The commissioned piece has become my nemesis. When originally I was asked if I would make something for this persons' husband, I was excited, but then as usual everything got out of hand. It started off on an uneven ground because she wanted it to be an outdoor piece. She was attracted to my rusty stuff, in particular this piece is the one that grabbed her attention. But since it will be an outdoor piece I cannot use photography.
To up the ante, I was told that he loved bicycles and she wanted me to use rusty things AND bicycle stuff. So off I went to the dump, found 2 bikes that were headed for the scrap heap and lugged them home to take them apart. I realized I am not attracted to bike parts. The only piece that grabbed my attention were the spokes. I couldn't get the rear spokes off because I didn't have a special tool to remove the gear things on the wheel. It started to feel like a doomed project, going to the dump every day hoping for a bike to get for free to take apart just for some spokes and bring it back and have to pay to drop it off.
Then my obsessive part took over and I began my ebay search for spokes. I realized there are single gauged spokes...double butted spokes...elliptical spokes...nipples (the cool screw things that attach the end of the spoke to the rim), I could spend weeks searching for the best length and matching nipples, I could hear chaching chaching chaching. I have to keep in mind she has a budget for me, not over $1,500. The gallery gets 40% and I've already spent $120 on stuff. Maybe I should quit while I'm behind.
Meanwhile my first few ideas seemed fun but also way over my head technically. A week was spent trying to work on the piece while having communication via email with the woman about the piece. She had hoped I could do it for her husbands birthday which was a week away...not likely but I had hope too. In between the emails of is this okay and yes/no etc, I realized I can't work this way I told her I tore the piece up and will let you know how its going when it gets going. She was cool with that. This of course didn't stop any of the pressure, because I put more pressure on myself than anyone else possibly could. I upped the ante even more by taking in two pieces to have backs welded to them all to realize what I had planned to do isn't going to work. I made the dreadful mistake of letting her know I had something and not trusting that I could just make something on my own. What fucked my brain up was listening to her and not listening to me. So, she will be hoping I have something this weekend to show her and right now I do not.
I want to abandon this, again. Each time I think about saying I can't do this my alter ego comes out from nowhere and laughs at me. Points downward at me and makes a knowing burble sound of ha, see you aren't an artist. You can't even do this. Go work at the grocery store and stop this nonsense. I try to ignore it. I lay in bed and thoughts come to me of throwing out all my art and just disappearing. I am having a huge battle and its all in my own stupid head.
So today I decide I will try one more time. One more idea.