5/4/12

hard

i sure wish i knew what i was doing.  or i wish i knew what i wanted to do.  this has been a strange year.  okay, a strange life.  i should be used to it, i'm not. i keep thinking soon, maybe....if the stars align i might have a passion and a for sureness slap me silly. 

i like living in the center of things here,  its easy to get my scrap, my recycled shipping materials, my tiny interaction with humanity as i work on my porch/parking lot.  i dont like that its noisy and hard to rest here.  living in a loft where i can work on art and have all my supplies and tools around is so good but its not good to keep working outside.  i likes concrete floors and industrial photo opportunities right outside my door for my etsy shops. i dont likes being victim to the weather when it comes to if i can work on art or not.

this whole possible house building thing seems impossible. and i'm not thrilled with the area where the lots are available to build on.  all it takes of course is me hearing another noise in my apartment and i think get me the fuck out of here....i want my own walls. i dont want to know when other people are pissing or showering.  i dont want to hear people grunting and working out below me.  i dont want to hear the damn church noises all week long.

and yet it seems like a good challenge.  it doesnt have to be forever.  it might be the only thing there is. for now.  maybe its all my fear and self doubt trying to keep me from accomplishing more. who knows.

i had a little breakdown today at that house i'm doing mosaic work at.  after thinking about it i realize i'm annoyed that i am not a fast thinker and didnt allow or feel i had time to really make this great.  but then, i didnt really know what the fuck i was doing.  i'm annoyed that sometimes i think my art is so damn simple that its obvious to everyone how stupid i really am.  i feel stupid right now.  stupid that i couldnt center that thing i put in the middle of my star (see below post)  REALLY STUPID that i also used inspection sheets as SCRAP PAPER on the job site.  i was mortified at my carelessness.  just assuming all that paper was scrap.  didnt read it, didnt look at it....glanced at it but thought it unimportant and have used/ripped/tossed it.  dan saw i had used it for a 'do not walk on tile' sign and said those are VERY important papers.  bless him for not getting pissed today when i walked in like a dog with its tail between her legs showing him the salvaged top half of a piece of inspection paper.  he asked did i have the bottom and i just shook my head.

shortly after i cried.  cried about the star.  cried about the paper.  cried about my stupid life.

we could call it hormones and be done with it.  but i have to take responsibility for my lack of confidence.  dan said that was the one thing stopping paula.  if i dont have it by now is there hope?  for all i do.  for all i have done.  how can i still berate and hate myself more often than not.  do i blame my upbringing? my genes?  well i have and i can and i could but at some point i have to just own up to being a human and forgiving myself and assuming that i sometimes do something right and often i do things wrong.

i beat myself up.  i said to dan how can i build a house when i can't even center a fucking thing in this star?  i can't follow directions.  i'm careless.  i'm impatient.  i still judge myself too much.  i judge that my star is flat and stupid and i'm not really an artist.  today i thought about what it would be like to just stop making art and disappear.

here i am.  havent left.  maybe its just hard and lonely doing this day in and day out alone.  no one really interested that much, the few good friends i have are very involved in their lives as they should be.  i need to be interested in and love myself and my life enough to do it for me.  doesnt matter if i'm always going to be alone.  its a strange time.  getting older.  feeling like art is the only thing i have.  mostly the only thing i want but i'd be lying if i didnt wish i had a companion.  or a community where i was really plugged in.  i think that is why i'm doing the dan thing...i have a place to go and people to be around.  i still dont know how or if i can work in the summer.  its hot.  its humid.  i got sick last year from working too hard on my own art outside in the heat.  can i really build a house?  can i work?  i'm still terrified about my life more often than not.  you'd think i'd be used to it.  i'm not.  the gnawing feeling that there is a place or a thing or whatever keeps me interested and going.  if i didnt have hope i really would have ended it by now.  i have hope.  its still hard. but its hard for many.  i'm not unique.  i'm just fervently searching within.  sniffing the air for a sign.  hoping something out there and in here will click.  for now i'm biding my time.  trying to learn something....putting one foot in front of the other and trusting i will see something other than a trail soon.

11 comments:

Nellie's Needles said...

Paula, I don't know anyone who's more intent on finding their way ... their path ... through life than you. I have confidence that whatever you decide ... whichever trail you take will be right for you.

Sarah said...

Oh Paula. Your frustration makes me just sick for you. I wish I could just fix everything for you. At some point the Inner You is going to come out and when you least expect it, will bitch slap you and say: "Paula, stop it! You've got too much to do to worry about this crap right now. If your work didn't have value, you wouldn't do it. Everything is a learning process in life...that's what life is. So what that the stupid star isn't perfect. You do your best and have done with it. Take a break from the stressful work shit and do something purely for fun for one day. Celebrate YOU for the beautiful spirit you are...take a long bath with hot tea(or whatever relaxes you) and candles...even if your dark side says you don't deserve a celebration...kick the dark side in the balls and do it anyway." Um, yeah, so when Inner You talks, it talks a lot. Love and Light to you. You have value and are appreciated.

paula said...

hey i'm not nearly as miserable as i used to be and at least now i know i am an artist wehreas i dint 10 years ago.
maybe you never find it. it finds you.
who knows.
thanks sarah, appreciate your words. i WISH i had a bathtub! that would solve everything ;) i did leave yesterday and nap and work on my ow stuff. and instead of working all weekend on that mosaic i will take today off and rest.

Viktoria said...

Sometimes it is total ok to blame it on the hormons!..and take a day off!!
Just my experience!
Your tile work is so accurate and perfect, you really can be proud of this.

paula said...

well viktoria, my day off was well spent making paula art ;) thanks for your words....i guess the maker always sees and knows the faults and the rest of you get to blissfully look unawares and enjoy!

jinxxxygirl said...

I think thats just where you stand back and say i MEANT to do that( put the center off kilter) Makes it much more special than just putting it in the exact center. Boy and i thought i was good at beating myself up. Hugs! deb

paula said...

thanks deb...people seem to love that stupid star so who am i to disapprove. off center...just like me. thanks for your comment.

Carla Trujillo said...

Paula,

You are on the right track when you can look back at were you have been and compare it positively with where you are today! That's growth!!!!!!!!!!
Stepping back from the frustrating situation for a short time will help you to refocus. Even the stupid star will not be such a big issue.
With just getting to know you on-line, I am impressed with how well you have handled lifes challenges and how determined you are to move forward. Hang in there and give Paula some TLC!

paula said...

carla, you sweetheart.

ArtPropelled said...

Catching up on posts feels like reading an inspiring book. I know this post is about your lows and uncertainties but really Paula you impress me so much. Your bullet mosaic is AMAZING! The photographs you are taking of your flowers with really cool backgrounds are outstanding! And your writing keeps me glued to the screen. I really hope the house building thing works out for you.

paula said...

oh robyn, why is it i feel more interesting after you leave a comment? yees i like my bullet mosaic too, thank you! and no...not building a house. i couldnt afford the land and didnt really like the options truth be told of where it was even if i could.