Yesterday everyone left for a few weeks before they all come back to stay here for the summer. A reprieve. A mad dash on my part to do as much, make as much, be outdoors as much as I can before the house is once again inundated with noise and chaos.
I feel like I have been hit by a bus. I always push to get as much cleared & cleaned up as possible to get the energy back to where it was before so many humans were here. I also stopped by and visited with an artist yesterday. After two hours I was, as usual, completely drained. While it was a fantastic exchange, I found that standing there and looking eye to eye with someone for that long just zaps me. Then the anxiety of a stupid job sets in. I think that is why I did so well as a massage therapist for so long, I didn't have to look at people and most of the time they fell asleep and I didn't have to burn extra resources trying to stay present. I have always gotten completely drained when I talk to people. It's just too intense for me. I focus on their eyes, which eye to look at, I feel their energy and my energy and it's unsettling.
What jarred me was hearing another artist talk about anger at not having time to make art. I mean ANGER. The way I feel when I don't have time and space to work. It was a relief to witness another artist baring their soul about the frustration of it all. She hasn't made art in almost a year, instead she has toiled over a business that while somewhat artistic in and of itself, isn't allowing her the time and space to create her own art. It broke my heart and it freaked me out just enough to not want to take that cab job (if) I get offered it. I seem to live in yearly increments. Next winter if it all just sucks, then I'll climb the mountain in the dead of winter and just freeze. (I said that this winter but then sold a bunch of art) Its my way of dealing with the absurdity of existing with no money or working like a zombie to make just enough to get by.