This morning, as the sun woke me up (@$#!%@) around 5 am as usual (in AZ the sun seemed never to be out so frickin early) I lay in bed and observed the thoughts racing around. There was a very direct thought of, you're going to get a job soon and probably wont make art so much. Then another rather matter of fact thought announced that it doesn't matter really if you make art. There was no self pity to it. No drama. A simple innocuous thought with no feeling to it. Then the blogpost title thought: If the dream starts to turn into a nightmare do you wake yourself up?
My roommate recently got a job working for the local yocal taxi company. They drive ford aerostar vans and do alot of Burlington airport runs and take people to and fro resorts/motels and drive quite a few locals to jobs/school and errand running. He started just one day a week and then got 'on call' which can turn into five days a week. I thought I would lose my mind if I did that....only because the airport is never on time and some nights instead of getting home at the 11'ish hour it would be 2 or 3. I hate waiting.
Anyhow, the business has been in the process of switching owners and they already are needing help....enter ME. I have to have some money coming in. I can't do credit card living without giving myself a disease via stress. I don't want to work, I don't look forward to the back pain and jitters of panic moments and I don't look forward to banal small talk with every single person that sits behind my head. I have the bladder the size of a grape and I also don't look forward to dealing with that.
Having said that. I'm going to inquire about it. Looks like I will get a chance to teach a four week workshop for River Arts but that is in Aug. and its only an hour or two a week. It's not about the money obviously.
My fear or thought is more about art. I only have so much time and energy. So far the 2.5 years I have lived in this house and made art I have managed to keep myself completely busy with that process. It astounds even ME that the days just zip by and its all I do. The question is why make more art when you can't sell it here? Why bust my hump and go broke making something that no one sees. Just the other day I heard another example of an artist who was quite good but couldn't make it here. He is now leaving for culinary school. The only artists I have heard of who 'make it' here are the ones who have money to begin with and can afford to get their work elsewhere in the country. Keep in mind, the state's pop. is around 600,000. The median income is not so hot here.
That's besides the point. I have no point. I just have to stay focused on what is in front of me. Namely my commissioned piece. That's it. I'm not going to kill myself trying to make more art for the gallery opening. Suddenly it makes no sense to keep making new art. That's today. It isn't even said with resignation or anything. I really feel like it doesn't matter.