7/15/07

surrender

This is my 3rd summer here at this house. My 3rd year making art. The first summer was extremely trying for me, I was in a relationship with my roommate, I was just coming into my own with understanding my camera/getting the prints to match what I saw on my computer and what the camera store was printing; I was just beginning to collect scrap even though I had no idea for what I would do with it; and I was living in a house that for the summer was filled with people.

Things with my roommate, then boyfriend, weren't really working out so great; it was really noisy here and I had begun staying up all night working on art and then trying to sleep in the day in between quiet spots. (this was before I started needing power tools) I was looking for other alternatives and found a place via the web in Alabama that was an artists retreat of sorts. I had signed up to do two big art events in the late summer and decided to go through with them and then drive down there to meet the woman in Alabama and see about moving down there. Then my art kind of took off, things got ironed out with my relationship and I realized that up and leaving would set me back too much.

Last summer I was a bit more used to all the commotion here, my 'boyfriend' and I became best of friends instead of lovers and I was in a gallery and bogged down with a basement filled with art and scrap supplies. He wasn't working at the time and took lots of trips in his van and gave me space to work. This summer he is working, the house has been occupied on a more frequent basis and I don't have the space that it takes me to get into that creative place. So I am surrendering. While my head tells me this is it, I won't ever get the time and space I need, that my creativity is drying up....my higher self tells me it will be okay. I have to just relax. So I don't make so much art right now, so what. I imagine if I had money to go on trips and get away I wouldn't mind so much but I don't. And I feel like I am wasting time, wasting life, waiting. I know me enough, I know my process enough to know that it is just too frustrating to try to work when I am constricted. All I can do is surrender. Go hiking, read some books and keep my eyes open to other possibilities. I always look in the want ads for jobs and miraculously sell just enough art to make ends meet. I keep thinking of creative possibilities for how to earn money that wont tax my body or seemingly delicate nervous system (meaning not being trapped in a job that induces panic attacks). And I just try to be thankful for what I have accomplished thus far. So I probably wont be posting much about art right now cause nothing much is going on. Just waiting. Surrendering.

5 comments:

Daphne said...

Okay, well I emailed you this morning about your lack of work time/space this morning, but I'll reiterate it here that now might be the time to do the dry stuff that you need on hand like c.v., artists statement and bio and begin researching galleries everywhere and anywhere in the world. It sounds like a drag but it really would result in a positive move for your career.

Shelby said...

well your writing is beautiful even in the surrender.

Princess Banter said...

We are all artists, and as an artist, your creativity will never dry up... it's just waiting for you to come for it. I admire how you managed to convert your relationship into a healthy friendship. What is your secret? Surely, half the women around the world would love to know...

self taught artist said...

daphne, I do have all that on my website (see the sidebar). Up to date the minute it happens :)
shelby, thanks!
princess b, I'll look for a way to post that in a comment on one of your posts :)

Tori said...

Wow, I could not share a space like that...I even had a single dorm room in college...IT's a good thing I really love Mr. Tori :)