3/29/07

I'm afraid I have more to say

about FEAR.

I also realize that fear is something that is caused by many things. I believe fear can be instilled in you when you are a child. That watching or hearing your parents who have fear based lives can impact you. Fear can be hormonal, genetic, circumstantial etc. or all of the above.

What does this have to do with art? Art so far has been a teacher. I have already done so many things that honestly I don't think I could do again, or would want to do again. I don't want to go live in my tent again and not know where I'm going or where I will live for a season. I don't want to go to New York City for an art show and stay in a little hotel room and have panic attacks all night. I'm not so sure I could stand as many 'all new' experiences like I have had in the last 24 months what with learning about how to technically put together work; how to get into shows; how to do a zillion things that one would never imagine you have to do when you become a serious artist. (or get serious about being an artist I should say). And yet, all that fear has spurred me on. For better or worse. The fear of living a life I feel I cannot tolerate should I have to work at anything other than my art. The fear of not living a life I believe I want. And yet if I were that afraid wouldn't I have figured it out by now? It does make one wonder if you really want it bad enough. Do I? I believe I do....

I have a handful of friends that try to come up with suggestions for how to sell art. I listen and it usually frustrates me but I know I need to be open. I really do not like to put myself in the category of 'I am an artist and artists just don't understand all that business stuff' even though I feel that way. I'm reading a book about Steve Jobs, the computer mogul dude and they talk about how hard it was if not impossible to find an artist for doing animations that also could have the brain for computers. I relate to that. I get through life by guessing most of the time.

Anyhow. None of this is to be victim stuff. I think fear is like a hideous creature that stands in the way of whatever it is you are going towards. If you have the balls or the brains to figure out how to destroy/befriend/zing around or over the foul beast...then you have a chance at getting what you want. Of course there are always going to be more grotesque deadly creatures around the next bend....gee, don't you all wish I would get back to making art and stop blathering on?

8 comments:

BlueJude said...

Blather on babe! Fear is a weird and powerful thing, I agree. Sounds like you've got quite a handle on it tho. But get back to the art now, okay? lol

Misplaced said...

You never know what this line of conversation might inspire. I say blather away- and see where it leads

Self Taught Artist said...

you know misplaced we should play a game of tackle that fear. I envision this board game of the writer and the artist making strategic moves....throw the dice and tell me to submit to MOMA....I throw and say YOU submit to The New Yorker...no You submit to the New Yorker you retort. I think I've lost my mind today.

m.m.crow said...

no, i don't wish you'd stop blabbering on. you're writing is phenemonal. the way you take some serious shit and spin it into these incredible and visual metaphors of survival and prose....
one doesn't have to be an artist to understand where you're coming from. one only has to be human.
thank you.

Daniel Sroka said...

Wish I had something useful to say. But I am here at 1:07am rocking my baby girl, trying to help her learn to sleep, and just thinking about what you wrote. Fear is always there, no? It's a companion to anything meaningful we do with our lives. Guess we just have to make our peace with it.

Self Taught Artist said...

thanks crow...you always encourage me in the right way.
Yeah, I guess fear is a companion. And fear can be excitement if we can just grab it and turn it inside out before it bites our hand!

Anonymous said...

Wow, that's my life almost in a nutshell too! My main difference is I still have some money left. I used to make a living doing graphic design but not here in this godforsaken appalachian level poverty area I live in. I haven't worked in 5 years, IF I could get a job it would also be cleaning hotel rooms or pumping gas but they won't hire a 44 year old college graduate for that. The only thing I can figure out is keep trying... this stuff isn't just going on for one person, it's going on for lots of people. Keep writing!

Self Taught Artist said...

so I wonder anonymous, how you got where you are and what you do with your work?