i look at my sidebar and think wow its been awhile since i've added good reading blogs (keep in mind i like augusten burroughs type writing...
anyone have any new blogs they are in love with? art /reading...otherwise?
4/27/11
two points
per the post below.
1) someone sent me this in a private email:
I googled "what is the point of art?" got many LONG and philosophical and
psychological writings, boring.
Until:
Paul Klee (artist) said: "I make art so I won't cry."
Enough for me. Enough said. Says it all. A valid endeavor, to not cry. The
world needs lots of people who aren't crying. We should all be not crying, by
whatever means it takes. Religion, art - any means.
that was good.
2) i notice that i get responses (privately and in post below and many other times) that assure me that i'm doing something valid and worthy because i am taking 'junk' and making something out of it. i appreciate that. but this morning it really hit me that we shouldn't HAVE to validate ourselves. that is part of the problem with our society right now that makes (me/ us) sick i think. that we feel so damn guilty for doing anything if we aren't saving the planet. i've been brainwashed to a certain degree. we all have haven't we? i could go buy fresh canvas and gallons of paint as many artists do and i know you guys dont feel guilty about it. or what about all the other forms of art that need 'new stuff' to then make whatever it is you wanna make?
i think i was born into a guilty world. and some of us [me] for whatever reason are just more sensitive and have a harder time filtering out the gunk and knowing how to carry on.
i find myself thinking of some of those third world countries where they sit by the roadside and sell their 'art' be it jewelry or whatever for tourists to buy. they are almost lauded for it and yet i am under the impression in america that for me it is a hobby...something that shouldn't be a way i make a living. that it shouldn't take precedent in my life because i'm not doing it for survival or have any other options. well who says ????
forgive me, i am having a 'self talk' here for me. i am trying to get it through my thick skull...whatever it is. i lay in bed last night with my arms numb and in pain and my back hurting (all of which i am beginning to see is stress more than something wrong with my body)...dreading having to clean on friday and feeling like i have no choice. the anger and the fear of THAT being my life just makes the pain all the more worse. i need to find a way to make making art okay once and for all. even in the 'slow selling time'. even if no one ever bought anything again. something in me knows that until i can be 100% secure in my being an artist i will probably keep myself from really making it.
ps did ya notice, those who have read my blog for a few years....did you notice that i never have all this thinking crap go on when things are humming along? i did. i hate it when i get derailed. mentally jump the track from humming to bumping.
1) someone sent me this in a private email:
I googled "what is the point of art?" got many LONG and philosophical and
psychological writings, boring.
Until:
Paul Klee (artist) said: "I make art so I won't cry."
Enough for me. Enough said. Says it all. A valid endeavor, to not cry. The
world needs lots of people who aren't crying. We should all be not crying, by
whatever means it takes. Religion, art - any means.
that was good.
2) i notice that i get responses (privately and in post below and many other times) that assure me that i'm doing something valid and worthy because i am taking 'junk' and making something out of it. i appreciate that. but this morning it really hit me that we shouldn't HAVE to validate ourselves. that is part of the problem with our society right now that makes (me/ us) sick i think. that we feel so damn guilty for doing anything if we aren't saving the planet. i've been brainwashed to a certain degree. we all have haven't we? i could go buy fresh canvas and gallons of paint as many artists do and i know you guys dont feel guilty about it. or what about all the other forms of art that need 'new stuff' to then make whatever it is you wanna make?
i think i was born into a guilty world. and some of us [me] for whatever reason are just more sensitive and have a harder time filtering out the gunk and knowing how to carry on.
i find myself thinking of some of those third world countries where they sit by the roadside and sell their 'art' be it jewelry or whatever for tourists to buy. they are almost lauded for it and yet i am under the impression in america that for me it is a hobby...something that shouldn't be a way i make a living. that it shouldn't take precedent in my life because i'm not doing it for survival or have any other options. well who says ????
forgive me, i am having a 'self talk' here for me. i am trying to get it through my thick skull...whatever it is. i lay in bed last night with my arms numb and in pain and my back hurting (all of which i am beginning to see is stress more than something wrong with my body)...dreading having to clean on friday and feeling like i have no choice. the anger and the fear of THAT being my life just makes the pain all the more worse. i need to find a way to make making art okay once and for all. even in the 'slow selling time'. even if no one ever bought anything again. something in me knows that until i can be 100% secure in my being an artist i will probably keep myself from really making it.
ps did ya notice, those who have read my blog for a few years....did you notice that i never have all this thinking crap go on when things are humming along? i did. i hate it when i get derailed. mentally jump the track from humming to bumping.
4/26/11
your real expression
i would love it if i got your true feelings about how you deal with making stuff and selling stuff. i ask because i realize one of my own biggest blocks as a human being, is feeling worthy. many of you already know i was a massage therapist for about 20 years and i 'thought' i was being useful. it wasn't until the last few years that i was in so much pain from giving others 'pleasure and healing' that i decided i had to quit. i also started feeling like it wasn't really doing much for people. every week i would see the same people and while they loved the massage and claimed it got them thru the next week or month or whatever, many of them still had pain and problems. stress. life....kept filling them up. so i started feeling my catholic guilt crap of i'm just taking their money. yea i'm fucked up that way and i'm not even a catholic anymore
so. then i find art. and you all know that i have my claim that art is keeping me sane. bottom line for whatever reason it is what i love doing. and when i am actually making art, or THINGS or whatever it is that i do....i am really hitting that sweet spot with being in the now and doing what i feel i'm supposed to be doing.
