my biggest challenge

I spent most of the weekend watching as many home selling/home repair/home redecorating shows as I possibly could. I do not know why, but I needed the escape from my own art for a little while. I'd run into my studio and mess with something and dart out just as quickly, totally unsure of what I felt like starting or how to start it. I didn't enjoy watching these shows, but I felt compelled to see them. What I got from it was an overwhelming disgust for this incessant need to buy and rearrange and fix and add and fill up our time/space/lives with 'doing'. I am not a real estate professional but something seems so odd to me that on all of these 'fix and flip' shows they make the home owners buy new things and repaint everything a color that will not ruffle any one's senses. I'm sorry, but if I am so stupid that when I look for a home to buy I can't get past a color, then I should build my own home. It seems such a dreadful waste of resources and time. Layer after layer after layer of paint. You know darn well when whoever buys the house they will paint it a color they like. And if they live there more than 10 years they will paint it again....all to have it painted again when its time to sell.

And all of these 're-dos' that people do, all to have their home look just like everyone else even though they think they are doing something unique....ahhhh!!!!!!! I started focusing on how strange it is to have the same room that everyone else has. We all have this living room and no one uses it. We have the family room. The dining room that usually becomes an office. It felt like I was an alien and watching a bunch of ants marching around. Most homes are pretty ugly. The 20 years I was an in home massage therapist I saw hundreds and hundreds of homes, apartments, condos.... dwellings that all were shrines to some odd obsession.

And for all of my annoyance and frustration I then ask myself what else is there to do in life? I mean people have to do something don't they? What is life really for? I watched the DVD 'ONE the Project' this weekend at a friends house. It was a movie made by 2 guys from Michigan who knew nothing about making movies. (this is my take:) One of them had a dream and in the dream he was told to make a movie about the meaning of life. The movie was a sort of a documentary with people like Deepak Chopra, Robert Thurman (uma's dad), Thich Nhat Hahn, Ram Dass, Riane Eisler, Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev etc...and they were posed various questions about the meaning of life and what happens when you die etc.

Nothing new for anyone who has ever read books like 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle or any spiritual readings of our generation. Usually these sorts of things catapult me to the next level of peace and understanding. It did give me succor to watch, but ultimately it screws with my head because if everything at this moment is perfect, and we make ourselves miserable by thinking about the past and the future....then WHAT IS THERE TO DO? Most people seem to have passion and drive. I am completely dumbfounded by the fervor that people exude at football or baseball games. That people can get so in to something that seems so meaningless. Maybe they are the lucky ones. They just do. They just enjoy and don't think about it.

Then there are the people that probably have thoughts similar to the ones expressed here, and they give up everything and go help the poor or dying. I only get annoyed that people keep reproducing when they can't even take care of themselves. The conflict then is my making art. More STUFF. My roommate tells me that my art has an energy to it and that alone is doing good work. It will go into people's homes and give off its own juju. A small enzyme that can change things. Sometimes I think that sounds good and makes sense and other times I think so what. To what end? No one can be 'saved' because we all die. What is there to save? What are we ultimately trying to DO?

My conundrum. Wanting money, so I can afford to live and not be a muttering homeless person. I want that dwell home in the mountains. I want this and that. But I do not want tons of superfluous crap filling up ever nook and cranny of my environment. And yet, I keep saying, who am I to judge anyone. What else is there to do. What does it matter what someone does...as long as you are alive you have to do something don't you? If you just sit around you will wither away. If you keep busy and do do do you will still die but not wither. As if that is better. Which means, ultimately its all a personal experience. Life means whatever YOU want it to mean. So all those people who run around buying and doing are no worse than I am for not doing that. Silence the judges and move on. If you want to buy a toilet that has a remote control and 'night lights' inside the bowl you go for it.


Joyce said...

struggle with these same thoughts a lot. Feel disturbed about all the STUFF. all the CHANGE THIS, CHANGE THAT, yet I'm a thrift shop fiend and collect piles of old things. Very conflicting.

Michelle said...

Do check out Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev's website for the USA- www.ishayoga.org. I have been studying with him for six years. He has changed my life. I too am an artist. What I hear in your words is someone who is seeking, longing for something bigger than what you've found so far. If you have an opportunity, check out one of his classes- Inner Engineering. It has changed my life completely.