connect

i had some relief hit late yesterday.  not what i was hoping for in the bigger picture but for now, i have a little breathing room. before i go into that,  i tell ya one thing i'm going to miss about tod big time is the like-mindedness in regards to how we view how life can be.  granted he see's things in the bigger picture and i do not (yet)....and we are very different as i am almost 100% kinesthetic and he 100% logical, somehow we meet up when it comes understanding/believing that there is a way to live the way you want and not succumb to the mainstream.  is it harder? uh  yeah...for now.  but easier in other ways.  like for me it would be way harder to have a 'real job', with my  back/body/mind issues and the soul sucking existence (for me) that that would play out as, i wouldn't bother, i know it. i spent my teens and young adulthood doing that and now i know why i was crazy drunk.  it was the only way i could stand my life.

i know to plenty of people i look too damn stoic.  unrealistic.  whatever.  i know it scared the bejesus out of people that knew me in arizona when i quit massage and left arizona with basically nothing.  some even got angry with me and tried to scare me with stories about how i would be perceived! can you believe that?????
anyhow.  we do what we have to more often than not. i had to do that.  had to leave had to journey and i was rewarded by finally finding my self. and i still am finding myself, thru art.

sometimes i think if it were not for the handful of people that get it, that get me, that i wouldn't have made it this far.  tod got me from day one.  he met me when i was still living in my tent, had just met a stranger who was going to let me stay with her until i found an apartment, and i was so anxious, panicky and scared out of my mind that all i could relay was i was going to be an artist.  my eye's were twitching and i was wearing my pinhole glasses while we talked. most people would run.  he didnt.

and since meeting him that late summer early fall of 2004 i have continued to meet people who hear me.  who get me.  even if they dont understand me they accept me.   you can't ask for much more than that.   you really can't.  today i woke up and saw a blog post by my online etsy friend, bai.  here is a woman whom i've never met.  english isn't even her first language (she speaks three that i know of) and since meeting her on an etsy team, i have come to know a strong, tireless, loving, open and humorous woman that has inspired me time and time again.  when i read her blog post about me i couldn't even believe what i was reading.  she got me.  she gets it.  i thank you bai.  just what you wrote is support above and beyond.  it reinforces and inspires me. 

another person who gets me is the office woman at the landlords.  she is the woman i deal with when it comes to the sporadic cleaning jobs i do.  i'm always apologizing because i feel like the WORST cleaning person EVER.  sometimes the jobs are too much for me.  for my back for my arms....for my NOSE.  and sometimes i am too busy with art or shipping it or whatever.  i have always been honest with her, risking looking like a self absorbed wimp.  i feel i risk someone not wanting to call me for jobs because i feel unreliable because art takes first place always.  ALWAYS.  and she gets it.  she hears me.  she allows me to be me.  she doesn't cringe at my verbal faus pax.  doesn't say snide things.  doesn't make me feel like i'm supposed to go live in some small shit hole and who cares if i can't make art anymore. 

she called me yesterday and let me know i can stay here, in this loft for another few months.  she and another person championed for me in ways i wont discuss here but suffice to say i have a little breathing room. my rent will be increased a bit but for short term it is cheaper than moving and paying first/last/security somewhere else and hiring people to move all this stuff.  it is less chaotic and hard on my body as my back has been out again and the thought of packing/moving is just too much.   for now i can take the time to make those flowers for the outdoor houston orange show.  for now i can slow down and take a trip to austin after i find more people to connect with.  austin isn't a place to go with no money or contacts. 