where i tend to get fucked is when i start thinking about the stuff i'm putting out into the world. yes its recycled for the most part, yes i'm taking 'trash' and making something....but i get stuck with this whole life guilt trip about needing to be 'useful' or 'doing' something for others. i dont want to volunteer...i dont want to save the planet, i want to make art but i keep getting in my own way by feeling guilty that i'm just making stuff that no one needs.
let me say: i am a minimalist. i used to have it all...when i made good money and i loved to shop and find unique things and fill my rented 3 bedroom home with just cool shit and i enjoyed it. and something happened to me one day and i realized i felt trapped by it all and that it was meaningless [to me]. so what i need to do, and i know no one else can come up with the solution but me, but i was hoping that by hearing your thoughts maybe it would sink in a bit more. .....what i need to do is realize somehow that just because i personally hate having stuff around...that others dont. how do i stop feeling like i'm doing something superfluous? that no one needs what i do. that i'm part of the problem...consumerism. STUFF. do you know what i mean? i realize art is IT for me. it really is...but until i can come to some peace about the fact i make things that i must sell in order to live, and that people will be spending money on things that i deem unnecessary and useless...by dint of ME not wanting stuff around blah blah blah. its a circle/cycle that just makes my head spin but it is really what is standing in my way i think of moving on. HELP!!!!!!
so. then i find art. and you all know that i have my claim that art is keeping me sane. bottom line for whatever reason it is what i love doing. and when i am actually making art, or THINGS or whatever it is that i do....i am really hitting that sweet spot with being in the now and doing what i feel i'm supposed to be doing.
where i tend to get fucked is when i start thinking about the stuff i'm putting out into the world. yes its recycled for the most part, yes i'm taking 'trash' and making something....but i get stuck with this whole life guilt trip about needing to be 'useful' or 'doing' something for others. i dont want to volunteer...i dont want to save the planet, i want to make art but i keep getting in my own way by feeling guilty that i'm just making stuff that no one needs.
let me say: i am a minimalist. i used to have it all...when i made good money and i loved to shop and find unique things and fill my rented 3 bedroom home with just cool shit and i enjoyed it. and something happened to me one day and i realized i felt trapped by it all and that it was meaningless [to me]. so what i need to do, and i know no one else can come up with the solution but me, but i was hoping that by hearing your thoughts maybe it would sink in a bit more. .....what i need to do is realize somehow that just because i personally hate having stuff around...that others dont. how do i stop feeling like i'm doing something superfluous? that no one needs what i do. that i'm part of the problem...consumerism. STUFF. do you know what i mean? i realize art is IT for me. it really is...but until i can come to some peace about the fact i make things that i must sell in order to live, and that people will be spending money on things that i deem unnecessary and useless...by dint of ME not wanting stuff around blah blah blah. its a circle/cycle that just makes my head spin but it is really what is standing in my way i think of moving on. HELP!!!!!!
4/25/11
a write up i approve of
staying and fleeing
last week i had a cleaning job to do. i go in...take my wary look around and notice fog cans in the center of every spot of the floors. mmmm that doesnt look good. its a small apartment but feels crowded by all the fogger cans. i creep out, careful to mind i dont take anything alive with me on my body.
call the office. fleas. supposedly all dead from the 5 fog cans all set off 24 hours ago. i'm gonna play it safe and give this a few more days. in fact, i waited 3 days. in the meanwhile back to my life. finding some amounts of miffed humor that all my cleaning jobs have 'bombed' lately (meaning canceled or me not able to do due to no hot water or FLEAS). art sales arent what they were but my whole art mojo has been askew anyways. what have i been doing?
well...i completely reorganized and cleaned the loft. it's my own little space now that tod is gone and i was determined to make it somewhat livable and cozy if one can be cozy amidst hundreds of pounds of wood, metal and cardboard boxes. i've had computer problems all self inflicted from moving the thing from one end of the room to another. i've had my panic come to me in new and horrid ways. i've been reading my mind/body connection book and listening to my panic mp3 download. i'm dealing. i have a sense that it's paula time unlike any other time in my life.
it occurred to me how much i really want to make art. i've been so afraid and so negative...i still dont know what i am doing or how i will manage. i still want to just stay here if i can as i realize i could not possibly live/work in a smaller area without having to give up too much in the way of art/supplies/tools. my personal possessions are few and mostly meaningless things that are functional and replaceable. the art...the objects...very important. how important? that's what i realized...important enough for me to fight for IT if i can't fight for myself. i dont even know what that means, but i do know that when i work on art everything is okay. heart. heart. heart always tells me what i want and need. head always lies. maybe i am crazy...maybe i am in denial. today i just feel like i have to keep trying. keep working on art and taking what little odd cleaning jobs i can get.
i hauled out that new dry cut metal saw yesterday. the one i finally bought in January but never felt i could afford the $120 blade for it, so it sat, unused. i bought that blade in feburary or early march when i had some big sales. i've henceforth been too afraid to use it because i was convinced i would break the carbide teeth and hate myself for wasting so much money. yesterday i realized i needed to face my fears. no tod around anymore to help me or watch me to make sure i'm not destroying it or me. no one to help me figure out the best way to cut the pipes without breaking the blade. just do it. i did it. my god why did i wait so long? it was not so messy as the chop saw. it didn't have that toxic stink. no fine grit getting in my nostrils. only some flying metal which hurt when it stung my legs but overall it was 90% easier and cleaner.
i worked on flowers too. i'm still struggling believing i should be doing this when i should be(?) doing anything i can to find a cheaper smaller place and a job.l then my stranger danger positive voice said look, all you need to do is sell some wall art and you are set for another month. its a big world (to quote tod). BIG WORLD. one of these days someone will see my wall art that i need to get rid of and buy it. and i woke up to a sale of 3 flowers and a vase....and i feel like i will keep pushing and going. keep taking on that anxiety that is now seeping into my mind while i sleep and waking me up often and making my life miserable. i will keep facing it feeling it and dealing with it and stop letting it win.
