more words

It's sat. morning. Another fitful night of sleep...too much time staring at my eyelids picturing myself working at the Green Mountain Coffee factory in Waterbury or standing behind a sink in the back of a restaurant doing dishes. While I haven't worked in a factory, I have done dishes. It is back breaking work, and that was way back when I was just 22 yrs old!

There is this screwed up idea that maybe I need to go suffer a little bit. I'm not making art and right now all I do is freak myself out with how bad my ideas are. The difference this time as opposed to the other times seems to be about focus. I have none. I wonder how other artists deal with it. Up until this point almost everything I have made has been a delicious swim through self discovery. I'm not quite sure why it is I have come to this place of nothing.

I'm trying to listen, be still and just be with it. You can't make yourself want to do something.

I think I know what some of my road blocks are but you know sometimes you can just think too damn much and run circles around yourself with whys and how's. To really listen and hear the truth amidst all the chatter in the head is the challenge.

I guess it makes sense I'm stuck. Until I get my camera situation figured out all that seems to be at a halt. I have a few ideas going but I'm constantly getting thwarted when it comes to tools and work space. I just found out people are coming in two weeks and then again in another two weeks. I'm not sure I can stand it. So maybe I should go clean rooms at a hotel and save my money and in 20 years I will have enough to go rent my own art studio. (oops I just got sarcastic and pathetic).

Tod left me alone this weekend (thank you thank you). He said when he comes back sunday there better be something put together. Something onto Something. He doesn't care how bad it is, just make something. Maybe a long rusty nail through my head?

Aside from that...thank you Clare for touching comments and reflection award. Thank you Steve K. for devoting a blog post to my work all on your own accord, that was awesome! Blue Jude and Bob J. also gave me blog awards this week....I have to say that you bloggers are genuinely inspirational people. I find it ironic that I am completely empty as an artist right now and I'm getting feedback from 'out there' that would prove otherwise in reality.


Bob Johnson said...

Lol, rusty nail through your head, thats why I like your blog, you make me laugh and you make cool stuff.

self taught artist said...

I guess it's been done b4 yes? It's called the freak show at your local carnival.
thank god for humor and people who get it.

kate said...

I think maybe you should forget the dishwashing ... not a good idea. You'll just get tired out and not have any energy for doing much beyond wishing you had the time and inclination to do some art.

It's gonna come back - your questioning and wondering is for a reason. You just don't quite know what it is yet. Maybe a big rusty nail through a mannequin's head would look cool... and you'd have something done for when Tod returns.

Sending good thoughts your way!

self taught artist said...

he came back yesterday, I presented a smile and dinner...I did get progress made contacting the welder to work on a sculpture base for me.
can i buy some of the faith you seem to have in this lag of mine being a good thing?
thanks for the thoughts!