and life.  the way i want to keep living it.  i can for now.  and i have to keep telling myself i dont have to quit it all and find the job and let art suffer.  i have worked my ass off to get this far. i was making a living selling art in vermont and lost all that momentum when i moved and the recession hit but i have miraculously made the majority of my living selling art the last 9 months, its paid my bills with some cleaning jobs sprinkled in. granted i never have a dime extra and i live about as simply as anyone i know. at least there is momentum that feels crucial not to let collect dust.  it takes seemingly more courage than i know how to find at times, to keep living this way. during challenging times that is when myself as well as others can defeat me with ideas that i can't do it. that i need to take on more cleaning jobs or finding other employment etc etc.  i am no longer a religious person and often times i feel the universe is just a void of deafness and nothingness.  thru my own mental struggles i have lost my way when it comes to peace and universal harmony.  the war within my own mind has been so loud i've gotten lost in there at times. i have been at battle with myself and life and i'm ready for a ceasefire.  i also realize i am not alone.  my journey has been so focused i've forgotten sometimes to look around, to look up at the sky for hope as i did in my youth and to feel connected to people and to life again.  maybe now i'm being forced to connect outside of myself again but in a new way, art is the conduit.  i have had a lot of support this last year from many people both on line and in the 'real' world.  i mustn't take that for granted or ever forget it.  i sure as hell hope i do that for some of you.  i sure hope i can buck up once and for all and burst thru this next layer of membrane.  for now, there is a reprieve of sorts with the living thing.  nothing has felt right and staying here a little longer does feel right.  i know it isnt permanent and it's still going to be a lot of work and challenge to get to that next place/space.  one day at a time.

life update

i dont have news to share in regards to where i'm going.  i've been in overwhelm and busy cleaning some places for the landlord as well as trying to finish taking pictures and uploading art that has been in the wings.  all of that that always swallows most of my time up.  i  do keep putting the word out about needing a place to live/work.  i've got no real leads. feel no real pull.  i do believe austin will be a place for me eventually, it doesn't quite feel right to go there right now with so little in the way of funds/support/jobs.  i've met a couple people thru craigslist but no bites yet for real possibility.  i've kind of reached this new plateau with the amount of worry/fear and stress that i can hold in my body and am now just doing my best to trust and allow and believe that somehow it will work out.  it DOES feel better to believe it will be alright than to believe i'm fucked.

smallest of small chances i could stay here another month or so if need be.  we did give our notice but if no one rents it out i might be able to hang on a little longer.  someone gave me a lead for another cleaning gig for a family here in town.  i'm not really keen on having to be somewhere every week at a certain time but for now, i know i have to focus on bringing buckage in.  i'm seriously considering opening another etsy shop selling some vintage items as well as supplies.  vintage is HUGE on etsy right now and i know a few people who do so well they barely have time for their art.  i dont have access to much in the way of vintage but just like my flower shop, long as i can have a page up that works for me. 

dont forget if you know anyone who wants a chance to win art to tell them about my fundraiser/giveaway.  there is still time!  the winner will be announced april 1 at 5pm.  see my website for details.

art project possibility

Orange Show/Smither Park Opening

Rendering by Pat Lopez

A rendering of Smither Park

 

Dan Phillips has invited me to make some flowers for the Smither Park in Houston, Texas. This new addition to the  Orange Show Center for Visionary Art  led by Stephanie Smither who 'is piloting the program as a tribute to her late husband, John H. Smither...".  This is an exciting possibility for me and I am hoping that I have a chance to participate in this event.

Most of you already know my life is in a state of flux at the moment.  If I can stay here in my loft a few months I will most certainly get to work on this, it will push me to create something slightly different than my relatively 'new' found object rebar flowers as I will need to make some flowers that fit under certain guidelines: i will not be paid for the work submitted. the flowers must avoid anything that will degrade in fifty years.  that is, no plastic, paper, wood, or anything that might have a life-expectancy of less than fifty years.  and each flower or set of flowers must be such that they can be embedded in thin-set mortar.  

it would definitely be a great learning experience as well as an opportunity. other than buying more scrap to make the flowers/stems, my costs would be relatively low.  i am already thinking i would need to make a base for groups of flowers so this can all be more easily installed/set into the mortar.  end of april is the time they want the bulk of the work.  it would be amazing if i could partake in this!  

