i sure wish i knew what i was doing. or i wish i knew what i wanted to do. this has been a strange year. okay, a strange life. i should be used to it, i'm not. i keep thinking soon, maybe....if the stars align i might have a passion and a for sureness slap me silly.
i like living in the center of things here, its easy to get my scrap, my recycled shipping materials, my tiny interaction with humanity as i work on my porch/parking lot. i dont like that its noisy and hard to rest here. living in a loft where i can work on art and have all my supplies and tools around is so good but its not good to keep working outside. i likes concrete floors and industrial photo opportunities right outside my door for my etsy shops. i dont likes being victim to the weather when it comes to if i can work on art or not.
this whole possible house building thing seems impossible. and i'm not thrilled with the area where the lots are
available to build on. all it takes of course is me hearing another
noise in my apartment and i think get me the fuck out of here....i want
my own walls. i dont want to know when other people are pissing or
showering. i dont want to hear people grunting and working out below
me. i dont want to hear the damn church noises all week long.
and yet it seems like a good challenge. it doesnt have to be forever. it might be the only thing there is. for now. maybe its all my fear and self doubt trying to keep me from accomplishing more. who knows.
i had a little breakdown today at that house i'm doing mosaic work at. after thinking about it i realize i'm annoyed that i am not a fast thinker and didnt allow or feel i had time to really make this great. but then, i didnt really know what the fuck i was doing. i'm annoyed that sometimes i think my art is so damn simple that its obvious to everyone how stupid i really am. i feel stupid right now. stupid that i couldnt center that thing i put in the middle of my star (see below post) REALLY STUPID that i also used inspection sheets as SCRAP PAPER on the job site. i was mortified at my carelessness. just assuming all that paper was scrap. didnt read it, didnt look at it....glanced at it but thought it unimportant and have used/ripped/tossed it. dan saw i had used it for a 'do not walk on tile' sign and said those are VERY important papers. bless him for not getting pissed today when i walked in like a dog with its tail between her legs showing him the salvaged top half of a piece of inspection paper. he asked did i have the bottom and i just shook my head.
shortly after i cried. cried about the star. cried about the paper. cried about my stupid life.
we could call it hormones and be done with it. but i have to take responsibility for my lack of confidence. dan said that was the one thing stopping paula. if i dont have it by now is there hope? for all i do. for all i have done. how can i still berate and hate myself more often than not. do i blame my upbringing? my genes? well i have and i can and i could but at some point i have to just own up to being a human and forgiving myself and assuming that i sometimes do something right and often i do things wrong.
i beat myself up. i said to dan how can i build a house when i can't even center a fucking thing in this star? i can't follow directions. i'm careless. i'm impatient. i still judge myself too much. i judge that my star is flat and stupid and i'm not really an artist. today i thought about what it would be like to just stop making art and disappear.
here i am. havent left. maybe its just hard and lonely doing this day in and day out alone. no one really interested that much, the few good friends i have are very involved in their lives as they should be. i need to be interested in and love myself and my life enough to do it for me. doesnt matter if i'm always going to be alone. its a strange time. getting older. feeling like art is the only thing i have. mostly the only thing i want but i'd be lying if i didnt wish i had a companion. or a community where i was really plugged in. i think that is why i'm doing the dan thing...i have a place to go and people to be around. i still dont know how or if i can work in the summer. its hot. its humid. i got sick last year from working too hard on my own art outside in the heat. can i really build a house? can i work? i'm still terrified about my life more often than not. you'd think i'd be used to it. i'm not. the gnawing feeling that there is a place or a thing or whatever keeps me interested and going. if i didnt have hope i really would have ended it by now. i have hope. its still hard. but its hard for many. i'm not unique. i'm just fervently searching within. sniffing the air for a sign. hoping something out there and in here will click. for now i'm biding my time. trying to learn something....putting one foot in front of the other and trusting i will see something other than a trail soon.