All too often in life it seems that we always fixate about what we want. Soon as we get it we move on to what we want next. Again and again. Or, the things we want then keep us so busy and distracted that because of them we then seem to need something more/else.
I can only speak for myself since I have met artists who seem almost to prefer keeping their art in their home. They seem to want to hold on to a lot of the art they have made. Not me. I want to make art and set it free like a balloon. I have mentioned b4 that keeping art in the basement all wrapped up in plastic feels like having a bunch of corpses lying around. The energy feels very stuck and it actually gets more difficult to want to keep making art.
The last few months my art has been selling with more regularity. It was Fall of 05 that I created a website and began showing my work in a few shows and a gallery. The occasions I have gotten out and shown my work I have usually sold work, but my ultimate goal was to be able to sell and make a living online via my website. In the last week I have sold four pieces to people. Its really exciting. And that is what is funny, it is scary too. I'm not sure why. I realize that when you get what you ask for and you kind of don't believe it will happen (even though its what you REALLY want)....when it starts to happen there is this energy that swirls inside of me that feels indescribable. It feels good. It feels scary. It feels like I don't know what to do with myself. In the grand scheme of things its not a big deal and people sell their art online all the time. I guess for me there is validation that I really can make it in life. Starting over in my mid 40's with practically nothing has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done; and yet its also the most freeing thing I have ever done. I still have a ways to go before I am making a living, but it finally feels like a real possibility.
When you are used to going through life not really living. Not flourishing, not believing that you are capable of really making anything of yourself, it's a big deal these baby steps. I realize that if the universe gave me everything I asked for at once I would probably pass out. Its easy to say you want all your art to sell, I have to laugh and wonder if someone came here today with a large truck to buy everything I had (since I say I want to sell all my work) could I really handle that?
I'm not going to spend too long dwelling on all this. It interests me because it sharpens my focus. There are many things I feel I need in order to keep creating the various kinds of works I make. Last night in bed I really tried to visualize exactly what sort of studio I would want, the set up and how things would work. I was surprised how difficult it really was to imagine details like that. I wonder why it seems easier sometimes living with things the way you don't want them than moving towards things you DO want. Anyhow, those are my thoughts for the day. I feel good stress. I look at my 'inventory' and see I'm getting low on clocks....and there is an excitement and stress because I want to make more/better/different than before. And I want to make more/better/different puzzle works. And more/better/different mixed media photo works. I have the feeling that I have yet to live and enjoy life the way I'm beginning to think we are meant to. Had I listened to some of the people in my life a few years ago, I would have not done any of this. I would have stayed in my old life, my old self and not grown or changed. You have to let go of that vine as you swing to the next. Its the letting go of the vine and being temporarily suspended with nothing but the force behind you catapulting you to the next vine that is both terrifying and wonderful.