i even happily drove off to go clean that apartment today.
but i was ever so cautious and first swept the floor to get the toxic whatever and dead whatever out of my way so i dont inhale corpses. imagine my horror when i looked down after i had done that and my legs were covered in black biting bodies.
i fled again. came home and almost stripped on the porch and left all my cleaning supplies and shoes etc out there, jumped into a hot shower...and ready to do my OWN work for the rest of the day. i've had enough of the working world for one day, time to do my own thing. there is a fine line between needing to do nothing and needing to push, slog...crawl...just do that ONE thing that is in front of you. i have been exhausted and i know its stress related/lack of good sleep. sometimes making that push can make all the difference in the world. i still feel like i'm being pushed extra hard by gravity mind you, but it made a huge difference to work on art, and of course it always helps to sell some too!
call the office. fleas. supposedly all dead from the 5 fog cans all set off 24 hours ago. i'm gonna play it safe and give this a few more days. in fact, i waited 3 days. in the meanwhile back to my life. finding some amounts of miffed humor that all my cleaning jobs have 'bombed' lately (meaning canceled or me not able to do due to no hot water or FLEAS). art sales arent what they were but my whole art mojo has been askew anyways. what have i been doing?
well...i completely reorganized and cleaned the loft. it's my own little space now that tod is gone and i was determined to make it somewhat livable and cozy if one can be cozy amidst hundreds of pounds of wood, metal and cardboard boxes. i've had computer problems all self inflicted from moving the thing from one end of the room to another. i've had my panic come to me in new and horrid ways. i've been reading my mind/body connection book and listening to my panic mp3 download. i'm dealing. i have a sense that it's paula time unlike any other time in my life.
it occurred to me how much i really want to make art. i've been so afraid and so negative...i still dont know what i am doing or how i will manage. i still want to just stay here if i can as i realize i could not possibly live/work in a smaller area without having to give up too much in the way of art/supplies/tools. my personal possessions are few and mostly meaningless things that are functional and replaceable. the art...the objects...very important. how important? that's what i realized...important enough for me to fight for IT if i can't fight for myself. i dont even know what that means, but i do know that when i work on art everything is okay. heart. heart. heart always tells me what i want and need. head always lies. maybe i am crazy...maybe i am in denial. today i just feel like i have to keep trying. keep working on art and taking what little odd cleaning jobs i can get.
i hauled out that new dry cut metal saw yesterday. the one i finally bought in January but never felt i could afford the $120 blade for it, so it sat, unused. i bought that blade in feburary or early march when i had some big sales. i've henceforth been too afraid to use it because i was convinced i would break the carbide teeth and hate myself for wasting so much money. yesterday i realized i needed to face my fears. no tod around anymore to help me or watch me to make sure i'm not destroying it or me. no one to help me figure out the best way to cut the pipes without breaking the blade. just do it. i did it. my god why did i wait so long? it was not so messy as the chop saw. it didn't have that toxic stink. no fine grit getting in my nostrils. only some flying metal which hurt when it stung my legs but overall it was 90% easier and cleaner.
i worked on flowers too. i'm still struggling believing i should be doing this when i should be(?) doing anything i can to find a cheaper smaller place and a job.l then my stranger danger positive voice said look, all you need to do is sell some wall art and you are set for another month. its a big world (to quote tod). BIG WORLD. one of these days someone will see my wall art that i need to get rid of and buy it. and i woke up to a sale of 3 flowers and a vase....and i feel like i will keep pushing and going. keep taking on that anxiety that is now seeping into my mind while i sleep and waking me up often and making my life miserable. i will keep facing it feeling it and dealing with it and stop letting it win.
i even happily drove off to go clean that apartment today.
but i was ever so cautious and first swept the floor to get the toxic whatever and dead whatever out of my way so i dont inhale corpses. imagine my horror when i looked down after i had done that and my legs were covered in black biting bodies.
i fled again. came home and almost stripped on the porch and left all my cleaning supplies and shoes etc out there, jumped into a hot shower...and ready to do my OWN work for the rest of the day. i've had enough of the working world for one day, time to do my own thing. there is a fine line between needing to do nothing and needing to push, slog...crawl...just do that ONE thing that is in front of you. i have been exhausted and i know its stress related/lack of good sleep. sometimes making that push can make all the difference in the world. i still feel like i'm being pushed extra hard by gravity mind you, but it made a huge difference to work on art, and of course it always helps to sell some too!
4/24/11
proof of how stupid it is here job wise
not even 1 page of jobs. none of which i am qualified for or could physically or mentally do.
from whickee whickeeee pedia:
As of 2005 the largest employer in Huntsville is the Texas Department of Criminal Justice, with 6,744 employees. The second largest is Sam Houston State University, with 2,458 employees. The third largest employer is the Huntsville Independent School District, with 974 employees. The fourth largest employer, Huntsville Memorial Hospital, has 540 employees. 517 employees work for the fifth largest employer, Wal-Mart.[9]
As of 2007 Huntsville's average income is lower than the State of Texas's average income.
i dont wanna be a prison guard. can't be a teacher at the university....
i'll keep looking. we all know that i panic in wal-marts so i aint working there.
