Fear Sucks

So I was thinking about fear today as I drove to Burlington to drop off a piece of art for a small show at the art association there. Thinking about my post last night and Daniel recommending a book for me. Thinking about Misplaced in the Midwest blogger....as well as all the other people out there that are trying to find the space and time and the courage to make big changes in order to changes themselves and their lives.

Misplaced has talked about fear and I can relate. The layers of fear are deep, you can think you are afraid of one thing but if you have the wherewith all to peel back that layer another one reveals itself and you realize all those underlying layers of fear are what created the bubble of fear that seemingly pops out of nowhere at any given time and leaves you paralyzed. Fear takes away your dignity and strength and it takes brut strength to regain your balance and get back on track once it has sliced the floor out from under your feet.

In my post below I realize that yes I have fear about creating and having time and space for all that to happen...but the urgency is not something I talked about. What is behind all of that energy is more layers of fear about my very survival! I realize this can sound dramatic to some people, which is also why it is scary to talk about it to complete strangers. I don't expect everyone to understand what it is like for me. I guess the fear of being able to make it in this world lays heavy on me at times. When I start freaking out about feeling trapped in my living situation which is a blessing and a curse at times, that oozes into my art and stops me. How can I keep making art when I risk having to move at the owners whim? What the hell would I do with all my shit? How did I get to be 45 yrs old and have nothing? I know the answer to that one...it was my choice. No one forced me to quit my massage practice and get rid of everything. But it was my own stupidity and inability to amass more savings that has led me to a strange place of freedom and enslavement. I am free from pain (no more massage giving). But I am trapped right now because I have basically run out of money. The want to create, the priceless time that it takes for me to get into my groove and let things happen with art gets frozen when I panic about money.

Today in Burlington I chatted with someone at the art place and asked her 'who buys art here?'. She did not blink, she did not hesitate. She said ' no one'. I asked about the 2nd home buyers...they are the one's purported to have money in an otherwise near Appalachian poverty level state, and I was told that they buy art in New York. Not Burlington. When I heard that I wasn't shocked, part of me knew that...but when I heard someone confirm it for me I knew I really had to figure something out soon. How do I reach people? I don't have the money or big vehicle to lug all my scrappy mixed media art all over the country. I'm not mailing steel anywhere unless someone is buying it okay?

OH, I hear you people saying just get a job. I hear it. I yell it at my own self....but my other problem is my stupid panic attacks. I don't really want to talk about it too much. I'm not looking for people telling me what to do or how to cure myself of anything, believe me I can get out there and do things but I have to know I can leave like...right now kind of leave....and knowing giving massages isn't an option anymore physically I look around and try to imagine this job or that job and I know I would freak out. The jobs here are all complete crap. I would basically be cleaning a hotel or working at the corner gas station. That's the meat of my fear. I don't know how else to make it. And I need to find a way to sell my art. I know its good. I've had some collectors buy my work, I am not making shit okay? But it could be so much better. That is what kills me. I know it is in me and I hope it comes out before I become my own found object in the dirt.

Hows that for fear?
Ha, Misplaced just left a comment in the post below as I was typing this. Maybe he will have more to say on his blog. There is someone I try to get my pom poms out for too, check him out and see what he is planning!

As far as you other artists..like Blue Jude, I love that you seem to be happy and positive and yet you still can relate. I would look at your work and knowing nothing about you think wow she is happy. She has no art problems. And I know that is naive. That's why I appreciate Daniel's input, I love his blog because he talks about things (much more level headed than I do) that you just don't hear many artists talking about. I respect him as an artist. Same with the quilters Nellie's Needle's and Lisa Call. These are truly amazing artists and people and I feel fortunate to have found them. Maybe artists just need to know they aren't alone and that can help; and then maybe some of us actually can create a force of change. (I include you writers too, like Finding Time for Words and Blogaway....you are all out there trying to incorporate your passion into your world)

So there you have it.
I joined the art association today, rather, I got my name put on the committee list.
I have no idea if I can sit through something with a bunch of strangers and deal with speaking my mind as they probably stare at my flushed face and garbled nervous voice...but I'm going to try. Its only life right?


sarala said...

I totally missed this post.
Just to let you know I'm not secretly thinking "get a job". Making art is a job. Now you just need to figure out the money part.
I admire people such as yourself that are willing to gamble your security to do what makes you happy. Cleaning hotel rooms? I'd do it if I couldn't eat any other way, but there is no shame in dreaming of something a bit more creative. Go for it.

sarala said...

Congratulations, you won a Thinking Blogger Award. Check out this link for what it means.