i have to say this last week has been an emotional roller coaster, the idea of tod leaving and me not knowing where to go has kept me from feeling like making any art.  it's been overwhelming thinking about where/when/how to move let alone really finding a place that fits my artist studio needs.  i feel i am going in 100 different directions at once and as many artists experience, when you aren't making art it can feel like you are unraveling and losing bits of yourself.  i think today is the first day that i am feeling some hope and support.  i'm not sure change will ever feel easy or good.  i'm not sure i will ever have dignity...i don't handle upsets easily and it's easy to chastise myself for how i react and behave.  if i can jump back on the art track maybe i can level myself out again.  even if i dont have the time/opportunity to get involved with this, just being asked is very cool and i will have to trust more opportunities will present themselves.

 

 

 

It starts now!

Per the post below, today is the kick off for your chance to win a piece of art.  Since it is basically an even split of choice, nearly half voted for Wall Dancers and the other for The Wonder Horse, I have decided that whomever's name I pick can have whichever piece they wanted.

Just to be on the safe side since I'm not sure how blogger stands on such types of donation/giveaways, I am posting the rules on my website as well as the PayPal button.  Once I have received your donation you will receive a number via email and 2 weeks from today when I pull the numbers from the hat your number will be revealed if you are the winner.  (that way you have privacy and can exclaim to the world if you wish or remain anonymous).

Keep in mind there will be a 2nd hat pulling immediately after for another chance to pick from a vase/or candle holder of my choosing.  Details, rules etc are all on my website.  Thank you so much and please if you can, repost this or send the link of my website to friends/facebook/twitter etc.  I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't really need some help with this move, new life I am having to embrace. (see 2 posts down if you aren't privy).

Good luck and thank you so much!  I will announce the winner Friday, April 1 at 5pm central standard time.

Which One?

My newsletter is coming out today, normally I would send this exclusively via email to all those whom have signed up, this time however I am also posting it on my blog as it pertains to my blog:

Paula's Newsletter #2, March 2011

A time of new life...new growth. Changes. If you've seen my recent blog post you are familiar with the changes that are soon to happen in my world. Having lived with Tod for seven years, I will soon be living alone as he embarks on his own journey in life in the pacific northwest. I will stay here in Huntsville and begin to build a life of my own here as a solo artist.

My challenges at the moment are figuring out where to move or how to make it work so I can stay in this loft for a while longer which, the more I look around, is perhaps the most practical/workable spot for me since I will now have more room work and storage space in this apartment. I'm open to moving but that will take some getting ahead financially and right now my goal is to sell some art and see what happens.

Having said that, I've come up with an idea to offer art to people who might otherwise not be able to afford it, as well as to give me an opportunity to lighten my load and introduce more people to my work. That being, I am going to offer a piece of art on my blog to a random winner from the list of donors. Before I decide which piece to offer I wanted to poll my readers on which piece they would like to see me offer. The two choices are:

The Wonder Horse

The Wonder Horse II, 2008
Print: 12x17(in) #1/20
Total Size 22" diameter
Mixed Media Assemblage

Wholesale Value: $350 Retail Value: $700

The Wonder Horse is a C-Print that has been laminated onto a 1/4" black beveled MDF (medium density fiberboard). The lamination means you dont have to frame this in glass and can easily wipe it a soft cloth to clean dust. The Photograph is mounted to a cut up foundry pattern (100 + yrs old) from an old saw mill in VT. A barrel band serves and the 'frame' for this lightweight/sturdy piece.

The Wonder Horse is a child's carousel horse that I found in an old ravine on a dairy farm. I photographed him and later went back to rescue him!

My Mixed Media Photo Assemblages have exhibited in galleries since 2006. They have been bought by art collectors from all over the US.  Prices have been reduced by at least half as I am no longer in galleries and there is no 50% commission to split.

