Triplets with another on the way

Last night Tod was at work (driving the cab/van job) and called to say he was stopping by with a surprise; he told me to have the basement door open and help him bring it down. Out into the darkness I went, I couldn't see a thing, when I got to the taxi van and he opened the back I saw a monstrosity. He had a trip to Morrisville and saw a FREE sign and noticed this huge radial saw. I love that he stopped and he and some stranger were stuffing that thing into the back of the van. I didn't even know that type of saw existed. It's huge. It's heavy. Frankly it scares the bejesus out of me. I went online and looked it up and saw things like 'finger and arm amputations' can occur with improper use. The word projectile was used as well.

Tod looked at me and laughed, for the rest of the night I was smaller, waxy...slightly pale.

It sits in the garage. My wrists couldn't manage it down the staircase. It's like a doberman pincher butting against the fence...I love dogs but this one could turn on you if you weren't careful.

Then of course, finishing the mini saga of the weekend was the begetting of the saws. A 16" scroll saw and a miter saw. Honestly, I know in time I will need a larger scroll saw. I will want a sliding miter saw, these aren't exactly what I want , no manuals were included ~ I have no clue really how to operate these machines but so what, I'm gonna figure it out. I know I am not in a position to buy new and I am tired of hearing my complaints and excuses for WHY. Why I am not doing this and that. Well guess what Paula, guess what miss self taught artist, you can't make excuses anymore. Nicht mehr.

That is what has been on my mind the last two days. Speaking for myself, I am aware of the excuses. Why I can't make art. No time alone. No privacy. No quiet time. (not enough rather). Not enough money, not enough tools, not enough never enough nunca boca loca whateva.

I didn't start this journey and get where I am already to have a big party of pity. Guess what, it's never going to be perfect. There will always be something lacking or missing. Nothing is ever going to be perfectly lined up, and if it were, honestly I would probably run past it like a blip in the night. I get it. If I had everything I wanted right now I couldn't even handle it. I really couldn't. Just the other day I was telling a friend in an email that change is difficult, even good change. If I suddenly had the things, the life, the whatever I think I want, it would scare me senseless because the steps that it takes to get wherever you want to go are the things that let you adjust to the new height that you are climbing to. Don't take me there suddenly, I will pass out from the severity of the climate change.

It feels like a very pivotal time. I walked through a doorway that I never knew existed....I saw things and experienced things that were challenging and delightful (making and showing/selling art)...and then I realized I was in new territory, like the first time you realize the swimming instructor has let you go and you are treading water all on your own. Suddenly the awareness of sinking or swimming grabs you and the shore looks safer than the sea. But the sea is where it is at. I don't want to turn around and swim back to shore. I want to keep going and see what is out there.

... thursday the fourth saw awaits, the dude that had the free radial saw has a table saw for sale.


Karen said...

OOHHH I am sooo excited for you! Once you get comfortable with all the new tools just think what you can do! As for all the delaying and excuses etc. that is just one way to give the mind time to ferret out the ideas and get em working right. You will do fine. really. ok now just remember to breathe..

KJ said...

"Guess what, it's never going to be perfect. There will always be something lacking or missing." Well, you heard it here first, let me second that notion! Glad you're getting your saws in a row, gotta tell you, you are one brave gal... the whole story, the whole sha-bang! I would not have had it in me to search so hard for the artist within... I think you'll soar once you get it all together. Consider yourself slapped on the back... good naturedly, of course.

Daphne said...

Yay, for new discoveries about yourself!

Do you know anyone nearby who can show you how to use these tools properly- I seem to remember that you learn better by being shown how to do things, like I do...

self taught artist said...

k:thanks for the excitement! remind me of all this newfound strengthy feeling next time I'm below sea level.
kj, the artist within is trying to get out , I'm not going in there are you kidding me? :)
thanks for the slap on the back, that feels pretty darn good coming from you!
d: my thoughts exactly, just a matter of finding the right person, hopefully I can learn a lot of it online.

Clare said...

Hi Self Taught! This radial saw is incredible!! My fingers got a little nervous and tucked themselves into my palm, but I bet when you get used to working with this, you'll end up loving it and making all kinds of things with it. I really like your description of being at "a pivotal time" and how you "walked through a doorway that [you] never knew existed...", and how you want "to keep going and see what is out there." This is awesomely cool!

kate said...

That was an amazing post. We put up roadblocks in our way to keep us from moving forward into the unknown. And so true, if all our roadblocks disappeared, we'd be scared senseless. Adjusting to the climate's change along the way is much better especially because of all you learn while experiencing it.