4/23/11
free
isn't so freeing when you labored and obviously still was attached to something....
i really messed myself up giving that piece away.
what a messed up day i had. one of the worst in a long long time.
back to how to sell/get rid of art in a hurry in order to survive, have space (and desire to then make more art of a different ilk ie my small/functional stuff that now sells) and be ready for the inevitable move to a small place.
the only good thing about giving that piece away was how much this woman loves it and would never buy something like that. she lives out of town, as far as i know doesnt have people over...and i doubt anyone will ever see it and think wow i want to buy something too!!!! this was truly a gift that has no ulterior motives or energy behind it. i think i have learned that its better to throw away the art that you love and no one buys than give it away and feel anger and pain and fuck with your head. pieces that you slave over and love. pieces that were your biggest triumph. better to silently suffocate them. i have done one big head trip on myself by giving more art away yesterday that you guys havent even seen the light of day of. it made me feel even more deathly. i know some of you give give give....and i myself have given quite freely this last 9 months...albeit $20 or $30 vases not $800 or in this case $2500 pieces of art. anyhow. i was making what i felt good money on etsy, having a good flow of energy and it just felt right sometimes. but i gave because i had way extra, my heart was big....and i wasnt in desperation mode. giving is really a weird thing. really weird.
i remember when i was a born again christian. i was in my 20's. i was broke and struggling but i was also drinking like there was no tomorrow. i got a dwi and had to go to classes. i had fines to pay. this was back in 1982 so nothing worse happened to me than that. thankfully i didnt hurt anyone either. i got a job once again (for like the 3rd time since i was 16) at mcdonalds and met a woman who was a christian. she was into health as well so i got under her wing. started going to church....next thing you know i'm speaking in tongues and giving the church every damn dime i have. giving them my 'rare coins' (obviously not that rare but you know what i mean...that stash of coins that could be worth something and was already worth something by dint of how much i had). anyhow...they were too happy to take my money. each week they took my money. what they gave me...well i got support from my friend and i got to disappear into a fearful congregation of people who seemingly had no mind of their own.
i never forgot that. that you CAN give give give and not properly look out for yourself and no one but YOU can monitor that. i mean the church didn't care. what was i doing giving all that money to them (not god but in my mind i was led to believe this was 'for god') when i could barely pay rent? borrowing money when i HAD MONEY that i was giving to the church. were this not almost 30 years ago i would be embarrassed to even tell you about that because i feel like a complete FOOL. my life didn't get better by the way. i gave it a year. i sat in my little apartment praying like a banshee. i spoke for hours in tongues. i did it all. i moved on.
another story, i digress. i guess i'm just not in a good place. my art is everywhere. lucky tod he got away from it. i'm here, stuck with it. loving it, needing to sell it and feeling like a child in school trying to get those damn story problems. i dont know what to do with it and i feel it should be obvious how to figure it out.
would ya tell me if i'm being blind? an idiot? no one can do my life but me. obviously nothing has felt right yet. having a few pieces for an even lower price on etsy feels better than starting at $99 on etsy. thankfully it is just wall art i want to get rid of the reasons i've already stated. it still messes with me that you...that i...that it...is devalued. and that people will expect deals forever. that people who have bought wall art from me will be mad at me. fine line between doing what you have to to survive.
i just want to make art again. get back to my flowers. and my head says what the fuck are you doing???? making more art? i sat down last night for an hour to work on 2 flowers that needed to be assembled and fine tuned so there was no 'real creative' energy needing to happen. i dont make good art when i'm angry or sad or tired so it felt right to work on something already done. that was the first time my head relaxed. that i felt peace. but the thoughts come back saying 'you shouldn't be doing this... you are avoiding. you must this and that. you must. how can making another $30 flower save you? how can that pay your rent? did i tell you that since tod told me he is leaving all my sales save for friends, have stopped? how ironic is that? now i'm not even making my original half of the rent each month.
am i destined to sit in a tiny room and doodle. drool. die.
my tiny little mind just has no clue. its a turning point in my life. and its the first time i've never really felt my usual old urge to scramble and make decisions that i have no idea what to make. maybe its just denial...it feels like i'm waiting but i should at least make a flower while i wait. or something new. it still feels very real to me that my fateful day will come when i dont have rent and haven't found a place to live and i just have to walk off with nothing. leave it all behind and disappear. thats where my sick mind goes. while i keep checking in and know that all i want is to make art. my fear is about having no space for my stuff and no space in my head and no space in my energy body to do that.
i'm struggling and only i can look for the answers. i dont even expect a single thought from a single person on this. in fact i know that all i can do is look, watch, listen...like an animal on the hunt, and JUMP when the prey walks by. right now its a famine. hear me roar silently in my mind. (or in my case...on my blog which is fortunate because no one has to read this if they dont wanna)
*five minute after thought
how can i be this old and so screwed up about giving and receiving?
i am very uncomfortable taking art for free. i dont receive well. i dont want someone handing me a check and saying there there paula....live life and enjoy! i wanna work for it. i dont want a grant i dont want to win the lottery ( i dont play so i cant win). i just want to do what i love and make it. its hard not to be an insolent child and brood. its hard to expand and trust.
giving.....art or anything has to come from the heart and i know there are times and places but not entire bodies of work and not all at once. i know i am impatient. i know it. i know i have some time and i could probably and will probably keep some pieces and try to sell them until the day i die. i need to stop thinking.