OR:

'Wall Dancers"

Wall Dancers, 2006
21(w)x29(H)" Print #3/5
Mixed Media Assemblage

Wholesale Value: $275  Retail Value: $550

Wall Dancers is a 12x18(in)C-Print that has been laminated onto a 1/4" black beveled MDF (medium density fiberboard). The lamination means you dont have to frame this in glass and can easily wipe it a soft cloth to clean dust. The photograph is float mounted onto a painted grid and is very lightweight and durable.

The photo is a close up of peeling paint on an old barn door. I see crazy wall dancing type shadows and shapes in the dark images, hence the name. I took this picture just outside of Wolcott, VT.

A suggested donation of $15 or more via PayPal or personal check (contact me for that info) will enter you in the drawing. When the chosen date has arrived I will pick a name out of a hat and the winner will receive the artwork at no extra cost to them.  I will handle shipping and insurance. 

You will have another opportunity to receive some art via a 2nd, smaller 'give away'.  I am also going to offer either a vase or a pipe candle holder to the 2nd person who's name I pluck from the hat.  I will contact the winner and let them choose from a select few vases and candle holders; again, they will not incur any charges for shipping.  Keep in mind if you are overseas I will not be responsible for any duty taxes you are likely to incur for anything valued over $200.

And everyone else?  I would love to send you a high resolution image (suitable to print as an 8x10") file of the piece you preferred regardless of which gets chosen (just the photo not the mixed media piece).  You would have my written permission to print that image for your personal use or just enjoy as a desktop or screen saver image.  Include the name of the piece you liked best with your donation.

Please email me or post in my blog comment which piece you would like to see offered.  You can vote until 5pm Friday March 18th which piece you would like to see in my give away.  Once I have the results I will post the chosen piece on my blog.  To give as many people as possible a chance to see this I will promote this on my blog for 2 weeks.  The winner(s) will be selected and notified at that time.  To protect their identities I will only list them by first initial as winning unless they give me permission to share their name or online identity.

It would be greatly appreciated if you could share the blog post in any way that feels easy/comfortable to you.  I really appreciate you all for being supportive and interested both in my work and my life.  Thank you so much and good luck!  *ps if there is a tie i will choose the less expensive of the two pieces (wall dancers) so VOTE!!!!!

Which piece do you prefer? 

1) The Wonder Horse

2) Wall Dancers

Best to you!

Paula

The Cats of Mirikitani

Last night I watched a movie about Jimmy Mirikitani.  Jimmy is a Japanese Artist  who was found living on the streets of NYC in Jan. 2001 by filmmaker Linda Hattendorf.   He wasn't an alcoholic, he wasn't a drug addict or mentally ill.  No.  He was an American Citizen, born in California 85 years ago who had the misfortune of being of Japanese dissent and placed in the California Japanese Internment Camps during WW2.  His life would never be the same.

Rare is the film about an artist who doesn't appear to be suffering from mental illness or 'drama' that seems self indulgent.  When the film first got started you see Jimmy on the streets and not looking so good.  You don't know anything about him and it is easy to think he is crazy or an alcoholic.  While not 'great', at first glance his art looked very simple and almost stunted in a childlike era both mechanically and subject wise.  All of that vanishes as you get to know who the artist is, see his work and accomplishments throughout his life.  His art takes on a new meaning and direction and will touch you deeply. 

This documentary has so many messages about life, art and humanity. It was uplifting, touching and reminded me how art can heal.  Art can touch.  That people can make a difference one at a time. This movie won the tribecca film festival award for best documentary.  You can read more about the filmakers and 'Jimmy' Mirikitani on their website: The Cats of Mirikitani. You can stream it on Netflix too.

a new chapter

many of you know that tod went to washington for five weeks.  he returned a week ago.  fast forward to now and it appears that everything is no longer ever going to be the same.  he has decided it is time for him to move on, leave huntsville and 'us' and continue on his own journey through life.

