Lately I seem to spend too much time chasing after ideas. Today was another day that disappeared and I have nothing to show for it but a back ache and a deeper divot in between my eyes. I have to say there are times when the challenge of investigating...experimenting and learning is quite thrilling and gratifying. Interestingly, there are times when I really feel that I cannot stand it.
There are some choices I need to make before I can start moving again with art. I'm needing some things sawed, cut, designed and so far I still get dizzy with the what and how of it all. I have an old skill saw. I have an old jigsaw. I need something more....there are band saws, scroll saws, table saws, miter saws, rotozips...dremels and god knows what else. I currently work out in the garage when I need to cut things. I found two very short 'horses' and I put a found crate lid on it. So for all my fine art ~ fine precision cutting, I am hunched over a poorly designed work space. Poor lighting and barely usable tools. I have to tell you when I look at the work I have made with what I have made it with, I wonder how I did it. That coupled with my completely untaughtedness of it all...that I have fingers and eyeballs is also amazing.
It is very difficult, or at least has been, for me to find just one person out there to help me. I don't see myself signing up for a class and driving miles and miles in the dead of winter (I'm really rather misanthropic you know besides all that) Isn't there a little old man somewhere that has time on his hands? I never learn anything fully. It is how I have gotten through life. Learn the bare minimum and survive. It is not a good habit, I have not been conditioned to think I can completely learn anything. Maybe it's okay though. Maybe you don't need to learn how every dial works long as you get the job done.
So after helping someone with their computer (which completely drained me by the way since again, I know just enough to seem knowledgeable but its more like my head shuts off and goes by feel), I drove all the way to Burlington to go to Home Depot. Standing like a hamster in a cage, wobbling slightly and not moving I stared at tools. Men walked by with an aire of importance and I envied them all for their muscle and skill. Orange passed me.....more orange. Those little Home Depot people know how to avoid people like me. I have to go up and down many isles to grab one. I got the good humored rotund crusty old dude. Quick and to the point, giving me just enough knowledge to make me realize this tool wont work for me, that one wont...this one will but shit it's $200. I want it, and I want it bad but then my brain says you can't afford it right now and where are you going to set up a scroll saw? Wont it take forever to even get good enough at to use it properly? I might have to move if they sell the house....should I be buying more tools?... I tell him thank you, I will just stand here and take it all in now. He leaves. I stand. I take it in. I leave. I go to Walmart just to poke a little more pain into myself and buy a sympathy card, panty liners and gum. (doesn't that kind of sum that place up?) I hate Walmart. They are aesthetically displeasing inside and their wares appear poorly made.
I come home. I chase Tod upstairs. I go into my 'studio'. I bang metal around, throw it into containers just to hear something other than my own mind ranting. I realize out of all of the hardware I have I of course don't have these tiny little 1/4" nails I think I want to use for a project, found them at a yardsale and after looking online for too long I have no clue what these are or where to get them, I bet that guy at Home Depot would laugh at me if he read this. Another defeated attempt at getting back my groove. The storm comes, buckets of rain and wind. I crawl under my homemade afghan and let my battery replenish. I'm going to search for my confidence tomorrow....