30 minutes later...
i'm trying to learn here..
maybe the point is, giving when you feel abundant and safe...when you are feeling healthy and replete is best. giving when you are fearful, anxious...uncertain and not stable isn't such a good idea. giving is a peaceful thing not a desperate thing. duh that sounds so obvious.
i really messed myself up giving that piece away.
what a messed up day i had. one of the worst in a long long time.
back to how to sell/get rid of art in a hurry in order to survive, have space (and desire to then make more art of a different ilk ie my small/functional stuff that now sells) and be ready for the inevitable move to a small place.
the only good thing about giving that piece away was how much this woman loves it and would never buy something like that. she lives out of town, as far as i know doesnt have people over...and i doubt anyone will ever see it and think wow i want to buy something too!!!! this was truly a gift that has no ulterior motives or energy behind it. i think i have learned that its better to throw away the art that you love and no one buys than give it away and feel anger and pain and fuck with your head. pieces that you slave over and love. pieces that were your biggest triumph. better to silently suffocate them. i have done one big head trip on myself by giving more art away yesterday that you guys havent even seen the light of day of. it made me feel even more deathly. i know some of you give give give....and i myself have given quite freely this last 9 months...albeit $20 or $30 vases not $800 or in this case $2500 pieces of art. anyhow. i was making what i felt good money on etsy, having a good flow of energy and it just felt right sometimes. but i gave because i had way extra, my heart was big....and i wasnt in desperation mode. giving is really a weird thing. really weird.
i remember when i was a born again christian. i was in my 20's. i was broke and struggling but i was also drinking like there was no tomorrow. i got a dwi and had to go to classes. i had fines to pay. this was back in 1982 so nothing worse happened to me than that. thankfully i didnt hurt anyone either. i got a job once again (for like the 3rd time since i was 16) at mcdonalds and met a woman who was a christian. she was into health as well so i got under her wing. started going to church....next thing you know i'm speaking in tongues and giving the church every damn dime i have. giving them my 'rare coins' (obviously not that rare but you know what i mean...that stash of coins that could be worth something and was already worth something by dint of how much i had). anyhow...they were too happy to take my money. each week they took my money. what they gave me...well i got support from my friend and i got to disappear into a fearful congregation of people who seemingly had no mind of their own.
i never forgot that. that you CAN give give give and not properly look out for yourself and no one but YOU can monitor that. i mean the church didn't care. what was i doing giving all that money to them (not god but in my mind i was led to believe this was 'for god') when i could barely pay rent? borrowing money when i HAD MONEY that i was giving to the church. were this not almost 30 years ago i would be embarrassed to even tell you about that because i feel like a complete FOOL. my life didn't get better by the way. i gave it a year. i sat in my little apartment praying like a banshee. i spoke for hours in tongues. i did it all. i moved on.
another story, i digress. i guess i'm just not in a good place. my art is everywhere. lucky tod he got away from it. i'm here, stuck with it. loving it, needing to sell it and feeling like a child in school trying to get those damn story problems. i dont know what to do with it and i feel it should be obvious how to figure it out.
would ya tell me if i'm being blind? an idiot? no one can do my life but me. obviously nothing has felt right yet. having a few pieces for an even lower price on etsy feels better than starting at $99 on etsy. thankfully it is just wall art i want to get rid of the reasons i've already stated. it still messes with me that you...that i...that it...is devalued. and that people will expect deals forever. that people who have bought wall art from me will be mad at me. fine line between doing what you have to to survive.
i just want to make art again. get back to my flowers. and my head says what the fuck are you doing???? making more art? i sat down last night for an hour to work on 2 flowers that needed to be assembled and fine tuned so there was no 'real creative' energy needing to happen. i dont make good art when i'm angry or sad or tired so it felt right to work on something already done. that was the first time my head relaxed. that i felt peace. but the thoughts come back saying 'you shouldn't be doing this... you are avoiding. you must this and that. you must. how can making another $30 flower save you? how can that pay your rent? did i tell you that since tod told me he is leaving all my sales save for friends, have stopped? how ironic is that? now i'm not even making my original half of the rent each month.
am i destined to sit in a tiny room and doodle. drool. die.
my tiny little mind just has no clue. its a turning point in my life. and its the first time i've never really felt my usual old urge to scramble and make decisions that i have no idea what to make. maybe its just denial...it feels like i'm waiting but i should at least make a flower while i wait. or something new. it still feels very real to me that my fateful day will come when i dont have rent and haven't found a place to live and i just have to walk off with nothing. leave it all behind and disappear. thats where my sick mind goes. while i keep checking in and know that all i want is to make art. my fear is about having no space for my stuff and no space in my head and no space in my energy body to do that.
i'm struggling and only i can look for the answers. i dont even expect a single thought from a single person on this. in fact i know that all i can do is look, watch, listen...like an animal on the hunt, and JUMP when the prey walks by. right now its a famine. hear me roar silently in my mind. (or in my case...on my blog which is fortunate because no one has to read this if they dont wanna)
*five minute after thought
how can i be this old and so screwed up about giving and receiving?
i am very uncomfortable taking art for free. i dont receive well. i dont want someone handing me a check and saying there there paula....live life and enjoy! i wanna work for it. i dont want a grant i dont want to win the lottery ( i dont play so i cant win). i just want to do what i love and make it. its hard not to be an insolent child and brood. its hard to expand and trust.
giving.....art or anything has to come from the heart and i know there are times and places but not entire bodies of work and not all at once. i know i am impatient. i know it. i know i have some time and i could probably and will probably keep some pieces and try to sell them until the day i die. i need to stop thinking.
30 minutes later...
i'm trying to learn here..
maybe the point is, giving when you feel abundant and safe...when you are feeling healthy and replete is best. giving when you are fearful, anxious...uncertain and not stable isn't such a good idea. giving is a peaceful thing not a desperate thing. duh that sounds so obvious.
4/22/11
let it go
i just listed a few wall pieces on etsy for the lowball price, sale items are being listed here. i feel good about it all which is the most important thing. i feel lost right now, i've spent this whole week redoing my loft, now that tod is gone i felt it important to get it changed around and deep cleaned, even if i have to move in a month or two. moving and heaving my art materials around is a little anxiety producing as i know i really cannot live in a much smaller place without walking over boxes. i have no idea what to do. what to think. i'm pretty much exhausted from the stress of this year and its only april. so taking it day by day...
