foundation, art and blueprints

dan phillips, tod and george

yesterday was a good day. tod and i helped george mix and pour about forty 80 pound bags of cement for the foundation.  i want to see, learn and do as much as my body can handle so when and if tod and i get to build our house next door, i will have a clue and some extra muscle.  this is the post i wrote on the phoenix commotion site with some pictures of the day.

i also went to the Lamprose Gallery in Spring, Texas where my work has been for the last few months to see what the outdoor art market was all about.  Vicki and Peter (owners) started this up a about a month ago on Saturdays but alas, yesterday was the last day for this until September.  it's just too dang hot and slow until the fall.  a handful of artists braved the heat and i got a chance to meet them and see their work.  i look forward to getting my clocks and vases out there in september. 

Abstract by Lance

 a potter (forgive me i can't remember her name and didn't get a card)

 work by Vicki the owner

another painter (another name i didn't get, sorry!)

so.  i gots blisters on my hands.  a back that feels like its been pushed to the limit.  a head less filled with fraught. and hopefully minimal poison ivy rashage.  just trying to keep busy so i dont have to obsess over the money stuff.  today (yes i've been up since 2:30 am cuz i never sleep well when i work really hard), george is coming by to clue me and tod in on the blueprint making process.  tod and i are still trying to figure out how we want our tiny space to be.  nothing is set in stone but before the bank will give us [tod] a loan we need to show them the 'footprint' of the house.  for those of you who dont know (i didn't) the footprint is: The dimensions for the house only (indicating the smallest area needed to build). They do not include the garage, porches, or decks, unless they are an integral part of the design.  This means our footprint will be around 400 sq feet even though the house will most probably be a total of 800 sq feet when the 2nd floor is built).  we are just now coming to terms with the whole roof thing and general design.  its the multitude of choices and unknown that always gits ya.  if you only had 2 choices as opposed to 20, life would be simpler albeit a bit dull.

weak

what a long ass week.  i find myself feeling empty and sad and having to try really really hard to tell myself everything can change [for the better] thing is i just dont know how or when.  on the one hand i'm grateful that there is still work to do at the bone house, still work that i can do and that right now no one else really wants to do. [linda is the only other person still doing bathroom mosaic, everyone else has burnt out] the mosaic stuff in the bathroom is really draining physically and mentally.  it is tedious, boring, and  hotter than a fucking boil.  sprinkle in off gassing from all the tile adhesives and you walk away after only a few hours feeling dizzy and not quite right. 

the bathrooms i am working on are very small.  one is getting covered in cut mirror.  so it takes hours.  first you take sheets of mirror and cut out all the pieces.  you slice a line in the mirror and then use a tool to 'pinch' or break off the piece.  after you have a bucketful of that you go to the tile saw and hand grind all sides so it isn't sharp.  it's very tedious and messy.  you get glass and water and dust all over you.  then you pour the glass out onto a mesh thing and let that all dry up.  pick it all up and go to the bathroom and start slopping tile adhesive on the area you are gonna work.  its like putting together a puzzle that never ends.

to get a break from that i go upstairs where there is NO air circulation whatsoever, and work on the interior shower.  this one is all broken up tile pieces mosaiced together.  i find it harder.  for one just breaking the tile is a feat.  so far tod and i have done what i deem a poor job of it in comparison to linda.  who knew there was an art to hammering tile?  for some reason our pieces come out chipped and not as triangular or cool looking. and getting tiny 'filler' pieces is a bitch.  i can hammer a piece until my veins pop and it still wont break up.  good way to get rid of aggression but then only more comes back when you can't break the damn piece.

so. its been good that i can work as much or as little as i want.  i finally asked could i turn the ac on for a little bit if i come in at night and its not as expensive to use the ac.  up until now i dont think anyone has ever used it and i myself was feeling really sick from that oppressive heat and humidity.  got a thumbs up on that one.  its still hot but it takes the edge off after an hour or so.  i keep telling myself when this is over i might not have a way to make money so gotta do what i can now as most of the work on this place is done.  i've spent most of the week going in in the morning and working a few hours then coming back at 5pm to work til 8 or 9.  its all i can physically handle.  add to that our own ac went out this week and we were 2 days without it and i feel like a piece of jerky.

i think what bums me out is i'm not making it.  still haven't made my $400 rent.  forget about whatever else i need to pay each month in necessities.  i haven't touched a thing in my little studio nor have i sold a thing.  my life feels like a mess.  working your ass off just to pay some bills soon becomes mind numbing and soul sucking.  most of us have been there done that.  i've done it most of my life.  i guess when i was a massage therapist and made 40-50k a year i lucked the fuck out.  it was my one run at being semi well off.  i made more money when i was 16 years old working at mcdonalds than i am now.  32 years later and i am doing worse off in my mind.

