I've kind of lost my groove. Getting the house back to normal is a big job and I am just anal retentive enough that until I get what I think is more than my share of the work done I cannot relax to you know what. And I am all to aware that I don't want to just jump back into the same groove I was in last Spring. I had an incident happen then that I don't care to go into, but suffice to say it jolted me enough that the bad taste is still in my mouth.

So rather than be all pouty, distressed or tormented I am trying a different tactic: that being a healthy query to self, to the universe of.... I wonder what is next. Feels almost like starting from scratch. What do I really want to work on and what might I want to be doing with the art once it is made? It has been a life saver having work in the gallery here in Stowe but ultimately I need something more going on and I still haven't found myself being attracted to pushing for out of state galleries or shows. If that is going to happen then the universe is going to have to help me out a bit with a lead or clue. I am not going to bang my head against the wall anymore trying to do the artist marketing things that I don't enjoy or even believe in. I'm not going to keep following the beat of a drummer that makes me cringe and hurts my ears. Not going to waste more energy complaining about what I don't like about the art world if I can help it; just gotta keep paying attention to the places and people that I am attracted to eh?

It is probably more important that I just get back to working on something. It has been about 11 weeks, not long I guess but to me it has felt eternally long. People will probably be back in another eight weeks (ugh, four weeks) & I need to force myself to start working so I am not totally disabled when they come. I can sometimes get art made when people are here if it is already started and I'm not having to worry about going outside to cut metal or summons up new technical skills.

I don't have much history at doing this art thing.... I can't look back and see a pattern of any kind since outside forces collide with my own ebb and flow. I still sometimes hear an eerie howl echoing inside of my head fueled by my inability to understand how the heck I am ever going to get my own place and space and peace and quiet on a continual basis. I try to ssshhh it with kind words and remind the churlish beast that things could be much worse and that we are all usually wanting something we cannot have at any given moment. I do believe that there is something to learn if you choose from all experiences and I have not really wasted time this summer with what I deem to be my artistic suspension. So if I don't post much right now I'm just trying to find my way back, through or over and under. I need a little artist time to flounder and explore. I feel like my blog readers are my best audience and I can't wait to have some new works to show this fall!


Shelby said...

"I need a little artist time to flounder and explore." Completely understandable.. take care.

kate said...

These times of reflection and wonder are often our most creative ones, even if they don't feel like it at the time. It will come - just let yourself go with the flow of your days and not get stuck. Floundering and exploring is good ... it's what keeps us asking questions and examining ourselves.

Clare said...

Hi Self Taught! The not-knowing place is actually a really fertile place to be -- rich with dreams, ideas, seeds, possibilities, unexplored paths, unexpected doorways and windows, and an ancient silence that allows us to hear life call to us. I love what said about your tactic of "being a healthy query to self, to the universe of ... I wonder what is next." This is so beautiful and about being in the present moment -- letting each moment guide you. This is being in tune with life, dancing with it so to speak, or co-creating with it. Keep trusting this. And I hope you have a nice weekend. Stop by my blog to pick up your Blogger Reflection Award! This is for people who inspire and encourage our blogging. I'm awarding it to you because you inspire me greatly with your creativity, vision, love of nature, your incredible writing, your absolutely beautiful art and photography, and your passionate exploration of life!