4/21/11
tell me now
okay i had like 30 some comments on my facebook fan page in response to am i humiliating myself putting wall art pieces that sell in galleries for $500-2000 on ebay for $99. the answer is YES.
hahahahaha
AHAHAHAHAH
what a moron i am.
desperation.
makes one do crazy things.
so. the thoughts are do what you have to do.
i have to get rid of my wall art. you'd never know tod left, the loft is even fuller with all my storage stuff and art. regardless of if i get to keep living here for a few more months, regardless of if i win the lottery and stay forever, the art has to go. i still do not understand how people make shitloads of art and keep it. i'm thinking last june i had 25 sales on etsy. today i have 196 sales. can you imagine if i made all that and it never sold? can you imagine me running and screaming and hurling myself down a cliff?
i have truly been having an artistential crisis. i want to make more art...when i'm actually making art i'm fine. but when i'm not, when i'm contemplating it (or busy and can't do it such as now)...i start obsessing about how little room i have and where to put it all until it sells.
it has me feeling stymied. were it not for the fact i have a good track record for selling my art, i'd think maybe i suck and i should keep it as a hobby and give it all away as i make it. that isn't the case so far, thank god. but the question remains what/how...to do/deal with this wall art that i do not plan to make anymore.
gentle reminder:
1) galleries are not going to take on an artists work that they aren't making anymore if you are new to them and they have any sense.
2) yes i have tried small galleries within a 50 mi radius.
3) no i do not have the time/money (for gas) or desire quite frankly to drive to houston or austin or dallas and try to get this work (about 20 pieces) into galleries
4) i do not have a tent, money to buy one, tables...nor do i have a big car to carry all my heavy shit to put up in some local art market. the ones i have tried to do that already had tents...i had to keep it small and not bring my big heavy wall art. it isn't an option. i need to move this stuff YESTERDAY. the only reason i am not tossing it (well taking it to the scrap yard for top dollar) is because i know it is sellable. i know too that i spent a good amount of money on the prints being made/laminated and i would hate myself forever if i didn't try to at least recoup that.
5)that leaves me with online because locally, in huntsville, selling fine art is like ....like i dunno what. i dont know the people here if they do buy fine art. i've had a few sales from the local art center but they only take a few pieces and get picky when the same artists are in there all the time. suffice to say i'm lucky i have a few vases in there and a puzzle sculpture.
i guess i will load these back on etsy....and the debate is whether to mark them 'on sale'. as it is they are all half of what i would charge if you were to walk into a gallery since the gallery would take 50% i'm passing that savings on to the online world.
what do you think? do i list them lower?
do i keep on saying like a broken record here that i will take offers? i am very hesitant to keep saying i have wall art for sale here because i assume i have the same 10 readers and they are going to get tired of me if i dont have a new message.
fa la la la la
la
la
la
la
hahahahaha
AHAHAHAHAH
what a moron i am.
desperation.
makes one do crazy things.
so. the thoughts are do what you have to do.
i have to get rid of my wall art. you'd never know tod left, the loft is even fuller with all my storage stuff and art. regardless of if i get to keep living here for a few more months, regardless of if i win the lottery and stay forever, the art has to go. i still do not understand how people make shitloads of art and keep it. i'm thinking last june i had 25 sales on etsy. today i have 196 sales. can you imagine if i made all that and it never sold? can you imagine me running and screaming and hurling myself down a cliff?
i have truly been having an artistential crisis. i want to make more art...when i'm actually making art i'm fine. but when i'm not, when i'm contemplating it (or busy and can't do it such as now)...i start obsessing about how little room i have and where to put it all until it sells.
it has me feeling stymied. were it not for the fact i have a good track record for selling my art, i'd think maybe i suck and i should keep it as a hobby and give it all away as i make it. that isn't the case so far, thank god. but the question remains what/how...to do/deal with this wall art that i do not plan to make anymore.
gentle reminder:
1) galleries are not going to take on an artists work that they aren't making anymore if you are new to them and they have any sense.
2) yes i have tried small galleries within a 50 mi radius.
3) no i do not have the time/money (for gas) or desire quite frankly to drive to houston or austin or dallas and try to get this work (about 20 pieces) into galleries
4) i do not have a tent, money to buy one, tables...nor do i have a big car to carry all my heavy shit to put up in some local art market. the ones i have tried to do that already had tents...i had to keep it small and not bring my big heavy wall art. it isn't an option. i need to move this stuff YESTERDAY. the only reason i am not tossing it (well taking it to the scrap yard for top dollar) is because i know it is sellable. i know too that i spent a good amount of money on the prints being made/laminated and i would hate myself forever if i didn't try to at least recoup that.
5)that leaves me with online because locally, in huntsville, selling fine art is like ....like i dunno what. i dont know the people here if they do buy fine art. i've had a few sales from the local art center but they only take a few pieces and get picky when the same artists are in there all the time. suffice to say i'm lucky i have a few vases in there and a puzzle sculpture.
i guess i will load these back on etsy....and the debate is whether to mark them 'on sale'. as it is they are all half of what i would charge if you were to walk into a gallery since the gallery would take 50% i'm passing that savings on to the online world.
what do you think? do i list them lower?
do i keep on saying like a broken record here that i will take offers? i am very hesitant to keep saying i have wall art for sale here because i assume i have the same 10 readers and they are going to get tired of me if i dont have a new message.
fa la la la la
la
la
la
la
4/19/11
the ebay debate
so on facebook i wrote a blip asking if am i humiliating myself by having some wall art that i NEED TO GET RID OF NOW, on ebay...seems ya'll hate ebay. and many of you think i'm doing my art and art in general a disservice.