and the house?  the idea of me and tod building a house seems wonderful.  i love the idea of having our 'rent' cut in half and knowing that the stress of needing to make as much each month will dissipate.  we are a long way off it seems from all of that.  we are spending time making crude drawings of the layout.  we will have to have more blueprinty type drawings made up to take to the bank before we can find out how much of a loan we can get. thank god this whole housing thing is for low income people.  thank god tod was able to save up some money from all that insane taxi driving in vermont and should qualify on his own.  i can't stand that i have nothing to add to it right now.  it drives me crazy.  i'm getting really tired of not having money.  its been a challenge that for the most part i'm good at but somedays i want to scream. 

wish i had more peppy paula news.  wish i could share something wonderful.  i've been laying low and feeling like i'm disappearing.  i check online and see all my other artists humming along, giving classes, taking classes, doing shows, selling...making new work.  all seemingly happy and enjoying vacations or whatever. always hard for me to not chastise myself for being stuck in poverty.  it feels like its getting worse and there is no way out.  but thats me and my stupid genetic disposition.  tod seems to think everything is fine.  just fine.  so i try to take his positivity and my negativity and find a happy medium.  so there you are.  my boring life.

friday new art finds: Ursula von Rydingsvard

thanks to a comment by Lance, I got turned onto a new artist!  Ursula von Rydingsvard.  Ursula makes massive, mindblowing sculptures out of wood.  there is a plethora written about her and i'd probably just embarrass myself if i even tried. go watch an art 21 video, i know i'm gonna. in the meantime enjoy these beautiful works, thank you lance for the mention of her!

 Ursula von Rydingsvard
Unraveling
2007
Galerie Lelong

Ursula von Rydingsvard's Czara z Babelkami, in Madison Square Park

oh well

i knew i would get rejected and i did.  this was my first time ever submitting an art proposal and i have a suspicion there a couple of factors at play.  one can never know i guess unless one barks at the door and asks for an answer, but i think my proposal was probably impassionate, poorly presented and i am not involved in any way with/for/at the university.  i was informed about the opportunity to make this proposal the day the deadline ended as i was dropping gallery invites off at the art department and someone in the office told me about the art proposal and said if i got it in by a certain time she would accept it.  that meant i had a few hours to whip something up;  needless to say i was totally unprepared.  i found it touching that the woman who sent me the rejection letter actually included a handwritten note saying 'this is the first time that someone i know has made a proposal for the gallery.  i really hate to have to send you the 'letter' that the other 70 artists received, so i am adding this little note....etc etc'  (she lives around town and invited me to come by any time i'm in the neighborhood).

for me this was more an exercise.  a stretching of my mind in preparation for an art proposal sometime in the near future, say in houston or some other city.  i let another deadline slip through my fingers because i realize i still do not possess the work or vision that i believe it takes to convince someone that what i am doing is that fascinating.  my redwood assemblages are what i believe could make the cut some day.  not yet. i only have sixty two pieces and i want to propose at least one hundred.  ideally there would be twice that amount of work which i realize will take more than a summer to complete.  the energy isn't there right now for those little pieces, i'm too busy trying to survive and making little things to keep me afloat.  i do still look at my flickr slideshow and see the morphing of those pieces into something other than what they are.  at about #25 there is a shift in the assemblages that continues clear up til the last piece.  i will be curious to see what happens with this body of work. 

as for the rejection, i think i'm relieved.  knowing you aren't quite ready for something is an interesting place to exist.  had i gotten accepted i would have shifted gears and push the pedal to the metal, and that couldv'e been exactly what i needed but it all felt rushed and on the fly ~ not really what i have in mind for my first accepted art proposal. 

new redwood tray

finally finished this puppy yesterday and for once happy with the photo shoot too.  it's always a challenge for me to take pictures, especially since tod and i dont have much furniture or nice settings/lighting.  i usually opt to haul stuff outside and wonder how can i find another different way to take a picture of the latest work?  this time i trudged over to the bank drive through and found some cool paw prints left in the cement as well as various other spots in and around our parking area.  i did a post on this on my etsy blog so i dont really have much more verve for explaining right now.  i'm in zombi mode.  waking up in the middle of the night and getting 4 hours of sleep.  guess i gots lots on my mental  plate and not relaxing right now.  oh well.... thats life.

