungry if that were the case. I read my friend's blogs and notice most, not all, but most people have day jobs and they would much rather be doing what they want instead. Finding how to do that seems to be the biggest conundrum of them all.
When I quit working for myself in 2003 I had saved about 38K, the most I ever had in my life. As I drove off into the desert sun with my maps and gear I felt nervous mostly about money. Camping could be free or cheap if done right but winter would be a time of concrete living. Gas, food and bills cost me about 1,000 a month. Money wasn't going to last long if I wasn't careful. The apartment I rented in MN was $650 plus utilities. I ended up working, again, as a massage therapist for five months, just enough to pay bills and save a little for when I left in the spring. That Fall I got another apartment in Waterbury, VT. It too was $650 plus utilities and I found a massage place to work at. I was so tired of hurting from giving deep tissue massage but had no clue how else to make money. No college degree, no tolerance physically or mentally for long hard days or being trapped somewhere with others. I lasted about five months before once again quitting and deciding screw it I'm going to make art and make this last 10k last to the very last drop. Since then I have lived as frugally as possible, I don't regret one minute of how I have had to live because it has enabled me to do what I love.
Fast forward four years and I have a few drops left. Not counting some credit card bills. That I have sold art every month save for last month, considering my limited exposure....I feel pretty good about it. When I approach life day to day and keep in mind that I need to follow my own instincts and ideas about how I'm going to experience my life, it's okay. When I think about needing car stuff done and that I haven't had my teeth cleaned in four years the chunk of change I have isn't going to last. I share this not to sound pathetic or like a charity case, maybe a few months ago that wouldn't be true. Right now I want so badly to be able to keep concentrating fully on my work. I don't mind working seven days a week all day and all night when it is art. I don't mind that my body hurts and I'm exhausted, at least at home I can stop and chill out. But I do mind doing it for someone else. I mind a lot. I have a pretty bad attitude I guess, it amazes me I'm being called for another interview. The whole time I was in the interview I felt like running and screaming. Part panic, part dread. I can't imagine I looked calm and eager, more like scared shitless. I also do not do well at 'pretending'. To pretend that I am excited about working is like pretending you are happy to have an arm cut off.
The job shouldn't be too bad, it's two days a week. Entire days from early morning to early evening when I include the commute to and fro will be eaten up. I want a personal assistant, but yet I'm going to be one. Ugh. I will find out what this person is like and give it a try I guess. Sixty percent of me is tempted to write myself a credit card check instead. Fifteen percent of me lives in fantasy land that I will inherit money or win some. (ugly honesty and probably very unrealistic, especially since I don't buy the lottery and all my friends are poor). Twenty four percent of me thinks I will somehow keep selling enough art to make it. One percent thinks I will just die soon because I get so stressed out. I suppose if I have to make some money this is as good as any way for now.