i have felt the same. i've felt annoyed at times when people on etsy/ebay sell good art for pennies as it makes it hard (who knows but thats what we all say) for 'real art' to sell at 'real prices'. given the choice between giving it away or throwing it away...i'd try to sell it for whatever i can. all i know is i'm doing the best i can to make money. i'm cleaning when opportunities arise and you all know how much i dislike being a house cleaner but i know it affords me time to work on art. the urgency to 'make it' is now, now that i am solo and have more financial crap to deal with.
a very gracious friend/art buyer made the point of saying they didn't want to buy my stuff on ebay. that they didn't want to pay that little for something. they ended up buying something on etsy which i really appreciate....and i would say that i do have 'buy it now' options in case there is any other rare bird out there that actually thinks that way!
i'm feeling frustrated that i'm being told to get my work in galleries and do this and that. i know its hard to pay attention to what we all are doing online...but i have to say i dont have desire/time to drive 80 miles to houston and try to get into galleries. i've had to take my stuff out of storage and its here and its now i need to get rid of it. if i move tomorrow it gets thrown out. if i stay here a bit longer i need more money. period. so the wall art is the one piece of collateral that i own that i want to 'cash in on'.
anyone have any other suggestions i'm open! i'm limited in time and energy and all i have is my online world. i have a few friends here in huntsville but they either have my art already or are about where i am at financially and buying art is the last thing they are gonna do. i suppose if/when i have to move that is when the final get rid of it happens. i'm the type that would rather do something now so i'm ready for whatever!
love your honesty and love you all speaking up. now...back to your regularly scheduled program....
i have felt the same. i've felt annoyed at times when people on etsy/ebay sell good art for pennies as it makes it hard (who knows but thats what we all say) for 'real art' to sell at 'real prices'. given the choice between giving it away or throwing it away...i'd try to sell it for whatever i can. all i know is i'm doing the best i can to make money. i'm cleaning when opportunities arise and you all know how much i dislike being a house cleaner but i know it affords me time to work on art. the urgency to 'make it' is now, now that i am solo and have more financial crap to deal with.
a very gracious friend/art buyer made the point of saying they didn't want to buy my stuff on ebay. that they didn't want to pay that little for something. they ended up buying something on etsy which i really appreciate....and i would say that i do have 'buy it now' options in case there is any other rare bird out there that actually thinks that way!
i'm feeling frustrated that i'm being told to get my work in galleries and do this and that. i know its hard to pay attention to what we all are doing online...but i have to say i dont have desire/time to drive 80 miles to houston and try to get into galleries. i've had to take my stuff out of storage and its here and its now i need to get rid of it. if i move tomorrow it gets thrown out. if i stay here a bit longer i need more money. period. so the wall art is the one piece of collateral that i own that i want to 'cash in on'.
anyone have any other suggestions i'm open! i'm limited in time and energy and all i have is my online world. i have a few friends here in huntsville but they either have my art already or are about where i am at financially and buying art is the last thing they are gonna do. i suppose if/when i have to move that is when the final get rid of it happens. i'm the type that would rather do something now so i'm ready for whatever!
love your honesty and love you all speaking up. now...back to your regularly scheduled program....
4/18/11
Auction #4
Anyhow. Since this was just on canvas i could roll it up and take with. It would be about 5 years later that I had it professionally scanned/printed as a giclee and then professionally laminated onto the 1/4 MDF board. tada. art.
what else.... oh i'm quite pleased that a puzzle piece sold (not on ebay but on etsy!) yesterday. thank you you you know who you are. also this weekend one of my ebay auctions ended with a bid, so that was nice too.
recap: tod finally made it out of here on friday. one helluva week. i am now busy with catching up on much needed sleep, as well as doing a big clean/rearrange/reorganize and refitting my brain into my skull. still nothing speaking to me or coming to me as far as living situations. i sometimes get the strangest feeling that maybe i'm not supposed to go anywhere right now. i mean if nothing is coming then there is nothing doing. i am most curious what the hell is going to happen. i've put my life on auto pilot...i just am tired of trying to control is cuz you can't really do that anyhow.
oddest time EVER. cleaning jobs have stopped for now. my art mojo is buried at present. my studio is a mess and everything is out of whack and out of order. when in doubt. do what is in front of you. hence massive organizing/going thru things and preparing the best i can for a move, even if i dont know if/when. i hope to make some art this week if i can ever find my studio space again.
4/16/11
Two Views, Auction #3
Tod finally left. hahaha FINALLY. I say that because he was on standby and it only took 4 days to actually get the green light and even then it almost didn't happen because i just could not force myself to drive on that horrid freeway with no sleep and panic grabbing me. he made it. farewell....he is now a seattlite and i guess i am a texan although i've yet to feel like one. i know this isn't where i will stay long term....yet nowhere else feels right. staying put until i know.
i will list more things soon on ebay. and keep listing them over and over until they sell/until i move/until i lose my mind and throw everything out the window or something better occurs to me to do. have a good weekend!
4/13/11
The Sage/Auction #2
I finally got all my art and art materials out of storage. You'd never know that tod will be gone tomorrow because of all MY boxes everywhere. Tod is only taking two bags with him and I will send him his boxes when he gets settled. Remember that one Peanuts character that has all the whirl of dusty dirt following him in a cloud? Thats what I feel like. If you were to see me you'd probably not see ME as much as this cloud of jumbled energy. What next? Maybe when Tod is gone I will focus a little more.
I'd like to make some flowers for that Orange Show outdoor sculpture Park in Houston. Haven't done a thing and they wanted most of it by the end of the month. Not likely I will get much done but maybe I can try. Maybe I will go on a pipe cutting jag and cut up all my pipes just to have them ready to work on should I move and not be able to cut metal wherever I end up living. Maybe I should sell all those pipes back to the scrap yard for $$? who knows. Maybe I will join the circus.