 Chunky Redwood Tray, 2010

land, homes and whiplash

i'm so bad.  i haven't written anything on the phoenix commotion site for months.  i haven't gone there.  haven't done anything in the bone house, not even checked to see the progress.  guess i've been too busy trying to survive and make art.

having said that.  things are happening!  josh, who is dan's main man and soon to be his own phoenix commotion start up dude, finally bought his own lot and will start building asap.  linda and george are also starting to build next to the lot tod and i hope to buy/build on.  linda has worked for dan the last year at the bone house site and george, her adult son with 2 kids of his own, recently moved to huntsville and has rolled up his sleeves to begin building their house/artist studio.  i'm going to volunteer to help them as much as i physically can (or they will let me) as well as post updates on the phoenix commotion blog regarding josh's progress too.  regardless of if tod and i get the money/loan for our lot i'd like to keep tabs on all of this building stuff, i think it's interesting how things get made as i am NOT a logical minded person and to me, it is mystifying.  i can't remember terminonlogy and what you might think is simple physics/mechanics, to me is surpreme brilliance.

i will probably post more on the phoenix site as more stuff happens but if tod and i build i will post that all here as its more personal and i can be all wiggy and unedited. here is a link to my flickr site so you can see the land we might buy as well as the neighborhood.  there are already three houses built by people via the phoenix commotion. (well two are done, the 3rd one is still in progress) those homes are across the street from where linda and george and me and tod will be.  i leave you with the first hole i've dug for linda and george's studio foundation.  i'm probably the only person on the planet who got a mild case of whiplash digging a hole.  george was showing me how to put the shovel on the ground and then jump onto it landing with both feet on each side of the top of the shovel to push it deeper into the earth.  i had performance anxiety and brain body issues so of course i landed wrong and fell backwards onto my back.  i can see already that building a house isn't for pussies.

more redwood

i'm working away on little wood things.  i still have a few boxes of redwood scrap to work with and am eager to keep making more trays and wall art.  yesterday i put this up on etsy and today it sold!  wanted to share it here for the few who dont look at facebook or twitter or etsy to see my newest works.

this is a cool one, least i think so.  it's fairly simple but in my mind that can mean it's so wabi sabi.  the center piece has a natural indent (for lack of better word) flowing thru it which is perfect for setting little keepsakes, keys or even your phone onto.  i've added two strips to each side for color and added width as well as to give it handles for easy transport.  i feel more comfortable working with wood, allowing myself to keep it simple and let the natural beauty be the mainstay. being so limited in space and materials is an interesting way to make something.  it's like having one arm tied behind your back or one empty eye socket.  i don't' have the luxury if you will of putting a ton of stuff on the floor or table to see how this would look with that.  i often feel compressed and myopic which is good as i think simple is just as challenging as complicated.  at least i'm TELLING myself that.  i still want to splay a crap load of STUFF all over the floor and table and spend days seeing what looks good 20 different ways.  i have to say if i were able to do that though i'd never be making what i'm making and right now i'm really enjoying these wood assemblages.  another tray is in the queue and new pipe vases on their way, just gotta get the pictures taken.  aloha

now showing

i keep forgetting to post some pictures i took of my work in the lamprose gallery.  i met the gallery owners during an art opening in march and they wanted my work in their gallery/frame shop.  i like this place a lot...it's small, it's contemporary and i think my work looks fantastic in a realistic setting.  i love the sofa and furniture they have in there and i love that they took MY furniture too!

another bad picture on my part, but you will note to the left of the sofa is my woodstack table as well as 52 tile above the sofa.  to the right of that are my found object shelves i made as well as the wonder horse(below).  poor lighting and little crap camera makes me want to apologize profusely.

then there is a center table where the linguist resides as well as a handful of my clocks.  all in all i feel great about having work there even if they stopped having their first friday art walk AND it's summer so its dead.  guess it is better to have art there even in a slow time than stuffed in the storage unit right?

various works by other artists above and below

the gallery is in spring, texas.  thats about 50 miles from me and 20 from houston.  it's located right off of the highway tucked away in a neighborhood where many homes have been converted to galleries, offices, a bookstore, yoga studios and whatnot.  they have recently started up an outdoor saturday afternoon art tent sale.  if i can get enough trays and vases made i might give it a try even in the hot dead summer, for $25 i get a tent space and can show work that is different than what is in the gallery plus i get to keep 100% of my sales save for uncle sam.  i'm sure in the fall it will be busier as more people are out and about.   providing i'm not busy building a house by then eh?

friday new art finds: Michael Johansson

I have been remiss in posting my Friday New Art Finds.  This one has been in draft mode for three weeks.  enough already eh?  I present Michael Johansson.  His work seems to be all about compacting repeated materials into neat cubes, packages, furniture and/or general presentation of everyday items that he buys from flea markets.  In his Artist Statement Michael states: I am fascinated walking around flea markets finding doubles of seemingly unique, though often useless objects I have already purchased at another flea market. Despite the fact that I did not have any use for them even the first time, the desire to own two of these objects becomes too strong to resist.