i can't say that i am shocked.  i will try not to write too much about him here as it is his journey and story to tell online if he ever decides to do that.  suffice to say we have been friends and partners if you will, for about seven years.  i met tod when i was on the road, on MY journey towards becoming an artist.  i had been gone from arizona for just over a year and after a summer of more driving/camping across the states and canada, i landed in vermont and eventually decided to spend a winter there.  it was late summer/early fall and after deciding i was really going to get a little apartment in waterbury, vermont, i soon met tod who lived in stowe.  we became fast friends and within a few months i moved in with him.  my art world began too.  i was finally in a place i could collect materials and still had some money left from my savings to take the time necessary to explore and learn. play.  find my artist voice. 

at the time, tod was care taking in a large home up near the von trapp lodge.  it was a slice of paradise for the most part (nothing is ever perfect let us not forget but thats another story).  his life had changed radically over the last few years and he is was in hibernation phase.  my life had changed radically too as i ended my 20 year career as a masseuse and  ventured out into the unknown with little more than clothes and necessities that fit into my car.  it was a time of exploration for both of us.  he had been dabbling with writing and art but the commitment or drive wasn't as strong, in a way we were a perfect fit as he loved being a part of my process and going out on 'finds' to see what juicy things could be had.  he liked to go on long drives just so i could take pictures for my mixed media wall pieces.  when i think about it it is pretty incredible that we got to live for free in a huge house in the middle of seemingly nowhere and mostly do as we pleased.

nothing lasts though. my money was running out. his money done ran out and then some.  he got a job in stowe driving a taxi and my art got picked up by local galleries and i was making enough to live (since i didn't pay rent and all).  i too drove the cab sometimes but  i was determined to make it with art and was actually making it until the economy blew a fuse. fast forward five years and we move to huntsville texas thanks to nellie sending me an online article about dan phillips. it felt right.  we knew the house we caretook for was going to be sold soon and vermont just wasn't feeling like a supportive environment anymore.  we both were ready to be more 'in the world' and not stuck on a mountain.  winters were getting long and hard and i just wanted to be in the sunshine again and not try to work outside in harsh conditions.  we went for it and moved to huntsville, texas oct of 2009.

we both were intrigued by the idea of  functional art and dan's houses are definitely functional art.  it did turn out that we helped work on the bone house but i soon found myself unable to stay away from my own art and physically handle the work for the phoenix commotion (too many years as a masseuse kind of screwed up my body)  i spent more and more time on my own art and eventually stopped working with the phoenix commotion altogether.  tod lasted a bit longer than i did but he had physical limitations as well and was also feeling there was something else he needed to be doing.  huntsville doesn't offer distractions.  you either know what you want to do and do it or you go nuts.  you dont get to escape here.  (ironic isn't it that there are 23+ prison wards in huntsville) bad joke...

anyhow.  i dove head first into my vase making and flower making and tod tried to dive there too.  truth be told he made some really cool flowers that touch me so much i almost can't stand looking at them.  he has a gift for art. for seeing.  for finding things....but he doesn't enjoy it the same way.  he isn't wanting to spend day after day hour after hour working on something.  he has too much logic or something floating around in his brain.  it isn't (to use his words) 'satisfying' the way it is for me.  i can spend the whole day working on something and not want to stop but he gets angry and frustrated after an hour.  not a good sign.  what he does crave is intellectual stimulation.  culture.  literature.  stimulation that quite frankly does not exist here the way it does in washington.  i get it.  it was good to hear he met some people in washington his last week there on Vashon Island.  you  know its a good sign when out of the blue you meet people and they invite you to come back and maybe rent a room or whatever ...you know its a good sign when you are looking and you find.  when you are found.  that is what happened to me in vermont and i have a feeling that is what is happening to tod right now.  i think he has found some people that are on the path he is to travel on.

and me?  well i'd be lying if i said i was groovy.  this has been a hideous week for me.  my panic roared it's ugly head.  while i've been making my bills just fine i'm not quite prepared to pay more or move. and moving...when i think about all the heavy stuff i have and how i logistically deal with all of my stuff it feels totally overwhelming. my first thought of course is art.  i have to be able to still make art.  i have to be able to live somewhere that supports that.  period.