4/11/11
Ebay Auction #1
Pipe in Repose is the first piece to be listed on the auction block. This piece weighs about 13lbs and is all about the industrial. The coils surrounding the laminated photograph were found at an old/still functioning dairy farm in Stowe, Vermont; the photo itself was taken next to the house that tod and i care took for in Vermont (a stones throw from the Von Trapp Lodge). It was an abandoned house on the property, in back of the house was this old beautiful pipe looking perfectly relaxed on a crisp fall day. Everything is securely mounted onto a found piece of steel. This is rustic and always gets attention when shown. Click here to go to the ebay listing which ends 5 days from today.
4/10/11
artists life
i haven't been doing too much lately. well not art related. i have been blessed (she says with rancor) with lots of cleaning jobs the last few weeks and since i have allowed myself to fall into fear and poverty mode i've abandoned art to make some immediate cash.
this has been a rough time. and i feel it will probably get rougher. tod is gonna leave sometime this week (its a standby flight so it changes but it will be this week i'm sure) and then i really get to deal with my fear and panic and life all by myself once again.
right now i'm trying to deal with all my STUFF. i have to laugh i guess. little in the way of personal stuff to get rid of, just art supplies, tools and art. probably harder than unloading a living room sectional and bedroom set ya think? i'm trying to decide what to keep in some unknowable anticipation of where i'm moving and when. i did get a break on rent for summer but its will gonna be more than i've been making so i've decided to go for broke and try to sell all that i can in the next month or two.
i will open another etsy shop this week (its up but no banner or info): industrial habitat. this shop will contain industrial art supplies like pulleys and nuts/bolts other odd mixed media scraps, as well as industrial vintage items.
also, starting tonight i hope, i will begin uploading things on ebay. some personal home items i just dont need as well as all my puzzle and photography wall art. i will have to dismantle a few mixed media works that are just too big/heavy to ship and see if i can sell the photo's as stand alone works. soon as that is up i will shout it out here if anyone is in the market for auctioned art or knows of someone who might love finding a deal!
so far i've not had any 'luck' finding another place/place. at times i want to just get in my car and leave with nothing but my tent again but i wouldn't make it very far on so little cash. it's too exhausting to think about how hard i've worked to find all my materials, buy tools, make art and get my foot in the door. yet other times it feels too hard to keep juggling all of this and squeeze into a small living/work space that might or might not allow for using power tools. my head is exploding with questions and it's not a good time to make decisions, just trying to take it day by day and deal with what is in front of me. the cleaning jobs have distracted me and left me nearly dumb with fatigue.
thats life in my nutshell. i know some of you really have been wondering what i'm doing and what is happening. i appreciate your care and wanting to stay connected. thanks for being there!
this has been a rough time. and i feel it will probably get rougher. tod is gonna leave sometime this week (its a standby flight so it changes but it will be this week i'm sure) and then i really get to deal with my fear and panic and life all by myself once again.
right now i'm trying to deal with all my STUFF. i have to laugh i guess. little in the way of personal stuff to get rid of, just art supplies, tools and art. probably harder than unloading a living room sectional and bedroom set ya think? i'm trying to decide what to keep in some unknowable anticipation of where i'm moving and when. i did get a break on rent for summer but its will gonna be more than i've been making so i've decided to go for broke and try to sell all that i can in the next month or two.
i will open another etsy shop this week (its up but no banner or info): industrial habitat. this shop will contain industrial art supplies like pulleys and nuts/bolts other odd mixed media scraps, as well as industrial vintage items.
also, starting tonight i hope, i will begin uploading things on ebay. some personal home items i just dont need as well as all my puzzle and photography wall art. i will have to dismantle a few mixed media works that are just too big/heavy to ship and see if i can sell the photo's as stand alone works. soon as that is up i will shout it out here if anyone is in the market for auctioned art or knows of someone who might love finding a deal!
so far i've not had any 'luck' finding another place/place. at times i want to just get in my car and leave with nothing but my tent again but i wouldn't make it very far on so little cash. it's too exhausting to think about how hard i've worked to find all my materials, buy tools, make art and get my foot in the door. yet other times it feels too hard to keep juggling all of this and squeeze into a small living/work space that might or might not allow for using power tools. my head is exploding with questions and it's not a good time to make decisions, just trying to take it day by day and deal with what is in front of me. the cleaning jobs have distracted me and left me nearly dumb with fatigue.
thats life in my nutshell. i know some of you really have been wondering what i'm doing and what is happening. i appreciate your care and wanting to stay connected. thanks for being there!
4/1/11
and the winner is...
and the winner is....
hard to read that number but it is 2. and they have chosen wall dancers!
i'm in the process of uploading the 2nd drawing for the vase/or candle holder...stay tuned, i will add it here in about 10 minutes.
THANK YOU everyone for your participation and support.
congratulations lucky number #13! i will email you a photo and let you pick between a vase or candle holder. if you want to 'be known' please comment here :) congratulations!
to everyone else, I will be emailing you a link where you can download your preferred image to print out an 8x10 photo or use as a screen saver. check your inbox/spam folder if you haven't received it within 24 hours.
art giveaway ends today at 5pm central time
i will then choose from the remaining numbers another winner, they will be given the opportunity to choose from a vase or a candle holder (will be shown on the blog). everyone else will be emailed a link to large file images that they can download of the actual photo's of their choosing (the wonder horse or wall dancers).
thank you so much to those of you who have participated in this giveaway. i am really excited to see who wins, you have all been very generous and supportive. bless you all. paula
*the winning number will be announced here just after 5pm and i will of course email you all with instructions/link how to get your 8x10" digital image online.
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