Vi hade i alla fall tur med vädret, 2006
(At least the weather was nice)

description from website:
A caravan is filled to the limit with camping equipment. All the windows are fully covered with objects, organised by theme. One of the windows have given in to the pressure and cracked. On the ground lie some of the ice packs that formerly filled one of the portable coolers.

Packa Pappas Kappsäck, 2006

Platsspecifikt, 2007

while i've seen this type of work before, for some reason Michaels work hits me just right.  i really enjoy the way he uses color and shape.  it's fun, it's crazy but it feels controlled just enough to not be a mess.  there is a balance and it scratches some visual obsessive itch in me.  go check out his website to see more of  these works!

found object perfection

its like a scrap lollipop.  who knows if i will ever use it in anything but for now i'm happy just seeing it out of the corner of my bulbous eye. the danger in living with someone who is also now 'an artist' is that we both want it.  i put up the loudest fuss.  it's mine for now.

renewed

one never knows.  i know i never know.
we never know who reads and what they get out of it.  i write this stuff (post below) because i often times feel trapped in the corners of life.  i don't mean to or want to complain and whine and bitch and moan for the sake of such.  i hope those of you who know me know that i am always seeking and often frustrated but always trying even if am kicking and screaming while doing it.  remember way back when when i could barely write 'etsy' let alone be on it?  remember when i hated facebook?  and now i'm on an etsy team for gods sake.  and i have a facebook profile and facebook fan page.  i eat half of the words i say.  i should be obese with letters by now.

dont think i write stuff and then go on my merry way.  i dont.  i write stuff and i fret over it.  i see myself.  i read it more times than you would believe and try to see who i am and what i'm after.  i try to see what i'm doing as if i'm not me but someone else.  and i often see how horrible (i think) i look.  how childish and stubborn but i also see i'm trying.  i'm lost.  i'm eager.  i aint dead yet.  i try to weigh what feels right for me with what others are doing and question what is healthiest, what makes the most sense.  i will admit i am sometimes jealous of others.  i dont always have the nicest thoughts or things to say about people and i want nothing more to be free from that defective trait.  i find the poorer i become the harder it is for me to feel safe and peaceful. the harder it is to be kind to myself let alone others.  i'm not proud of that, its something i'm fighting with more and more and i'm worn out.  being poor makes me feel so trapped and so tired and so GUILTY.  i could write a chapter about it but wont today.

so, back to my point:  i was quite taken aback in a good way this morning when an etsy friend from the other side of the world, offered a suggestion to me.  she said she read that post below and was struck by my saying 'if i do what you say will i somehow sell more art?'.  she offered to pay for me to renew my etsy items 100 times, 3 items, every day as an experiment.  this isn't the first time she has told me i should renew my items more often and i just never did.  i wince every time i have to pay etsy my monthly bill of $3.80 or whatever it is, more if i actually sell something and owe them another 3%.  and then i thought, okay i haven't actually ever tried renewing more often. i usually wait til the month is just about over and then renew a few things. so i'm thinking, okay, i will try this.  and then i realized that i need to be paying for this myself.  feels wrong to have someone else pay for this, and if i can't afford to do this then i may as well go drown in the oily gulf coast waters.  seriously.

so i'm gonna give it a try.  maybe i wont do it 100 times, but im going to do it every day for a week at least and see if that does anything.  it just might be that etsy isn't a good venue for selling my kind of art.  people may not get it about the 'limited edition clock collection'.  they may not get any of it but i also may be the one not getting it and i'm about to find out.  i know the more you renew you are seen on the lower section of the front page.  i know that if you renew you keep the google bots fed.  i know if you have lower priced items you might sell more and look to be more in demand.  i know i haven't given it my all yet.  so now is the time and then i can find out once and for all.

so thank you!  you know who you are. i am again humbled.  i am again thankful for people who judge me far less than i seem to judge myself, and who reach out and give me strength when i feel like an amoeba.  and i'm thankful when you guys comment and question and suggest or disagree.  because it always shows me and teaches me something and that is the point.

market smarket

marketing.  you see it hear it everywhere.  pick me! pick me! pick me!

