5/28/07

for every up theres a down

Its been a big month what with the gallery having three shows and me being in one and attending all of them. Its the most social I've been here and I've met some great people. Being asked to do a commission for someone. Going in this week to talk to an arts association about teaching an adult workshop. So I should be thrilled, and have been riding a good wave ~ until today. It hit me, the doubt and the exhaustion. (this happened tonight when I tore apart the commissioned piece I've worked on for days now) Whenever I can't get enough good sleep it all goes to hell in a hand basket. When the house I care take for is occupied I never sleep right and the creativity and spontaneity vanish. I feel like I need to tip toe around and I clench every orifice whenever I go out to the garage to use tools.

So now I feel like I can't make art and I have just a few weeks to try to get some work done for the big annual opening in July. They want work in by mid June. I've never worked so hard in my life for seemingly 'free'. I start doubting I will ever make it and the further I get myself into debt to continue doing what I believe I am supposed to be doing, the higher the stakes.

Now on any other day, on a day when I've sold a piece to a collector or come up with a new piece that thrills me, I believe with all my heart that I am on the right track and somehow I will make it. I think I have worked hard on my attitude...those times of feeling despair or sorry for myself are getting farther and fewer, but those feelings still like to spring up on me when I am vulnerable. Its then I look around at people who have tons of money and can do whatever they want and I'm the one standing at the grocery store hesitating to buy anything if its over $3. Its then that I get angry at myself and overwhelmed at how seemingly long and impossible the road is to being self sufficient again. I've been not focusing on any of this and just moving onward, but today it all dropped like a bomb into my head and I'm feeling defeat.

So that's a day in my life. I know its not an easy road, I know life isn't easy and doesn't have to work out. And I know other people have it much worse. At least I'm giving it a go and trying to live my dream and follow what I believe is my heart. That damn head just has to get some attention sometimes.

6 comments:

Nellie Bass Durand said...

Hugs

Clare said...

Hi -- it sounds like you've been so busy and have been giving so much of yourself. I bet after some space and time to breath and refuel you will feel better. Your artwork and talent are phenomenal. I believe in you!

dianeweb said...

Hi ~ I am sorry you are having such a tough time. But it makese sense that you are. Remember that you have a community of people here who care about you and that you matter to them.

I hope tomorrow feels like a better day!

~ Diane Clancy
www.dianeclancy.com/blog

Self Taught Artist said...

thanks for your comments you guys. I dont know why it shocks me to read: 'remember that you have a community of people here who care about you and that you metter to them'.
Unless anyone comments I always feel I'm just writing to myself and dont think anyone really reads this much.
blogger myoptic.

Misplaced said...

The days of self doubt suck- Have you pulled out of it yet or are you getting sucked further in? You are an inspiration with your attitude- you seem very conscious of it and trying to stay positive, not always easy to do.

Self Taught Artist said...

I'm not feeling very confident right now misplaced....thanks for your feedback, glad my attitude comes off better to you all than it does to me.