so while i've been living pretty much day to day and somehow making it, i know that things are going to change and i need to adapt.  once i calmed down a bit i realized i DO have support here.  true i haven't been the most outgoing person, but i have made strides with getting to know people and there might be an opportunity for me to move into another place that would have an art studio.  it will be more expensive but if it works out ( i will share more when i know), it could be a really good thing for me.  if it doesn't work out, i'm not sure what the hell i'm going to do.  not sure at all.

so.  tod plans to leave by the end of the month.  i will stay here until i know where else to go.  i would have to have my rent adjusted to continue living in this $800 a month loft.  i could pay my $400 but not tod's half.  i figure i have six weeks or so to work like a maniac on art.  it's the best thing for me.  i've been working like mad on flowers this week and even some new vases.  art has always been what heals me and makes me feel sane.  when i make art i go towards a healthy place in my mind and body.  it nourishes me.  comforts me and keeps my brain empty.   call me stubborn or crazy but i insist that i am able to make art.  to live and work as an artist.  i feel that life is way too short to spend it doing anything other than what feeds your soul. it still challenges me when i think about what it means.  i felt i had more purpose when i was a massage therapist but i was also incredibly unhappy and unwell.  i've yet to figure out an overall 'purpose' to what i'm doing right now other than saving my life and sanity.  doing what feels best and right for my being. my self.  whatever it is that makes me get up everyday and live.

art called out to me like the faintest of whispers that you think you hear in the wind.  i followed that voice.  it's been a seven year journey and i can't believe that it is all supposed to just end.  so i will just have to suit up and solder on.  i will miss my tod.  i will miss having that person around day in and day out who oftentimes seemed happier than i was when i sold something.  when i made something. when my work got shown in galleries. when he or i found something cool on the road.  i will miss the one person i've ever been able to live with.  to share poignant moments with.  someone who believed in me as an artist before i even knew what there was to believe in.  i've learned much about myself by traveling with tod to this point in our lives.  i think we both have.  we will remain good friends but i know the best thing for him is to go and focus on himself as i have focused on me. [art]  it feels really sad and really lonely.  i've already cried so much it's ridiculous.  i'm sure when he leaves the floodgates will burst again but i know in my heart of hearts this is the best thing for both of us.  he hasn't been happy these last six months.  it has affected our lives and day to day.  much as i would love for things to have never changed....we all know that life isn't like that and change IS good and all i can do is welcome the next chapter.

ugh. time to cry again.

my kind of blues

yesterday tod and i went to the scrap yard and i spotted a beautiful knob.  i wouldn't call this a faucet handle...its much larger and it was attached to an octopus of pipe paraphernalia.  lucky for me it came free easily.  there were a few other knobs attached to things but they were onerous and alas left behind.  found some more small shits too for flower making.  got a handful of rebar for more flower stems...now i need some weather cooperation and i can get to work.  god help me i guess i can go clean an apartment and make some spare change instead.

i do have about seven flowers in the queue.  mostly i'm waiting on a little sunshine and nice weather to take my outdoor photos before posting them online for sale.  rain all week is predicted, so i will just have to occupy myself some other way. tod came back saturday from his five week stint housesitting in seattle.  he couldn't find much in the way of scrap...its too clean there!  he did bring back a BEAUTIFUL blue reflector.  it puts my huntsville reflectors to shame.  can't wait to make this into an exotic aquatic flower.

other than that...working at a snails pace with some pendant ideas.  i'm clueless about affixing and bevels(?) and jump ring sizes and on and on.  can't seem to get myself  to drive the 50 miles to go to a box store to have a closer look at jewelry making supplies.  i prefer online but haven't taken the time to search much.  it's all good though, i've got plenty i can be doing.  more flowers...taxes...and other art ideas.  the days zip by and between the art and etsy (lately i prefer etsy to facebook, their new activity page and treasuries and just all around good exchanges with others has been very engrossing), i find i have little time for much else. hence the boring blog post :)