i'd hate to think that i am so stubborn that i am actually thwarting any chances i have in this art life just because i'm not doing the marketing thing right.  i know i find it difficult to see too much of ME out there.  i make something new and tweet the link, i facebook it, facebook fan page it,  i blog it and i etsy it if appropriate.  i do not send out emails.  i'm just not that kind of gal to believe anyone really appreciates, likes, let alone would read a 'paula newsletter'.  most of you know i am rough around my edges.  i have edges.  i try to buff them, sometimes i saw them down and remove them but they usually grow back these edges.

not to diss anyone who newsletters or does whatever it is you do to market yourself.  in fact you are all much more successful than i am.  but is it really because you market yourself better?  is there one person out there who can prove to me if i do what you say i will somehow sell more art?  when i see friends or acquaintances offering marketing seminars and i don't apply for that course/online thing, i often feel as if i have just been visited by christians and i am slamming the door on the lord and am going to hell.  i often think it is all my fault i'm never going to sell enough art to get that loan for the property to build our little house this summer.  it's my own fault i slog along and never get/keep good footing in the art world. 

i bring this up because yesterday i was looking for a fund raising site to perhaps get something going with this loan i need.  i found this site, kickstarter.com  and had tod look it over to translate it for me.  he liked it.  i kind of liked it.  it reminded me of kiva in a way.  and then i realized, well ...i thought, who gives a shit about me and my wants.  honestly.  we are all so busy trying to make it in life it boggles the mind how we are all doing this and that.  i'm always totally amazed that people jump on so many bandwagons and help each other.  i feel like i am exempt from that somehow.  i don't know what it is about me but i know that no one is going to be that interested or care that much.  or maybe i just don't understand how to make myself nice and interesting.  i don't know how to make myself fit into the help box.  do i come off as too needy or not needy enough?  who knows.  i look at the stories of people on kickstarter and think well, what i want to do is just as 'warranted' isn't it? or is it? 

so yesterday tod's mom offered to send an email off to people she knows suggesting they look at my art website.  and i said wait! let me do this kickstarter site thing.  let me get it up on my website and then you can send that to them.  and i was humbled by her reply that she didn't want to send that off, didn't want to come off as pushing people because she herself (my words not hers) was tired of everyone trying to push this and push that to buy.  and i got it.  because quite frankly i'm tired of it all.  pick me. like this link this love this.  we are always telling each other what to do.  i'd like to have a choice to want to help someone.  i'd like to have a choice to LIKE something and then decide if i want to do it because i like it not because i'm jumping on your bandwagon and don't really care about what it is you want me to like or want.  i'm guilty of that and i despise myself for it.  i'm worried someone will get mad at me if i dont like this and vote for that.  and i hate being told what to do.  i would have done it had you not asked.  ya know?  it all gets so criss cross fuzzy and blurry that i have no idea what i want or like or would or wouldn't do.  maybe it's best to have complete strangers like your thing because it's more honest.  they are actually attracted to it, to you, without being told to push that button.  i'm confused what is healthy, what is normal, how to go about getting the things in life i think i want.  i know most of my blog readers (at least the handful who usually leave supportive comments) care about me but it isn't your responsibility to buy $50 worth of art let alone $1000 to help me put a roof over my head.  you all have families and bills and blah blah blah.  so how do people get help and support and is that even something they should  get.  is it YOUR fault i'm broke and struggling right now? is it YOUR fault i had to quit massage and became an artist and struggle so much?  no.  is it your responsibility to see to it that people buy my art?  hell no.

so maybe i just clean toilets and shut up.
maybe i just keep making art, one piece at a time.
and shut up.
maybe i just do whatever it is i have to do in life and shut up.
i'm already at my limit sometimes just posting a new piece of work, i don't see myself joinging kickstarter and asking untold amounts of people to jump on THIS bandwagon.  i gotta go now, i have pipe vases to make and then i have to go market them.  so you are all off the hook.  no one has to feel like i have any expectations, because i dont.  and if i do, sometimes i will have leaks you know....sometimes i will put it out there to: PICK ME PICK ME and then you can just ignore me until i come back to my senses.

i think it's best you like what you like without thinking i need you to help me. and i want to like what i like and not have to do a single thing about it.  maybe i will never understand marketing.  maybe i will never have a lot of friends and fans and etsy sales or galleries clamoring for my work.  maybe it should be enough that people say i like what you just made and leave it at that.  there is a fine line between sharing and begging.  showing and shouting.  i'm going to concentrate on not crossing it.

and i dont know about you, but i can only take so much of ME